Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Dangerous Book For Boys

Another serious Formspring question that I think needs to be replicated here as a public service, what with all the witch and wizard worship in our popular culture nowadays.


My son wants to read Harry Potter, and yet I don't want him to become demon possessed. What should I do?

First of all, I really must, in all good conscience, strongly discourage you from taking this dangerous course. As everybody knows, the Harry Potter books are drenched in demons and can turn a child from a Precious Moments figurine into a latter-day Charlie Sheen within pages.

However, if you will not be persuaded, I will tell you how you might 'clean' a Harry Potter book that you get from your nearest devil-mall. (I trust you are not foolish enough to keep these books in your house!) You are going to need to perform a demonic extraction, for which you require the following items:

(1) a hydraulic vice with computerized pressure controls and digital readout

(2) an autographed picture of either Barbara Bush or Sarah Palin [1]

(3) a King James Bible

(4) first hardcover printings of the entire "Left Behind" series

(5) a vial of Glenn Beck's tears [2]

(6) a very sharp Exacto knife

(7) heavy-duty rubber gloves and respirator

(8) a welder's helmet


First put on the gloves and respirator.

Next, you will want to use Glenn Beck's tears to consecrate the vise. Instructions for this can be found by inspecting the first two words of every 7th page of each of Beck's scholarly books (not the novels) in reverse order by publication date.

Next, use the knife to carefully cut out each page of your demonic Harry Potter book. Discard the cover, which is where most of the demons are found (most scientists [3] agree that there can be as many as 30, 50 or even 100 times as many demons in a cover as in a single page).

Perform the following steps for each page of each book:

Place the book between the autographed picture and the King James Bible. Place the entire grouping into the vise and tighten to exactly 77.7 psi for 7.7 hours. Put the page in between the pages of the Left Behind series, which will provide a sterile environment for the pages [4].

The pages are now almost entirely demon free! [5] Since you have no regard whatsoever for your child's soul, they may now put on the welder's helmet and read the devil-loving liberal Satan book with minimal risk of infection. (for extra safety, play some lite Christian pop music while reading).

WARNING: IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED that you have your child read the pages within one day of this procedure! The pages WILL re-accrue demons by their very nature. BE SURE TO DESTROY THE PAGES WITH FLAMES IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY ARE READ. The ashes will still be highly dangerous. Scatter them in California, because let's face it, what's the difference?



[1] Photos of other members of the Palin household, such as Willow, Trig, Bristol, Scratch, Fudge, and Big Country, can be used, but we recommend doubling the application time. DO NOT use a photograph of Levi Johnson.

[2] I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Wouldn't Ronald Reagan's tears be more effective?" The answer is, of course, yes. Ronald Reagan's tears obviously would be much more effective, but if you think allowing your brats to read an Evil Book is a good use of our country's greatest treasure, then you go march over to the Heritage Foundation and tell them why you want to stop making the country safe from Muslim vampires. That's what I thought.

[3] We mean of course real scientists, not common charlatans and voodoo doctors. For purposes of clarity, we define 'real scientists' as 'scientists who consulted on the Creationist Museum.'

[4] Remember to throw away the Left Behind books after this process. Though sterile, they will have absorbed trace quantities of demonic influence and thus may now contain watermarked images of Barack Obama.

[5] According to FDA regulations which allow up to 3 parts per 10 million of demon in printed materials. If that's good enough for you, then by all means let your child expose themselves to JK Rowling's Instruction Manual For Little Satanists.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The South Also Rises

Note: I didn't include this Q&A from my latest Formspring round-up for a few reasons. First, it's really really long, and that post was long enough already. Secondly, it's totally different in tone from the typical sardonic smart-assery and I figured it would be jarring. But finally, I really am curious what people think about this issue, and in particular I want to be educated about what Southerners think about the Civil War today. So have at it, Southerners.

Are you still doing political-type questions? Because i have one. On NPR today a guy said, Violence was the only way to end slavery, because pacifism wasn't going to work." As a pacifist, i want to disagree. Opinions?

Before getting to the meat of the question, there are a few points that need to be made for clarification.

First, we have sadly been learning more and more about how alive slavery is today, so it very unfortunately can't be said that slavery has been ended in the world. I presume the caller was referring to the violence of the Civil War, and the ending of legally recognized institutionalized slavery in the United States.

It should also be pointed out that the Civil War was not technically fought over slavery -- it was fought over the secession of the Confederate states, and the federal government's unwillingness to allow them to do it. Of course, the trigger for secession itself was the abolition of slavery represented by the Emancipation Proclamation, so clearly slavery was involved, but it is a point worth making that the war itself was not directly fought over slavery.

However, it is clear that it took the Civil War to stop secession, bring the seceding slave-holding states back into the Union (some slave-holding states did not secede), and end slavery at that particular moment in time. So I think it needs to be conceded even by staunch pacifists that it took violence to end institutionalized slavery in the United States at that particular time.

What would have happened without violence? It's pretty much impossible to say, but I think we can make a few fairly safe assumptons.

First, slavery would have continued in the Confederate States of America for a period of time following secession. How long is a total guess, but I would have to think, given how violently civil rights was contested in the United States (and particularly in the South) up until the 1960s, that it would have been many decades, maybe even a century.

Secondly, it seems almost unfathomable that slavery would not have ended in the Confederacy at some point. Even by the early 1800s, many European nations were outlawing slavery. Britain in particular was entering into dozens (I think) of pacts with various countries to end or curtail the slave trade. By the 1860s, the world mood was generally one of abolition, with the United States one of several notable holdouts. So imagine if you will the level of animosity, sanction, and pressure leveled by the international political and economic community against a nation in (let's say) 1971 that still believed in buying and selling human beings as though they were livestock, which is essentially what they were under the law. Imagine South African circa 1980, but worse. It's hard to imagine a country not caving in to this pressure eventually, via comparatively more peaceful means, as South Africa did. And of course, then would begin the long and tumultuous process of Jim Crow laws and segregation and institutionalized racism and disenfranchisement -- but five or seven or fifteen decades behind schedule, and with all that extra corrosive water under the bridge, to boot.

(Incidentally, if any of my Southern friends would like to educate me on the true causes and motivations behind the War of Northern Aggression, and why they think -- if they do think this -- that the South being allowed to secede would have been a long-term good thing for the South, I am quite sincerely all ears. It seems like it would have been a total friggin' disaster for the Confederacy.)

So, I don't think that I would agree with that NPR caller that violence was necessary to end legal institutionally recognized slavery in the United States. Justice will win in the end. It's sort of a tortoise and the hare thing. Violence was 'merely' necessary to end it right at that moment in history. But the ramifications of letting that string play out would have been momentous, and logically it seems unlikely that the effects would have been positive. Ask a descendant of slavery if they think it would have been favorable to keep that institution around for another 70 years or so. Be careful how you word the question, though.

But more than that, it's possible that the world that we now inhabit, so hostile to slavery, might not exist in the same form today that it now does. To give just one obvious example, during the amazing upheavals of the two World Wars, the United States as it was composed would not exist. We would have been two countries -- one industrialized, urban, and perhaps like the United States as we understand it to have been at that time, but certainly greatly diminished by its loss, and the other agrarian, slave-holding, and as a result almost certainly alienated from other European countries (such as France and particularly Britain), with whom we aligned ourselves in those conflicts, and perhaps, just maybe, more amenable to a doctrine of race purity. It's difficult to know what worlds may have turned upon the decision to go to war with the Confederacy over secession.

That is a lot of speculation, especially at the end. But I don't think I'm going too far afield with it. I think we pacifists may have to wrestle with the fact that sometimes a thing is so unjust that ending it immediately is the best outcome, even if violence is the tool used to arrive at that outcome.

Then again, without violence, perhaps something even better would have occurred. It just doesn't seem likely.

To answer your other question: Yes. I'm still answering political questions.

As always, your questions answered here.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Your Weekly Dose of Awesome

OK, this guy is crazy. Either he wins the respect and admiration of a small group of competitive belly-flop aficionados, or he breaks his everything bone.

But the fact that this is even possible? Awesome. Damn, physics. You all right.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Your Weekly Dose of Crazy

(Infomercial + organ music/0.25 speed)glow effect = creeping dread.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Best of Formspring 003

Once again, actual questions by one or (maybe) more actual people.

Want to get your questions answered in a similarly glib or obsessive manner?

Just click here.


Bigger threat to humanity: 10 flesh-eating butterflies, or 100 metal-eating butterflies?

This is seriously an excellent question. However many of you are asking questions out there, realize that the bar has once again been set.

OK, let's delve into this. Here's what we need to figure out:

1) What are humans made of?

2) Is it good for humans to be eaten?

If humans are made of metal, or if being eaten is by and large good for humanity, then I'd be inclined to call the metal-eating butterflies the greatest threat. If the opposite turns out to be true, then I'd have to say flesh-eating.

But not so fast! There are other questions to consider!

1) How much flesh can a flesh-eating butterfly eat?

2) How much metal can a metal-eating butterfly eat?

3) How big is each type of butterfly?

4) How aggressive is each type of butterfly? Do they ONLY eat metal or flesh, respectively, or can they eat other things? How much do they want to eat metal or flesh, respectively.

We're going to need these answers before I make a definitive statement on this. I mean, normally a bunch of butterflies running around eating the flesh off our bones in a crazy flesh-eating swarm would seem to pose a much bigger threat than a bit of metal being eaten. ON THE OTHER HAND a flesh-eater that lands, munches a single dead skin cell, and then flies off would be nothing next to a monstrosity the size of a 747 eating the Golden Gate Bridge.

And may God have mercy on us all.

yo yo yo yo yo where me peeps at yo?

I am trying to figure out if you are a pirate or Flava Flav. Or is Flava Flav a pirate? Can we get a ruling on this?

What are you doing for the 4th?

I plead the 5th.

If James Madison (president in 1812) and William Howard Taft (president in 1912) were able to run in 2012 - who would win?

I'm pretty sure that William Howard Taft was never able to run. Have you seen a picture of that guy?

Would you rather take a personal check , or a check personal?

Listen, let me tell you something. If you can't spot the personal check within one hour of sitting down, you ARE the personal check.

Did you know you had a cult following in japan?

Is this like a Germany/Hasselhoff thing? Because if I find out I have one more thing in common with Hasselfhoff, I'm legally entitled to some of his "Knight Rider" residual checks.

Who writes your material?

All my material is lovingly calligraphied by Oompa Loompas.

Re donuts healthier than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick?

I think I am accidentally being CC'd on your memos to either the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Charlie Manson. Either way, I'd like off this Listserv.

Do unsalted pretzels go to the same heaven salted ones do?

Unsalted pretzels go to hell, as Jesus said, "Every one will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other."

Uh oh. I've gone crazy again.

What to you is the most erotic part of a lawnmower?

This is a fantastic question. The old "are you a blade man or are you a pull cord man?" Personally, I'm into every part of the lawnmower, but I really get turned on by the grass bag.

can you make us laugh? can you make us cry?

Yes. And I can do both with a hammer.

Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. What's wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing at all. But let me ask you this, smart guy. When the world is full of these love songs, where will I put my shoes?

How was your uneventful trip to Pakistan?

You misheard me. I visited my UNCLE Stan. What's weird is that Osama bin Laden was there.

What do you think about "everybody draw Mohammed day" on Facebook? did you join the group yet?

I don't have a ton of thoughts about it. On the one hand, I think in a free society all free speech, even (especially) free speech that some find offensive, is and must be protected, and violent reactions, even to the most offensive of speech, are always inappropriate. On the other, I think it is wise, appropriate, and just plain good manners not to offend that which is sacred to others. I certainly support the "Everybody Draw Mohammad Day" Facebook page participant's right to take part, but I have no intention of doing so.

Do you believe in fairies?

You're not getting a gay joke out of me, fella.

What's your favorite nursery rhyme?

Baby Got Back

what if god was one of us?

Then he'd owe Joan Osbourne royalties. I think the more interesting question is: What if God were one of THEM?

Are you experienced?

No, I won't be experienced until I've finished becoming perienced. The periencing process is long and arduous, but at the end I will get a cherry 81 Chevette that has only been puked in one time!

How would you go about taking the measurement of a stick?

First, I'd get the stick and affix it firmly in a vice. Then, I'd get myself a good quality measuring tape. Then I'd get the fire ants. I'd glue the fire ants one by one in a long line, noticing how many fire ants made up a foot/inch/cm, and so forth. Then I'd have a sandwich. Then I'd hold the fire ant stick against the stick I was measuring, count the ants, and make the needed calculations.

Once I knew the answer, I'd probably tell the king, so he knew if his stick was long enough for the limbo contest. And then, I don't know, I guess I'd just go hang out with the court jester or something.

favorite Simpsons episodes?

That is like asking me which is my favorite child. In both cases, the answer is "Homer vs. Sexual Harassment."

If you were in the army, what rank do you think you could reach?

Rank Amateur.

If you were in the navy, what rank do you think you could reach?

Master Chief Blinky McGurk

Who's your favorite religious leader?

Cotton Mathers is a favorite, but I think we're sometimes a little hard on his son, Jerry.

How much will you pay for a handful of magic beans?

I will pay you up to $4 million, depending on the quality and effect of the magic. However, I can only pay you in alchemy or . I have a philosopher's stone that has been valued at $3.8 million using the Sale of Identical or Similar Merchandise appraisement method as stipulated in CFR 51 (Wizards) Part 405.61(c)(i). The other $200 grand I can get you in butterbeer and animal husbandry services from Hagrid. He's not too bright, but at least he's clumsy.

Is eating cheese moral?

Probably not. But eating mushrooms are morel.

The world is being attacked by zombies, unicorns, and bedbugs. Who wins?

The world. Zombies and unicorns are natural enemies and would just fight each other to death, and as everybody knows, there's no such thing as bedbugs.

If you eat goat cheese is that a form of cannibalizism or it is like mother's milk to you?

It's a common misconception that I am actually a goat. I know this will come as a shocker to some of you, but my actual name is not "Julius Goat." In real life I am known as "Julia's Coat." Hope this clears that up.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Greatest Movie Character of 1990-1999 004: Round 1, Heat 3

Clarice Starling Division - Round 1, Heat 3


Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction

Well this is change - I have the top seed with Jules from Pulp Fiction. Granted, Red is no push-over, but a mild-mannered Morgan Freeman versus Samuel L. Jackson's defining role? The edge has to go with Jules.

I'm going to make an assumption here: no matter who you are, you are at least familiar with Pulp Fiction. It can be argued it was THE movie of the 90's. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you know some key moments -- Marcellus Wallace about to go medieval; The Wolf fixing the problem of the dead... guy... in the back seat; what will happen to every motherfucking last one of ya if any of you fucking pricks move; and just about everything that came out of Jules Winnfield's mouth. He quotes bible verse when bringing retribution, he is amused by the names for hamburgers in France's McDonald's, he enjoys a Big Kahuna Burger, you know which wallet is his, and he is more than capable of breaking your concentration.

Jules, like so many great characters is not only complex, but grows as we watch him. Our first real experience with him is discussing the eroticism of foot massages, immediately followed by him becoming the baddest motherfucker you've ever seen blowing away a group of minor-league thieves. The pontification that comes from him prior to the massacre is some of the most casually intimidating bad-assery ever captured on film. Then to cap it off, he dodges bullets without moving. This moment causes a spiritual awakening in the most feared hit man in Los Angeles. As the day progresses, we see that he is more than a cold-blooded assassin. He knows who his friends are, and when to contain his fury. Jimmie epically chews him out for bringing the car to his house, and Jules knows he deserves it, and takes it, when he could just tell Jimmie to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. He debates the merits of pork with his partner. He knows what the Wolf says goes without question. By the end, he's not only realized that he has had the meaning of his favorite quote turned around this entire time, but that he could still be the biggest bad-ass motherfucker you know while helping people, instead of limiting himself to crime. His juxtaposition with the nearly as erudite, yet blank-faced Vincent drives home the depth of possibly the most iconic characters of the 90's.

- Astin

, The Shawshank Redemption

Best film character? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it’s just a made up term. A hit man’s word, sonny. Young fellas like yourself can wear a black suit and a tie and kill some folks, and think you have a job. So now you come in and quote at me. Bible? You can save it, sonny. Old difference between you and me is I'm sitting below you. And you know it.

What do you really want to know? Am I sorry that the heart and soul of one of the decade's best movies went in the sixteenth round? The very last pick? There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I gotta face your silly jerri curled ass. Because you think I should. I look back on the way I was picked. Four young, stupid kids who couldn't see true quality until the very end. I want to talk to them. I want to try to talk some sense to them. Tell them the way things are. But I can’t. The draft's long gone and this old man’s all that’s left. Do you know my buddy Andy went first pick?  First? I got to live with that. Best film character?  Best? That’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and walk the earth, and let the people vote in the poll, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because, to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.

- Julius_Goat


Dignan, Bottle Rocket

Back in 1994, Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson were making their first film. From the Jacques-Cousteau caps to the red jumpsuits to the retro casio keyboard music, all of Anderson's movies make audio and visual references to his childhood, which took place in America in the late 80s. Anderson is known for his careful storyboarding of scripts, so it's no accident that his films look like something else that would be familiar to a child of the 80s: comic books.

In his first film, Anderson had not yet completely developed his unique visual aesthetic, but his desire to capture things from his childhood was obvious. The film opens with Dignan (Owen Wilson) "rescuing" his friend Anthony (Luke Wilson) from a voluntary mental hospital. Anthony: Ah, whew. Well, see my friend Dignan didn’t realize that this was a voluntary hospital, and he got this whole escape thing worked out. And he just got so excited about the thing, I didn’t have the heart to tell him “no”…that uh…Look how excited he is. I gotta do it this way, Dr. Nichols. I gotta climb out. It’s only one floor down.

Throughout the movie, Anderson shows us a twenty-something boy who is struggling to adapt to the world of adult responsibility. Dignan refuses to give up on his childhood dreams, and you get the feeling that he was once reigned his neighborhood as king of fort-building and the game of cops and robbers. Here is a guy with grand plans, a guy whose meager landscaping job is only cover for his budding career as a master thief.

Growing up in the 80s in suburban America taught us how to be ambitious. Everybody wanted to grow up to be president, and if that wasn't your thing, then you wanted to be a professional athlete, a doctor, or a lawyer. As we grew up, these ambitions died or changed into something more pragmatic, and we lost sight of our childhood dreams.

Dignan didn't. Stuck in a suburb filled with characters who represent a life without passion, Dignan lives his dream of orchestrating a great robbery, even if that robbery takes place at "Hinckley Cold Storage." Dignan is the dreamer, the idealist, someone who follows his ridiculous dream despite the many pragmatic reasons that indicate he shouldn't.

Because he follows his passion and attempts to realize his dream, Dignan ends up in prison. But in the final  scene, Dignan mocks himself for his failed ambition, suggesting that a passionate life ending in a jail sentence is better than a comfortable existence without dreams. Better to burn out than to fade away.

Dignan: Pause. Uh, we did it though, didn’t we?

Anthony: Yeah. All laugh. Yeah we did it all right.

Scene cuts to jail entrance. Anthony and Bob are walking with Dignan in a prison line. A fence separates Dignan and the prisoners from Anthony and Bob.

Dignan: Well, thank you for coming.

Anthony: It’s good seeing you.

Dignan: Looking around. Did you bring that grappling hook?

Bob: Grappling hook?

Dignan: Don’t worry about it. I think I may have found a way out of here.

Anthony: You’re kidding

Dignan: No, I’m not.

Anthony: How?

Dignan: Shhh! Wait for my instructions. When we go through the next gate, you will have 30 seconds to take out the tower guard.

Anthony: What?

Dignan: 30 seconds. Have the car running at the North West checkpoint. Bob and I are going to scale the barricade.

Bob: No, we’re not.

Dignan: And then we’re going to cut through to no man’s land, and Bob, remember, shield me from the  bullets. They won’t shoot civilians. Are you ready?

Bob: Hold on, man.

Anthony: Wait a second, Dignan.

Dignan: Let’s go! Let’s go! Now! Now! Now! Changes tone to playful. Isn’t funny how you used to be in the nuthouse and now I’m in jail.

They all laugh. Dignan walks away into the distance.

Besides the movie's sophisticated intellectual message, Dignan is one of the funniest, most quotable movie characters of all time.


Anthony: Maybe we should've robbed your house. You ever think of that?

Dignan: You know there's nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!


Bob: Wha - why is there tape on your nose?

Dignan: Exactly!


Dignan: Why are you here right now? You're always at lunch at this time!

Workers: Not always.

Dignan: Yes! Always!


Kumar: Man, I blew it. I blew it, man.

Anthony: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?

Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.

Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?


Dignan was the first in a series of Anderson's unique characters that resonate long after the movie has ended. Without Dignan, we wouldn't have been able to fly kites with Max Fischer, roam the seas with Steve Zissou, or ride go-carts with Royal Tanenbaum. The existentialists insist that a life without passion isn't worth living, and Dignan is the prototype of the passionate-yet-misguided hero who is doomed to failure, but makes the lives of those surrounding him more exciting and fulfilling. Living with passion, on the edge, trying to achieve a goal that is seemingly impossible -- these are the characters that make for great heroes:

Dignan: Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!

So, come on! Listen to the voice of your inner dreamer and vote for Dignan.

PS. Derek Vinyard is a Nazi.


Derek Vinyard, American History X

Obviously, this isn't about likability. This may be (at least before the rather unbelievable turnaround) one of the five most despicable people in the tourney. But character?  One of the most fascinating.

So come on, Dignan. Put your mouth on the curb.

- Julius_Goat


Little Bill Daggett, Unforgiven

This was an odd pick for me.  Unforgiven is one of my favorite movies (and Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite actors), but I picked Little Bill over William Munny deliberately because Gene Hackman puts on such a fabulous performance really showing the depth of this character.  Which turns out is pretty shallow. 

Little Bill is a lawman who proactively dispenses justice by force.  His strategy is to beat down anyone who doesn't follow his rule.  NO FIREARMS within city limits, and don't dare jaywalk either because Little Bill has a propensity for violence when deterring, well, violence.  His methods are beautiful, and if he even thinks that you're a bad guy, before doing anything to prove your criminality, you're getting a beat down.  It's also coming in front of as many people as possible because he wants to prove a point.

An ill-tempered man, "maybe you should hang the carpenter" may just be the line that gets you killed.  However he does show restraint against the weak and stupid.  He also shows zero hesitation or regret when meeting his own demise.

Little Bill is a man's man, living the way he does among the harsh western life where anyone can turn criminal in a blink of an eye.  He controls his town, and as harsh as his methods are, the town accepts it to ensure their safety from outsiders.

Duck I says!


Truman Burbank, The Truman Show

my teacher was a television
taught me how to talk and who to be
everything's an exhibition
everyone just acts like they're on tv

everyone is always pretending
acting like our lives are scripted
everyone wants a happy ending
paranoia conspiracy

today the spotlight hit me
voices on the radio 
maybe i'm just going crazy
but I swear there's something I don't know

everyone is looking for money
their smiles look almost real
whatever makes you happy
but this lifestyle's not for me

and now I'm stuck in this movie
all money and product placement
who am I supposed to be
when something's not right you taste it

had enough of all of it
so I sit here in my basement
savor this isolation 
find my way to my reality

why don't you all find your own way
I'm done playing the fool
make your own entertainment
I'm going and never coming back

In case I don't see you
good afternoon good evening and good night



William Wallace, Braveheart

Here is my first round write up for Braveheart as I see it...  It doesn't need much...

He's a bad ass who takes revenge on the death of his wife and then fights the good fight rallying an entire people to gain freedom.

He does it without regret or hesitation willing to do it by himself.  He truly is a leader by example.

Jules (from Pulp Fiction) stole his wallet.

Deal with it...


Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights

Your choice is pretty clear. You can go with the guy with the face makeup and the kilt, or you can go with the guy who can't wear a kilt without breaking most indecency laws.  Poor Braveheart, he felt so inadequate he had them take out a few feet of intestine to try to compensate.

Dirk Diggler is a major star.  William Wallace? Hell, even Rob Roy managed to get a drink named after him.

- Julius_Goat