Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Best of Formspring 003

Once again, actual questions by one or (maybe) more actual people.

Want to get your questions answered in a similarly glib or obsessive manner?

Just click here.


Bigger threat to humanity: 10 flesh-eating butterflies, or 100 metal-eating butterflies?

This is seriously an excellent question. However many of you are asking questions out there, realize that the bar has once again been set.

OK, let's delve into this. Here's what we need to figure out:

1) What are humans made of?

2) Is it good for humans to be eaten?

If humans are made of metal, or if being eaten is by and large good for humanity, then I'd be inclined to call the metal-eating butterflies the greatest threat. If the opposite turns out to be true, then I'd have to say flesh-eating.

But not so fast! There are other questions to consider!

1) How much flesh can a flesh-eating butterfly eat?

2) How much metal can a metal-eating butterfly eat?

3) How big is each type of butterfly?

4) How aggressive is each type of butterfly? Do they ONLY eat metal or flesh, respectively, or can they eat other things? How much do they want to eat metal or flesh, respectively.

We're going to need these answers before I make a definitive statement on this. I mean, normally a bunch of butterflies running around eating the flesh off our bones in a crazy flesh-eating swarm would seem to pose a much bigger threat than a bit of metal being eaten. ON THE OTHER HAND a flesh-eater that lands, munches a single dead skin cell, and then flies off would be nothing next to a monstrosity the size of a 747 eating the Golden Gate Bridge.

And may God have mercy on us all.

yo yo yo yo yo where me peeps at yo?

I am trying to figure out if you are a pirate or Flava Flav. Or is Flava Flav a pirate? Can we get a ruling on this?

What are you doing for the 4th?

I plead the 5th.

If James Madison (president in 1812) and William Howard Taft (president in 1912) were able to run in 2012 - who would win?

I'm pretty sure that William Howard Taft was never able to run. Have you seen a picture of that guy?

Would you rather take a personal check , or a check personal?

Listen, let me tell you something. If you can't spot the personal check within one hour of sitting down, you ARE the personal check.

Did you know you had a cult following in japan?

Is this like a Germany/Hasselhoff thing? Because if I find out I have one more thing in common with Hasselfhoff, I'm legally entitled to some of his "Knight Rider" residual checks.

Who writes your material?

All my material is lovingly calligraphied by Oompa Loompas.

Re donuts healthier than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick?

I think I am accidentally being CC'd on your memos to either the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Charlie Manson. Either way, I'd like off this Listserv.

Do unsalted pretzels go to the same heaven salted ones do?

Unsalted pretzels go to hell, as Jesus said, "Every one will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other."

Uh oh. I've gone crazy again.

What to you is the most erotic part of a lawnmower?

This is a fantastic question. The old "are you a blade man or are you a pull cord man?" Personally, I'm into every part of the lawnmower, but I really get turned on by the grass bag.

can you make us laugh? can you make us cry?

Yes. And I can do both with a hammer.

Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. What's wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing at all. But let me ask you this, smart guy. When the world is full of these love songs, where will I put my shoes?

How was your uneventful trip to Pakistan?

You misheard me. I visited my UNCLE Stan. What's weird is that Osama bin Laden was there.

What do you think about "everybody draw Mohammed day" on Facebook? did you join the group yet?

I don't have a ton of thoughts about it. On the one hand, I think in a free society all free speech, even (especially) free speech that some find offensive, is and must be protected, and violent reactions, even to the most offensive of speech, are always inappropriate. On the other, I think it is wise, appropriate, and just plain good manners not to offend that which is sacred to others. I certainly support the "Everybody Draw Mohammad Day" Facebook page participant's right to take part, but I have no intention of doing so.

Do you believe in fairies?

You're not getting a gay joke out of me, fella.

What's your favorite nursery rhyme?

Baby Got Back

what if god was one of us?

Then he'd owe Joan Osbourne royalties. I think the more interesting question is: What if God were one of THEM?

Are you experienced?

No, I won't be experienced until I've finished becoming perienced. The periencing process is long and arduous, but at the end I will get a cherry 81 Chevette that has only been puked in one time!

How would you go about taking the measurement of a stick?

First, I'd get the stick and affix it firmly in a vice. Then, I'd get myself a good quality measuring tape. Then I'd get the fire ants. I'd glue the fire ants one by one in a long line, noticing how many fire ants made up a foot/inch/cm, and so forth. Then I'd have a sandwich. Then I'd hold the fire ant stick against the stick I was measuring, count the ants, and make the needed calculations.

Once I knew the answer, I'd probably tell the king, so he knew if his stick was long enough for the limbo contest. And then, I don't know, I guess I'd just go hang out with the court jester or something.

favorite Simpsons episodes?

That is like asking me which is my favorite child. In both cases, the answer is "Homer vs. Sexual Harassment."

If you were in the army, what rank do you think you could reach?

Rank Amateur.

If you were in the navy, what rank do you think you could reach?

Master Chief Blinky McGurk

Who's your favorite religious leader?

Cotton Mathers is a favorite, but I think we're sometimes a little hard on his son, Jerry.

How much will you pay for a handful of magic beans?

I will pay you up to $4 million, depending on the quality and effect of the magic. However, I can only pay you in alchemy or . I have a philosopher's stone that has been valued at $3.8 million using the Sale of Identical or Similar Merchandise appraisement method as stipulated in CFR 51 (Wizards) Part 405.61(c)(i). The other $200 grand I can get you in butterbeer and animal husbandry services from Hagrid. He's not too bright, but at least he's clumsy.

Is eating cheese moral?

Probably not. But eating mushrooms are morel.

The world is being attacked by zombies, unicorns, and bedbugs. Who wins?

The world. Zombies and unicorns are natural enemies and would just fight each other to death, and as everybody knows, there's no such thing as bedbugs.

If you eat goat cheese is that a form of cannibalizism or it is like mother's milk to you?

It's a common misconception that I am actually a goat. I know this will come as a shocker to some of you, but my actual name is not "Julius Goat." In real life I am known as "Julia's Coat." Hope this clears that up.

1 comment:

Josie said...

LOL There's some funny stuff here - the best being the question and answer regarding your lawnmower preferences. :))