Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Best of Formspring 003

As always, actual questions from actual people, I'm assuming.

Ask me questions right here.


what's a sweetheart like you doing in a blog like this?

Maxin' and relaxin', mainly. Also jamming on the one. Keeping my mind on my money and my money on my mind. You know, all the major components of livin' large.

what's your carbon footprint?

The carbon or 'car bonne' footprint, is a marketing term coined by Honore Lapetite, the eccentric owner of the prewar automobile manufacturer Le Monde. The car bonne footprint is simply a numerical representation of how awesome your car is x how big your feet are. It's mainly used these days as a status symbol on vanity plates.

My carbon footprint is about size 41. It's bigger than my helium footprint, but smaller than my carbon handprint.

since you are a goat and a sucker, have you ever been mistaken for chupacabra?

Mistaken? No.

if cockroaches are to be rebranded, what would you suggest they should be called? any slogans?

That's a very good question, and a very important one. Cockroaches face a lot of undue harassment because of that unfortunate name.

I'd re-brand them as Dickroaches.

As for slogans, let's play on the fact that they are the famous last survivors of any nuclear holocaust. Maybe they can encourage the idea that this makes them our natural defenders.

Imagine a billboard showing a bug wearing wrap-around shades and the following slogan:

"I'm a Dickroach. Come with me if you want to live."

you're not real FBI are you?

I'm not even fake FBI.

what do you think about the god delusion?

I think he's really going to be regretting the last few weeks when the reality of being fired from Two and a Half Men sinks in.

why do conquistadors have such a bad reputation? and i don't mean the coffee?

I think it was all the genocide. However, Conquistadora the Explorer is still popular among small children.

should the US bomb libya and if so into which century?

Uh, I am pretty sure that the current problem is that Libya's own leader is currently bombing Libya. I think we should un-bomb Libya.

That said, if we must bomb a country, I'd like us to try to bomb them FORWARD for once. Let's bomb a country into the 2250's and see what we get.

how many items in your house are from ikea?

I suspect that you are stalking me. This question seems to come from somebody who knows already that I live in an Ikea store.

what's the most insulting question you've been asked?

A man in the grocery store once asked me "when are you due?" and I had only been pregnant for THREE WEEKS!

would you rather own a jet pack or a trained monkey?

Why do I get these Sophie's Choices presented to me? The reason that this is unfair is that there is a major intangible at play here, to wit: WHAT is this monkey trained to DO? Make martinis? Quote South Park? Juggle? Drug Mule? Murder? Is he a toastmaster? Does he just have an encyclopedic understanding of table manners? Can he shuck corn? This is a literal panoply of potential for both horrible, mundane, and wicked-super-awesome.

The jet pack is a known quality and therefore the safer bet.

I'm going with the monkey, though. If its training turns out to be boring or dangerous, I'll at least get a meal out of him, and my understanding is that the paws tend to grant wishes, so I'll probably get my jet pack eventually anyway.

If there were such a thing as 25-30' tall human beings, do you think they would be able to form the same kind of friendly non-hostile relationships with tigers, pumas and other big cats that regular sized humans form with regular sized domesticated cats?

Obviously the answer is "yes," and just as obviously science now has a global moral mandate to make this awesomeness happen. I am also interested in whether or not normal-sized humans would be sold as tiger toys inside of PetSmarts the size of Delaware.

The main problem with this scenario is that it ruins the whimsey of Calvin & Hobbes, since a boy with a pet tiger would no longer be anything unusual.

This is an excellent question, by the way. Anybody who writes me questions -- this is your benchmark.

what do you think about Dyson vacuum cleaners?

I try not to. When I was a kid, a Dyson vacuum cleaner beat me up every day after school.

legalize it?

Sure. You're referring to raw milk, right?

if you start a new country what will your flag look like?

It will be an animated GIF of a dancing baby.

why did my cat die?


what happened to all the questions?

Nothing happened to the questions, honey. They . . . they went to live on a nice farm, where there are kids to love them and plenty of room to run and chase rabbits all day long . . .

ever seen an angel or a ghost?
I've seen dozens, but I don't realize that that's what they were until I read their blogs afterward.

when was the last time you smote someone?

It's been a smitey long time. (I am officially under indictment from the joke police for that answer.)

who's your favorite Gaddafi scion?

Curly Joe.

are you gonna go my way?

Possibly, but it would be a coincidence.

what's your favorite sound in the animal kingdom?

It would have to be the low, keening, achingly gorgeous ululating nocturnal farts of the South Ugandan Yodel-fart Loon.

"South Ugandan Yodel-fart Loon" ? are you just making this up or what?

All of my answers are vetted by a crack staff of FOX News fact-checkers. They've literally got nothing else to do.

what would you say to the martians?

I'd say, "Hi, Martians. Want a nice cashew caramel cluster?" While they were dealing with the chewiness (no teeth), I'd return to the kitchen under the pretense of brewing them some free-trade coffee, sneak onto their ship and link up to their motherboard with my Apple computer, which I understand is 100% Martian compatible. Then I'd find out whether or not they came to conquer us, which frankly I really hope they did, because I poisoned the cashew clusters.

what does it take to join the lollipop guild?

Well, first of course you need to go on your spirit quest to discover the identity of your Spirit Lollipop. Having done that, you need to work on your angry-faced kicks. Then you apply using Munchkin Form MK6789A (available now online at and wait for the Ministry of Munchkin Affairs to perform a background check.

This can take over 50 or even 60 years, so it really helps if you have an 'in' at the MMA. Once you're in, you'll be issued your short pants and lollipop and placed on a probationary period not to exceed 30 years. There's a fairly thorough "weeding out" process; as you know, Lollipopping isn't for everybody.

have you ever kid yourself?

As I've said before, I cannot comment on an ongoing investigation.

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