Monday, February 21, 2011

Survive Donkey Island: My Island Diary 002

It's been a whirlwind time on the island.  Before I get into all that stuff, though, I want to remind you that next Sunday's tournament is planned as a $5 multi-entry, not a $1 rebuy.  Once again, word on the street is that we'll be seeing an extra $100 in the prize pool courtesy of Al Can't Hang and Full Tilt, so be sure to give Al a big slap on the back (watch out for the stab wounds) and a hearty "thanks, Fabio!" next time you see him. He also accepts SoCo.

Event 4 is the MookieDank on Wednesday!

Full Tilt Poker
$10 + $1 NLHE
Wednesday, Feb. 23
password: vegas1

Do it!

OK, no more ado. I'm out of ado.  Here's the diary, picking up right after our ouster of self-proclaimed Alpha Wolf Numb Bono after Event 1. Again, we're one event behind right now, but I will try to catch it up before Wednesday.

The Donkey Island Diary of Julius_Goat

Can you believe we made this from scratch in one day?
Day 003: After last night's butchery and feast, we're all a little bit bloated and tired, but Jamy Hawk rightly doesn't let us laze the cool of the morning away. Given that our sole shelter is a flooded mudhole right now, this task needs to be addressed right away. Tropical storms can come up without warning here in the Pacific.

Jamy's up to the task. It appears that she may have a doctorate in architecture, or maybe she has over twenty-thousand hours logged on Minecraft or something. In any event, our new bamboo stilt house is a thing of beauty, with separate rooms for each of us, a working jacuzzi, and a KISS tribute band playing in the game room. Jamy's a interesting sort. She's sort of tight-lipped, but smart and no-nonsense. She's taken the recently scalped Jordan under her wing, and is trying to help him sew his Alpha-Wolf removed hair back on.

Also with us are:

Brain MC - An aspiring Olympic diver on scholarship from UCLA, in his off hours an underground rapper from the West Coast. Brain MC claims that he tries to "keep it on the positive tip." His lower teeth have been replaced, Kanye West-style by diamondelles. "Diamonds?" I ask. Brain MC shakes his head. "Nope. Diamondelles. They're like diamonds, but better. One, they're cheaper. Two, there's a lot more of them."

Kat Ittude - Our youngest member, Kat is totally mute and is therefore forced to communicates solely by means of interpretive dance. What's weird is that she's probably the most eloquent member of our tribe.

Mike Heff - (he goes by Heff Mike, which is apparently how they do it in West Virginia), a good old boy in overalls and wiry strength. He's an excellent cook. The BBQ sauce he marinated Numb Bono in was fantastic; he whipped it up entirely from island herbs and spices.

Tim Much - a hipster with spacers in his nose piercing and tats covering his entire neck and left arm, all of them bar codes of Chinese characters with ironic translations. Tim decides that he wants to go by "Much Tim" as an ironic commentary on Heff Mike's way of self-identifying. I'm laid back, so "Muchtim" it is.

We retire to our hammocks, listening to the sounds of the jungle at night.

Riggstad, shown here, is not dead yet, but if you wait around for a
minute, he'll be dead very soon.
Day 004:  Here we are at the second challenge. Immediately it is evident that there is something amiss over at Team Fish. One of their players, a helicopter rental salesman named Riggstad, went out in the ocean the first hour of Day 1 and immediately stepped on a poisonous sea urchin. Then he got impaled by a passing swordfish. Then a seagull pooped in his open mouth. Then a hyena bit him (I know, a hyena in the water. It's crazy). He's had some bad luck is what I'm saying, and he hasn't even had a chance to compete in immunity competition.

There appears to be something of a kerfuffle between the members of Team Fish, with some claiming that Riggs, as a non-functioning member, needs to be euthanized, while others advocate just as vociferously for team unity and the short sightedness of eliminating a member who, if healthy, might prove strong. Indeed, it's true that the ailing Fish is a big strong guy, but right now a recovery doesn't seem likely. His skin is gray, his eyes are yellow, and he keeps muttering distractedly about the "Catalina Wine Mixer," whatever that means. He's coughing up blood until a middle aged Fish with a $400 haircut and a $70,000 watch named Joe C. Very hollers at him to stop. "Shut. That coughing. Down. Coughing is for closers only." The weakened Riggstad meekly complies.

In the end, all the bickering is counter-productive, as few of the Fish even begin work on their challenge, a puzzle of interlocking wooden blocks that form host Buddy Dank's face when assembled. Team Donkey cruises to easy victory, and Riggstad is hauled off by the majority who want him for dinner. Later that night, we learn that he was cut into chunks and made into a shepherd's pie.

That's good eating!

Images from Best Green Home Tips and Monty Python.

1 comment:

Josie said...

Middle aged?

We're having goat for dinner wed night at team fish's camp.