Friday, February 11, 2011

Best of Formspring 002

Once again, actual questions from actual readers. Ask me one here.


how much room does one need to swing a cat?

That's not really how you should think of it. The real question is, how can we swing more cats with the room we currently have? It's time to find sustainable methods of cat swinging. Schrödinger, for example, can swing 1-0 cats inside a box. May we all follow that example.

It also depends on the length of the tail. I've seen some cats you could only swing inside of Yankee Stadium.


What is the ugliest color in the world?

The ugliest color in the world is a designer color in the David Lynch line of Home Depot interior latex paints. It is called Bloody Stool, and it costs $67.99 a gallon.

There is no known cure to this color. When you stare into this color, this color also stares into you. This color has a smiling mouth full of teeth where its eyes should be.

It is a pretty ugly color, is what I am saying.


Will you be willing to have product placement in your blog?

I Pledge® that I will make it my Target® never have any kind of product placement in my blog, Verizon presents The_Coke_Speaks .

The truth is I am a total shill. Make your offer.



will the cavs win another game this season?

It's not about whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game. Unfortunately, they play the game terribly, just terribly. I think they should focus on just getting the lead for a little while first. You have to walk before you run.


do your eyebrows meet?

They met once. They didn't get along. I'd rather not open old wounds, so I'll leave it at that.


why are you such a dummy you big dummy you?

I stubbed my smart.


what's the donkey tournament ID at pokerstars?

214671640. And it's Full Tilt! Go play!


what is this world coming to?

It's coming to the five and dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean.

Gosh, that's really hard to say, Biff. (You don't mind if I call you Biff, do you Biff?) I reckon the earth is ready for a change. I hear tell it is thinking about kicking this oxygen addiction sometime soon, maybe even in the next 700,000,000 years or so, and switching to an atmosphere of pure molten helium. You know, for the tourism money.


who by fire?

Oh, I dunno. Probably Bob Sagat. Nearly Richard Pryor. Certainly not Leonard Cohen. He by accident, I says.


what can your country do for me?

Don't ask that.


Orange Julius or Julius Caesar?

Orange. Far less stabbing.


have you ever broken the siegfried oath?

No, but I folded it up once, origami style. I turned it into a paper tiger. The tiger then attacked Roy.

It's hard to be Siegfried, yo.



How did your arrest in the 90's for shaving a cactus influence your perception of the yoghurt industry?

Adversely. For one thing, the "h" in yoghurt? Comes right out when the Brits and Canucks aren't looking. Totally two-faced industry, my man. Second of all . . . well, let's just say it's not ALL yoghurt.


Asparagus?

With steak? Yes? For breakfast? No. As a weapon of choice? No. As a marital aide? Maybe. But no.


have you no decency?

I know I have some here somewhere. I just need to look for it. It's probably under my self-respect.


Do the worm on Acropolis Slamdance the Cosmopolis? Enlighteen the populace?

You want to Clash with me? Preposterous / You know they ain't no toppin' this / Lyrically no stoppin' it / My rhymes they be poppin' off / The top of this esophagus / With speed that'll be shockin' ya / While all my words be mockin' ya


SNOW.

SNYES.


wanna go south ta hunt some skunk?

Well, you know, you betcha, as the Americans, those true Americans with their hard workin' and their gettin' in there and doin' the hard work and then with the questioning that liberal media Nazi filter, time to kill a moose.


Egyptian protesters have been enduring a 90% unemployment rate, which may explain their anger. If you ran Disney, is there any reason you wouldn't open up Disney Egypt and build a roller-coaster on the pyramids and solve the unemployment problem at the sa

It appears that the Egyptian government (or perhaps the Department of Homeland Security) shut this guy down mid-question. Always be aware, The Man is watching you.

Having said that . . . what do you mean, "if" I ran Disney?

Building Disney Egypt is a fine idea, but a bit of a financial gamble. As a staunch American Conservative, I stick only with common sense propositions. Common sense and a careful review of modern history tells us all that only one thing will help solve Egypt's problems. That solution happens to be the solution to all problems of civil unrest, economic difficulty, agriculture, energy policy, human rights, dental hygiene, spotty water glasses, and most levels of Angry Birds.

Here's the solution to all of Egypt's woes: massive tax cuts for the wealthiest 0.1% of the population. It can't possibly fail! If it does, we just go to Plan B, which is massive tax cuts for the wealthiest 0.1% of the population. If that fails, come find me for Plan C.


do you play the stock make? in what key?

Hey, buddy. I'll tell the silly jokes around here. Also, I'll make the typos.

I play the stock make all the time. How else do you make stocks? The stocks I make in my stock-make are sturdy and strong, and will hold any rapscallions or scalliwags or loose women for the full day of their punishment until they've been thoroughly shamed in the market square.

Some times, the whole day will fly by as I play with my stock make. I'll play it until it starts to seem like work. The day that happens, I'm done forever, and will focus on my other love: Smurf hunting.


if you launched a new fragrance. what are the possible names you'd consider?

This is a very important question, and timely as Tyra Banks has just invited me to develop a line of body odors for her. There are a couple of directions I am currently considering.

For example, I may just go with the simple, elegant name: "Goat Spray". That's high-class. We'd sell it in a cardboard box like fine blended wine.

On the other hand, the more puckish side of me would rather name my body odor "May I Have A Receipt?". This would result in people in department stores and malls across the country going to the counter and saying things like, "I'd like the seven-gallon bottle of May I Have A Receipt?" or "Can I try a sample of May I Have A Receipt?" This will lead to delightful "Who's On First?" style misunderstandings.

Now, pardon me. Tyra just texted me. Something about "STOP calling my fragrances 'body odor'!" Ha! Classic Tyra. She so crazy.


if a tree falls in the forest on a deaf and dumb guy, does it make a sound? does the guy make a sound?

Yes, he'd make a sound. A squishy sound. But nobody would hear it except his best friend, the mime.


how much can you bench press?

All of it.


what's the difference between a billy goat and an andrew goat?

The Billy:Andrew Differential was discovered first in 1967 by Giles G. Boy, and can be expressed as A = G[x(y-B) / q(y-b)], with A representing the Andrew coefficient, G representing the total number of goats in the field, x representing an egg-beaters farmer's omlete, y representing You, B representing the Billy coefficient, and q representing a random number that you select via cootie-catcher.

If you do the math, do you know what you get?

No, really, I'm asking.


Do you know any jokes about skunks?

I know millions of jokes about skunks. But that's not cool. You know what's cool?

BILLIONS of jokes about skunks.


who"s your favorite pharaoh?

I feel about pharaohs the way I feel about my children: I love them all the same.


How much do you love dodgeball?

About 1/10th as much as I love pharaohs.


what makes you tick?

Actually, I tock. Tried ticking; ticking didn't take.

So, what makes me tock? Love. Also, an irrational fear of poodles.



what's the vaguest you've ever been?

Oh, you know, this and that.

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