Sunday, September 12, 2010

The New Deal

All right, I'm putting my foot down. Enough is enough. I've taken all I can stands, and I can't stands no more. This far, no farther. The buck stops here. No more fooling around. You can't get fooled again. I've had it up to here.

I'm talking about the nicknames for poker hands. Aces are rockets or bullets, kings are cowboys, Queen three is the gay waiter, fives are presto. Enough. From the Bellagio to, from Pacific Poker to . . . I don't know, is there an Atlantic Poker? -- these are the names that are used.

I say no more. Let's change it up a bit.

AA - Ah, the best hand in Hold 'Em. Unfortunately, I and everybody I know thinks that this means we are entitled to win with them every time we get them, and thus the losses hurt not just from chips lost but from a sense of entitlement thwarted. Aces are like the spoiled trust fund kid with serious entitlement issues who is just begging to get punched in the face while the crowd cheers his pain. Let's call these Spencer Pratts, or just "Pratts" for short.

AK - I'm going to refer to this one as Chthulu, because it seems very powerful, and also it eats my soul. Remember, when you find AK in the void, the void finds AK into you.

AJ - I recommend we call this one The Leno. It's so much more inferior to any other hand that it will ever meet in a big showdown that you're just infuriated when it comes out on top over greater value.

JJ - Call them Doc Hollidays, and you're a daisy if you do. Good to have in a fight, but eventually they'll die hacking blood into a doily.

JT - This is a hand that a whole lot of players seem incapable of folding, usually (I suspect) because it is actually a playable hand, and once a certain type of player has decided to play with a hand, no action after that decision can change their decision, even though JT is really at the bottom of the playable hand stack. Let's use the initials then, and, as a public service announcement of sorts, start calling the hand Just Trash.

T4o - I say we name this hand The Greatest. I think it just needs some attention and a self-esteem boost. It's been folded like 600,782 times in a row.

72 - No, I'm kidding. This will always be The Hammer. Don't mess with the best.

23 - It's the hand you'll never see coming when it guts you on that 223 board. Impossible to imagine that somebody has it, but under the right circumstances it can destroy the mighty. Let's call deuce trey Frodo and Samwise.

More suggestions?


Anonymous said...

lmao. awesome post! laughed my ass off at cthulhu... H.P lovecraft would be proud!

Grange95 said...

Agreed. Cthulhu is the best, and I hope it catches on.

jasper6294 said...

I have always referred to AQ as Al Qaeda since that particular suicide mission blows up in your face everytime you play it.