Monday, August 2, 2010

Advanced Monkey Enragement Methods!

Read this:

Monkeys Hate Flying Squirrels, Report Monkey Annoyance Experts.

First of all, I don't think there can be a better headline this year. Not possible. A few extrapolations from this:

1) There are monkey annoyance experts.

2) They have developed ways of enraging monkeys.

3) These ways are not as efficient as they could be. I imagine this sort of scene playing out in countless laboratories over the decades.

Scientist 1: Are the monkeys enraged yet?

Scientist 2: Well. Yeah. They're pretty angry.

Scientist 1: But are they ENRAGED?

Scientist 2: I think so.

Scientist 1: You . . . THINK?

Scientist 2: They're peevish.

Scientist 1: Dammit! That's just not good enough and you KNOW it, Hector!

Scientist 2: I've been showing them Season 3 of Heroes on a loop for days, I tell you, days! If you know of a better way to piss off a primate, I'm all ears, Skellan!

Scientist 1: I don't know a better way . . . [puts on sunglasses] But I'm going to FIND one.


4) It is important to be able to enrage monkeys, and it is important enough to fund research on finding new and more advanced ways of accomplishing this.

5) They've found one!


The world is a better place now that I know this has been happening all along.

Years from now, we'll all be sitting around, reminiscing about a time when it took a dog, a tube of lube, and three pounds of jalapeno poppers to fully enrage a single monkey. And even then you're talking about an all day project.

Now? You can go from sleeping monkey to full on Hulk Monkey in like 3 minutes.

Thanks, science!

2 comments:

NumbBono said...

I just think I peed myself a little bit. That's all now.

Absinthe said...

Isn't this how 28 Days Later got started?