Sunday, May 23, 2010

BBT5 006: The Candidates, 9-16

Once upon a time, a mysterious figure named Al Can't Hang, using means both mystical and technological, brought several hundred donkeys into one place. His hope was to demonstrate that bloggers, while often incurious, foolish, venal and unable to adjust, would be able to prove themselves worthy of high-quality poker play.

He was totally wrong, and now only this group of total idiots are left as Candidates for Main Event seats. Al is greatly disappointed, but they're all he's got. Here they are, in the order in which they were called, along here are their chances for survival against the FTP Random Number Generator, a spirit of incredible power, nightmarish malevolence, and deliverer of a truly amazing number of two outers, who believes the bloggers to be a canker on the mouth of poker, and who only wants to see them all dead.

If you haven't yet, you may want to read about Candidates 1-8 right here.

Now on to Candidates 9-16.

B B T 5

The next eight candidates are:

NY Rambler is a bundle of contradictions. I don't mean that his nature contradicts itself in ways that advance the plot in thematically rich ways. No. I mean that he just contradicts everybody, all the time, on everything. For example, if you say, "Wow, it sure is hot today!" he'll immediately come back with "Not as hot as it was last week. Actually, I bet that it is cooler than the median temperature for this time of year, historically speaking." If you say, "My grandchildren are so cute" he'll respond, "You are genetically predisposed to think that. Actually, your grandchildren have hammer-ears and club teeth." Given this, I don't think I'm blowing your mind when I say that NY Rambler is not invited to speak at many weddings or funeral services. No wonder fate itself wants him to die.

Also, he's a drug addict.

Qualifying Event: 3rd Invitational.
Candidate Number: 33
Secret Island Power: Never learned to read. Yeah, he claims that's a power, I don't know.
Catchphrase: "You're listening to NPR, and I'm Noah Adams."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Havin' A Roni (Bust A Noodle Mix)
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Life
Odds: You All Everybody to 1.

TexasWoman has become a bit of a LAG ever since everybody she loved was infected by an evil spirt made out of black smoke, forcing her to kill them all, after which the baby she birthed by herself in the middle of a tropical island was stolen away from her by a shifty-eyed looking guy in a terrible hairpiece. And, by LAG, we mean Lunatic A Go-Go, as she uses a booby trap full of pointed sticks as a card capper, and your scalp as a lucky charm. She is very very very very hard to kill, and even harder to find, and honestly she scares us quite a lot. If you find yourself seated to her left, do you know what we don't recommend? Eye contact.

Qualifying Event: 3rd Invitational
Candidate Number: 55
Secret Island Power: Thumb karate.
Catchphrase: "Want to make 14 dollars the hard way?"
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Thin Gruel
Odds: Dingos Ate My Bay-bee to 15.

oossuuu754 (pronounced "OOOOOooussssoooooo seven fifty four") is an odd one, a player that makes erratic, unexpected, and dangerous decisions that put everything in peril at a moment's notice. Luckily for oossuuu754, it is usually somebody else getting hurt. One time, oossuuu754 raised T6o from under the gun, called a big re-raise from the button, and then on the flop, a narwhal leaped on the table and gored his opponent right through both kidneys. I'm telling you, you never know what's going to happen with this one. One thing is certain: Wherever this player goes, it will not be dull. In fact, it's going to be flat out insaaaaaane. There will probably be some sort of twist ending involved.

In fact, rumors are swirling that this Candidate has already killed two other Candidates before the TOC has even started. We should have some confirmation on this development in the third installment.

Qualifying Event: 3rd Poker From The Rail.
Candidate Number: 13
Secret Island Power: Can summon a powerful translucent steed for swift passage through the mists of Avalon.
Catchphrase: "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Malt-O Meal
Odds: Polar-Bear-Cage-Nookie to 1.

pvanharibo is a sensitive soul, but one that will not hesitate to peel your cap back for you, gangland style, if she thinks you are trying to steal her sailboat, and one who will not think twice (or even once) about learning English without telling you about it. She's come to the TOC hoping to find her beloved, who has been totally missing for over a year. You can see her in that picture over to the left, looking at his lucky card capper. Pvanharibo is growing a "garden" full of "herbs" if you know what we mean, and we think that you do, heh, heh, heh. We mean parsley. Yes, NY Rambler was disappointed, too. This is a hard player to put on a hand, or even a range. Just shove and pray before she does, and hopefully you'll be out of the tournament before you know it.

When pvanharibo shoots, she cocks her hand sideways like an LA gang member, which is totally cool-looking.

Qualifying Event: 3rd Mookie.
Candidate Number: 21
Secret Island Power: A pensive stare that that cut through a hatch door.
Catchphrase: " To joke in the face of danger is the supreme politeness, a delicate refusal to cast oneself as a tragic hero."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Pebbles, either Fruity or Cocoa
Odds: One to 1.

Julius_Goat is a twitchy and annoying jumble of nerves and limbs akimbo at obtuse angles, constantly scribling what seems like nonsense in a battered old notebook that he refers to as his "blog." Pitiable beyond measure, Julius_Goat is possessed of a high-functioning-4th grade-level intelligence that he is entirely incapable of accessing because of a retrograde time continuum brain disease that is wasting away his perspicacity, skewing his tie, and pretty much explaining the nonsensical lines he takes during every hand of his horrible poker play. Even worse, Julius_Goat is fated to be shot by his own mother during a time-traveling jaunt. That's way harsh, man. He doesn't even know his own name any more, and is constantly trying to figure out why he is being accused of wearing Julia's Coat. He's not even wearing a coat, it's a tropical island, WTF.

Qualifying Event: 4th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 65
Secret Island Power: Can stammer and stutter simultaneously.
Catchphrase: "What?"
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Unknown
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Pickles in Soy Milk
Odds: The Light Is Scattering Oddly Here to 2.

Jim McManus is unique among all Candidates selected to play in Al Can't Hang's tournament of champions, in that he plays every single possibility of every single hand every single time. That's right, every single way that a hand CAN play out DOES play out for Jim McManus, to the point that, by the time the 2nd hand has played out, Jim has been playing for 4,590 hours. Every hand, Jim wins. Every hand, Jim loses. Every hand, Jim folds and raises and checks and check-raises and re-raises and jams and folds and plays for stacks. Every hand he busts out. Every hand he triples up. You might be wondering why he hasn't won every single time out. The answer is simple. He's ripped to the gills on good 60 year old cask-aged single-malt Scotch. Every single second of every day, somebody gives him a bottle. Every single second of every day, somebody also shoots him right in the heart. It's tough to experience life in five dimensions, but it does mean that when he open-shoves for 50bb, you had better just fold. He probably knows something you don't.

Qualifying Event: 4th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 7
Secret Island Power: Knows over 7,000 riddles.
Catchphrase: "I've been bad. Repeatedly. "
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Special K.
Odds: See You In Another Life, Brotha to 3.

Adam27x has a grenade in his mouth. That really sucks for him. If he could change anything at all about his life, it would be the grenade in his mouth.

Qualifying Event: 4th Poker From The Rail.
Candidate Number: 111
Secret Island Power: Exploding.
Catchphrase: "GRRRRRMMMMMNNPHH!!!"
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Anything at all. Anything but a grenade.
Odds: Even.

TripJax blames himself. Not for anything in particular; for everything in general. Famine and genocide in Sudan, he puts on himself. The rise of the Soviet bloc in post-WWII eastern Europe, he feels he should have been able to prevent if he'd just been a little better and tried a little harder. Hannah Montana? It tears him up inside that he wasn't foresightful enough to hunt down and kill Billy Ray Cyrus back in the late 80s. So you have to believe that when he busts you out of the TOC -- and he WILL bust you out of the TOC -- he is really going to be broken up about it. Prepare for a long and tearful apology, interrupted only by the dry-swallowing of pain pills to numb the sense of grief and guilt that threatens to overwhelm him at all times. When he isn't playing poker to save the world from metaphysical destruction, TripJax works as a clown at children's parties.

Qualifying Event: 4th Mookie.
Candidate Number: 49
Secret Island Power: Can grow a beard of what appears to be gorilla pubes.
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Wheaties.
Odds: We Have To Go Back to 1.

That's the next eight. Look for the final eight in an upcoming installment of . . .

B B T 5

1 comment:

BamBam said...

I just have to say, I LOVE this little thread! But is there where I'm supposed to ask you to be nice to 'one' of the next eight?