Sunday, May 16, 2010

BBT5 005: The Candidates, 1-8

Once upon a time, a mysterious figure named Al Can't Hang, using means both mystical and technological, brought several hundred donkeys into one place. His hope was to demonstrate that bloggers, while often incurious, foolish, venal and unable to adjust, would be able to prove themselves worthy of high-quality poker play.

He was totally wrong, and now only this group of total idiots are left as Candidates for Main Event seats. Al is greatly disappointed, but they're all he's got. Here they are, in the order in which they were called, along here are their chances for survival against the FTP Random Number Generator, a spirit of incredible power, nightmarish malevolence, and deliverer of a truly amazing number of two outers, who believes the bloggers to be a canker on the mouth of poker, and who only wants to see them all dead.

B B T 5

JJOK is a universally-beloved figure in poker blogging, for his wealth, his philanthropy, his delicious cooking, his 23 children, his tension-cutting sense of humor, and his mad hoops skills. He taught George Gervin the finger roll and Julia Childs the jelly roll. More importantly, though JJOK considers himself unlucky, he's been a big winner before, using a system of numbers that most still consider unfathomable. But some suspect that he has actually used his unusual abilities to crack the ancient and powerful numerical coding of Al and The Fiend. A powerful, if kindly, contender. Never count a prior winner out. Until his corpse washes up on the beach, that is.

Qualifying Event: 1st Invitational.
Candidate Number: 17
Secret Island Power: A single "dude" can stop everyone in their tracks.
Catchphrase: "BLOW."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Honeycombs
Odds: Dharma Box Wine to 1.

Maigrey has been around a long time. A very long time. Preferring to allow considerable influence to grow from the shadows, Maigrey operates with the suggestion, the hint, and the occasional Latin phrase. Maigrey is the spiritual leader for a burgeoning cult of burlap-wearing fountain worshipers who claim devotion to Al Can't Hang, but spend most of their time with the Full Tilt RNG. But players beware: A shadowy nature can disguise a canny player. You may not notice Maigrey until you feel the knife sever your larynx.

Qualifying Event: 1st Invitational.
Candidate Number: 77
Secret Island Power: Can make expert "don't shoot me" hands.
Catchphrase: "Them are some powerful big coconut trees, gents."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Boo-Berry
Odds: Chained-In-The-Ship's-Hold to 3.

VinNay is going to lie to you. He just is. He can't help it. He doesn't even feel good about it, necessarily. It's just so easy. The con, the lie, the bluff . . . it all comes so naturally to him. Unfortunately, whenever you decide to track him down, that's when he shows up with real strength. He also enjoys knitting. He has spent the last seven years knitting a submarine cozy, just in case he ever comes across the perfect submarine. VinNay's idea of a perfect submarine is one that is (a) spacious, (b) capable of getting him off the island, and (c) doesn't explode, tragically killing half his friends (SPOILERS!)

Qualifying Event: 1st Poker From the Rail Tournament.
Candidate Number: 22
Secret Island Power: Nicknaming abilities are off the charts.
Catchphrase: "Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIE."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Swedish Chef Stars
Odds: Han and Chewie Hoss Freckles Baby Huey to 53.

xkm1245 is important. Very, very, very, very, very, very important. So important, in fact that you should never forget how absolutely critically important and crucially special he is. He can summon Klondike bars out of thin air. He can put both hands in his pocket. His hair grows .0763 inches a day. He once appeared to Riggstad and he was a lot taller. And sometimes . . . sometimes? He can make cards appear on the river that have NO BUSINESS being there. A wild card in every sense of the word, xkm1245 is a player that you don't want to face, and you don't even know why you don't want to. Also, never mind about him being important. He just lives in New York now. Not really a part of the story.

Qualifying Event: 1st Mookie.
Candidate Number: 1
Secret Island Power: Can exchange his ability to speak with the ability to be inexplicably very wet.
Catchphrase: "It's possible that there is life after death, but even so, after death it is very hard to get a good steak."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Frosted Flakes soaked in Seagrams' Golden Wine Coolers.
Odds: Abducted to 1.

dignitasODEE, a crusty old coot given to excessive consumption of airline peanuts, airline whiskey in mini-bottles, and of airline stewardesses, doesn't even know he is in the Tournament of Champions. His dead stack actually folded its way into a win. What? You say that's impossible? You've clearly never been to the Island of Friggin' Mystery. When he's not playing poker or flying passenger jets, dignitasODEE will drink a whiskey drink, he'll drink a vodka drink, he'll drink a cider drink, he'll drink a lager drink. He'll sing a song that reminds him of the good times, he'll sing a song that reminds him of the best times.

Qualifying Event: 2nd Invitational.
Candidate Number: 212
Secret Island Power: Able to state the obvious with gusto and verve.
Catchphrase: "Awwwww, hell."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Grape Nuts.
Odds: We're Not Going to Guam to 3.

All In At 420 will shoot you in the head. Don't take it personally; he shoots everybody in the head. His dog, his wife, his grandmother on her birthday, everybody. He tips waiters by shooting them in the head. He has gone to funerals of people who he's shot in the head and shot the corpse in the head. And it wasn't even open-casket. It's not his fault. He just wasn't raised with boundaries.

All In At 420 frequents Renaissance fairs, where he sells macrame plant holders and other crafts. A tip to anybody who finds him at their starting table: Haggle down the price on the plant holders, he loves to haggle. Also, look out, because he's probably going to try to shoot you in the head.

Qualifying Event: 2nd Invitational.
Candidate Number: 81
Secret Island Power: Makes really good eggs.
Catchphrase: "Get your ass out here right now."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Honey Nut Cheerios.
Odds: Murder to 1.

hoyazo is a man with his fingers in many pies. Some would call him a chessmaster, others . . . would not. One thing is for certain, however: About once a year he is going to get publicly beaten up by somebody. Perversely, he seems to encourage the hatred of enemies both real and suspected, almost as if the very antipathy were a segment of some larger master plan . . .

Hoyazo also is well-known for killing everything around him. On the far side of the island, he's got a mass grave full of bloggers, Wall Street executives, and also former Celtics great Reggie Lewis. Hoyazo has the power to mesmerize with his enormous protruding eyes, which put his victims into a temporary trance, from which they can barely remember calling, or folding. Hoyazo plays a solid, cagey game, and because of this, despite a creeping realization that the island does not favor him, he expects good results for good habits. He doesn't have a prayer.

Qualifying Event: 2nd Poker From The Rail.
Candidate Number: 9
Secret Island Power: Besides hypnosis? He can do the electric slide for hours.
Catchphrase: "Never before in human history have so many played so fonkerific for so long."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Lucky Charms.
Odds: Attacked By A Polar Bear to 7.

Keep Floppin knows what side the bread is buttered on. That's really not much of an accomplishment, though, to be fair. It's the side that's oilier and sort of cooler to the touch. I mean, you can see butter on the bread. I'm not sure why I brought it up. I guess I'm beating around the bush because, to put it bluntly, Keep Floppin is crazy. Not just like in a Martin Lawrence "you so crazy" way either, or a Beautiful Mind Russell Crowe genius crazy way. Keep Flopping is just flat-out crazypants, living a completely hermetic life for so long that at this point, whatever sparrows get caught in her nets are no longer dinner, but playthings and confidants and eventually close friends, and then dinner. It couldn't be helped, but it's a sad reality. Keep Floppin was left at a table of dead stacks for such a long time that she now sees other people as nothing more than an assortment of chairs. Now the sight of somebody blinding out is enough to make this poor soul run for the collection of sticks and bones she calls "Baby."

Qualifying Event: 2nd Mookie.
Candidate Number: 42
Secret Island Power: Hair extensions can hold up to 14 squirrels.
Catchphrase: "It's the wave of the future, it's the wave of the future, it's the wave of the future, it's the wave of the future."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice, Ice, Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Fruit Loops.
Odds: No Beer and No TV Make Keep Flopping Go Crazy. To 1.

That's the first eight. Look for the next eight in an upcoming installment of . . .

B B T 5


BrainMc said...

Awesome read 1st thing in the morning.

jjok said...

I feel fat.

BWoP said...

How is that you know every single November Nine-r AND every single BBT5 TOC-er?

You must be really popular . . .

TripJax said...

You are JGenius my friend.

oossuuu754 said...

Oh I can't wait to see what he says about me. I am like a kid at Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Hoy should be the smoke monster, imo. Ben isn't evil enough.