Wednesday, May 26, 2010

BBT 007: The Candidates 17 - 24

Once upon a time, a mysterious figure named Al Can't Hang, using means both mystical and technological, brought several hundred donkeys into one place. His hope was to demonstrate that bloggers, while often incurious, foolish, venal and unable to adjust, would be able to prove themselves worthy of high-quality poker play.

He was totally wrong, and now only this group of total idiots are left as Candidates for Main Event seats. Al is greatly disappointed, but they're all he's got. Here they are, in the order in which they were called, along here are their chances for survival against the FTP Random Number Generator, a spirit of incredible power, nightmarish malevolence, and deliverer of a truly amazing number of two outers, who believes the bloggers to be a canker on the mouth of poker, and who only wants to see them all dead.

If you haven't yet, you may want to read about Candidates 1-8 right here. Also, without a doubt you may be interested in Candidates 9-16, available right here.

Now on to Candidates 17-24.

B B T 5

lightning36 is an old married couple, but not one of those soul-crushing OMC's that are just like two animals with their legs caught in the same trap, glaring at each other with mutual antipathy and resigned indifference. No, lighting36 is one of those couples that Kurt Vonnegut referred to as as a duprass, which is, as everybody knows, a karass that consists of only two people. They are as one. One half of lightning is bold, improvisational, dying of cancer, and willing to make snap calls with AJ for many, many big blinds. The other half is more cautious, and more apt to "lightning-fold" when trouble seems imminent, or half-imminent ("himminent"), or sort-of imminent ("sortimminant"). Also, this half is a dentist. If these two halves are working in perfect harmony, lightning36 promises to be extremely inspirational, and one tough cookie at the poker table. Like, the sort of cookie that has been sitting out on the counter for a week. That's tough, yo.

Qualifying Event: 5th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 12
Secret Island Power: Only visible once a year.
Catchphrase: "Things that go away by themselves can come back by themselves."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Rice Krispies
Odds: If It Ain't One Thing It's Another With You People.

Shabazz Jenkins is a righteous man of God, and not in some kind of limp-wristed, "I'll pray for your eventual redemption" hippie sort of way, either. He will beat you sensible. He wants to hurt good poker play into you. If you limp Aces in EP, it's upside your head with the Jesus stick. If you call three pot-sized bets with nothing but top pair, deuce kicker, it's upside your head with the Jesus stick. If you think that raising from the cutoff but failing to follow up with a C-bet is good play, it's upside your head with the Jesus stick. Paddling the school canoe? Ooooh, you'd better believe that's upside your head with the Jesus stick. Shabazz Jenkins will not rest until he's pummeled every blogger into their own optimal playing style. As such, he is the sworn enemy of the RNG and the Chosen One of Al Can't Hang. He will sever the island's ancient ties with evil. Amen.

Qualifying Event: 5th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 99
Secret Island Power: Wins any staring contest.
Catchphrase: "Jinkies, Scooby!"
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Honey Bunches of Oats
Odds: Upside Your Head With A Jesus Stick to 1.

oossuuu754 is a wily one. You thought he was that hot girl who likes to climb trees and shoot people, but NOW LOOK, FOOLS! He's THIS guy. That's right, he just popped two candidates right in the groceries and they'll never see the TOC in this lifetime or maybe any other. Don't blame oossuuu754, though. He had a good reason to do this. Maigrey and Hoy's evil burlap-wearing island cult stole his lucky sunglasses, the ones he wore to the WSOP 2007, and they plastered them up in a wall! That's right, they walled his lucky charm! (Incidentally, this explains why he is always screaming "WAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLED!!!!") The only way to get them back was to go and shoot Numb Bono and Lucko in the head! Drama!!!!

Qualifying Event: 5th Poker From The Rail.
Candidate Number: 10
Secret Island Power: Can fly at altitudes of no more than 2 inches.
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Rice Chex

oossuuu754 is . . . is . . . wait a minute. What's he doing here? Why is he suddenly now a bald guy with a million billion knives? Something REALLY STRANGE is happening on this island. You know what? They'd better explain all this, or I will be VERY pissed by the time this is all over. It's starting to seem like they are just making this stuff up as they go.

OK, well for now we know that oossuuu754 is a bit of a shapeshifter, but this is probably his true form. A man seeking faith, who just can NOT fold his cards until he's seen the whole board play out. The island has told him that his gutterball will fill, you see. And, here he is, after all. Still.

Qualifying Event: 5th Mookie.
Candidate Number: 4
Secret Island Power: Time travel, shape-shifting, and not being told what he can't do.
Catchphrase: "Your chips were the sacrifice the island demanded."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Cheerios
Odds: Infinite.

BamBamCan is a cold-blooded killer with a wounded heart. He's searching for the love of his life, his one and only, his soul mate, Pebbles. But what the hey, he's been stuck on this island for two weeks. This blonde chick will do.

BamBamCan can and might kill you or torture you, but you have to know that he'll feel really bad about it as he's stacking your chips and booking his room in the Rio. Also, he is a semi-professional speed-skipper. He's been known to skip for hours and hours, everywhere he goes. He skipped an entire marathon once. The Kenyan skippers still beat him, though, but still. He's pretty good.

Qualifying Event: 6th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 8
Secret Island Power: Soul power.
Catchphrase: "What product do you use in your hair, my friend?"
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Trix
Odds: Bamboo shoots under your nails to 3.

pushmonkey72 is a brazen hussy, an intellectual who can cut out your ruptured appendix and a survivalist who will shoot you before you can shoot her. Pushmonkey72 is not afraid to go to the nuclear option, shoving in her stack on every hand. Though at heart a kindly person, pushmonkey72 has slowly grown cold and pragmatically ruthless over the years. Also, feel free to join her book club. This month, they'll be baking peanut butter cookies and talking about The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan. Pushmonkey especially liked the part when Suyuan has severe dysentery, and do you think that was symbolic of anything?

Qualifying Event: 6th Invitational.
Candidate Number: 101
Secret Island Power: Can miraculously heal anybody's diarrhea, though you don't really want to know how.
Catchphrase: "I don't care, I still have chips over in Sideways World."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Cap'n Crunch
Odds: Nuclear Asplosion to 5.

adamsapple19 doesn't want the power. He doesn't want the fame. He doesn't want the prestige. He doesn't want the money. But he does want the power. He wants all of it. He's so ruthless that when he realized his secretary's name was "Ruth" he had her shot. This is a guy who sold his own mother into slavery, just in case it was something that would help him claw his way to the top. He went to the Gulf oil spill just to laugh. He once paid Godzilla to attack his ex-wife's gated community. He wears excellent suits. Tailored. He enjoys Werther's Originals caramel hard candies. He will not share. If he loses the hand, he'll scoop the pot anyway. Are you going to stop him? Then get ready to see what death tastes like.

Qualifying Event: 6th Mookie.
Candidate Number: 2
Secret Island Power: Can sing all 4 parts of the "Chilli's Baby Back Ribs" harmony.
Catchphrase: "Um . . . When you said we'd be fighting a "Smoke Monster" I assumed that was figurative."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Frankenberry
Odds: Freighter Full Of Mercenaries to 1.

Qualifying Event: Nope.
Candidate Number: 15
Secret Island Power: Well, it isn't breathing underwater, I'll tell you that much! Hey-O! Too soon?
Catchphrase: "I'm sorry that I came home with the blood of my victims on my clothes. Here's a puppy. Now shut up."
Favorite Vanilla Ice Song: Ice Ice Baby
Favorite Breakfast Cereal: Krispy Kritters
Odds: Never Met Your Daughter to 3.

Jin never got assigned to anybody. I mean, he would have, but then Shabazz won a second seat in the 6th Poker From The Rail, basically kicking him off the island.

Oh, hey, there's Shabazz now with his fellow multiple seat winner, the ever shape-shifting oossuuu754.

Wait a minute . . . oossuuu754 keeps looking like different people . . . he appears everywhere . . . he keeps hitting all those 4 outers . . .

Oh. My. God.






Don't go, Shabaaz! Fight! Fight!

"He said, 'You're next.' "


B B T 5


Dawn Summers said...

Did that one guy really win four seats? Or...are there really no seats at all and the ToC just existed to help us deal with the fact that we'll never make it as poker players?

Riggstad said...

You're not seeing the greater story here Dawn! Everything doesn't have to be so literal!

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julius_Goat said...

The way I see it, given the information at hand, Al wanted to try to resolve all of the world's bad beats and the RNG is trying to stop him. I'd say the RNG has probably killed oossuuu754 sometime around the year 1600 and has been impersonating him ever since.

I just can't believe we're going into the final tournament and they haven't given us all the hand histories!!! Are you KIDDING ME? How are we supposed to know what's going on?? I think they're just making this all up.

oossuuu754 said...

OMG, Goat you have outdone yourself and I really am truly going to hate killing you off. WWWAAAAAIIIIILLLL

April said...

It all makes sense now.

Or does it?

BamBam said...

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Okay, not really! But I didn't want to hurt your feelings.


No "Pebbles" for fav cereal?
Silly Goat.

donald said...

i feel incredibly isolated by thus post as i do not watch lost. am i the only one???