Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Stupid System 013: Rush Poker

If you are like me, then you have been spending the last seven or eight months taking a bath in butterscotch, only to finally give up, get out of that bath, and discover that it is actually a buttermilk bath that is supposed to give you youthful, supple skin. Stupid illiteracy!

The stickiness . . . it . . . you can't imagine it.

But anyway, if you're like anybody else out there, then of course you've notice the latest, the greatest, the mostest on toastest from coast to coastest, the patent-pending new thrill-machine from Fult Hilt Poker on the World Wide Web. I'm speaking, of course, of Rush Poker. What is Rush Poker? How did it start? How is it played? Can you still do it in your underwear?

Hold on. I'm reading the Wikipedia page. Don't pressure me.


OK, I'm back. So here's the deal with Rush Poker. It was first started, as you might expect, in Russia, where, out on the frozen Suberian tundra, your britches got frozen up pretty darn fast if you couldn't step lively. This resulted in a crazy poker variant with the following adjustments:

1) Furry hats were mandatory.

2) This being Soviet Russia, the cards played YOU.

3) You would only sit on your frozen chair for a single hand before leaping up from your seat and scrambling to another seat. This would keep your keister from sticking to the seat, true, but it would also cause no end of trouble as each man made a mad dash for an empty seat, resulting in a mash up of Seven-Card Stud and musical chairs.

Now, this wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination. Russian cardrooms got out of hand with alarming frequency. People got trampled underfoot. Stronger players would get position on weaker players. One large game broke out in Stalingrad and by the time it was over, Trotsky had fled to Bolivia. Worse, the game played at about seven hands a day. Vodka didn't help. Communism didn't help. Organizational charts didn't help. Seat assignment spreadsheets didn't help. But vodka helped a little. And as bad as Russian poker was, Russian craps and especially Russian roulette were worse.

But where borsht and mortar poker rooms were ill-equipped to deal with difficulties inherent in Russian poker (shorted to "Rush" poker to please the U.S. market), the online sites, with their lack of physicality, was found to be ideal. Even Trotsky is playing these days, and he's just a head in a jar of saline.

So anyway. Rush poker is a cash game with hundreds or even thousands of people all playing simultaneously, which is great because you never get to know your table mates before everybody is gone. It's like chat roulette, but with less sudden surprising testicles on your screen (depending on your playing style). It's the new sensation. Want to be the best online casino for US players? You're going to want to spread this game.

How To Play Rush Poker

1) Fold until you get Aces, then shove. This will work.

2) This also can work for Kings and Queens.

3) Also Jacks and Tens. Also Ace King suited.

4) Most suited connectors are playable this way, as well. Also pairs down to 22.

5) If somebody sucks out on you, you're going to want to follow them to berate them in the chatty box. This is going to be very difficult, so I recommend using Control + F to find them. Then type what you want to say to them in Wordpad. Then paste it from Wordpad into the chat. Now, the target of your derision may have quick-folded, which means he isn't seeing that screen even though he's there, so keep doing this for a few hours until you're sure he's seen it. You might want to get another monitor or two to handle this. Really, it's an art.

6) I'm not entirely sure that this ISN'T chat roulette, so I'd recommend wearing a mask.

That's it, friends! Have fun out there!

[© 2010 Julius Goat. Cover Image by Mookie “Big O” Pokeroom]

Previous Chapters
Stupid/System by Julius_Goat
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Addendum
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12


Sean G said...

Man, I feel like the only person in the world who doesn't watch "Lost." If only Goat would ever do another funny poker blog... will I have to wait for the oh-ten November Nine introductions?

You know the best part about those butterscotch baths? No more need to buy merkin adhesive.

The Poker Meister said...

Great post!

BLAARGH! said...

Brilliant Goat, as always... made my morning!

BTreotch said...

My strategy: resteal, reload, resteal, slow play, resteal, reload, reload, cash out

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