Thursday, June 25, 2009

Do You Remember The Time

In Which I Give In To The Inevitable

Follow me, if you dare, @JuliusGoat on Twitter.

It will be just like my normal writing! Except constricted and even more subject to short attention spans!

Your Weekly Dose Of Awesome

Capitalist pranks hippy.

On the other hand, capitalist turns out to be something of a (and I'm trying to phrase this delicately) ho.

So, you know, there's something for everybody!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

One Hand At A Time 004: The Hammer

When Jordan says jump, I say "how high", I guess. I actually interviewed The Hammer a few weeks ago but just today got around to editing the footage. Anyway, here we go, a blogger's favorite hand:

Episode 1: Jack Ace Offsuit
Episode 2: Snowman Tater Legs
Episode 3: Ace King

Your Weekly Dose Of Crazy

One of these days I have to get back to long text pieces again. YouTube is just the gift that keeps on giving, though. Control plus paste equals crazy delicious.

Speaking of crazy, here's your dose. Language NSFW.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Your Weekly Dose of Crawsome

"Crawsome" is when something is simultaneously crazy and awesome. Alternatively, "awesazy" is when something is simultaneously awesome and crazy.

Which means, of course, that "crawsazysome" is when something is simultaneously crawsome and awesazy.

And that, my friends, is supercalifragalisticexpealadocious.

When I received an email today from an individual apparently named "Nanny Ho", I knew today was the day to drop this package on you.

Poppins in house, yo. Respeck.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Kill Tilt, Vol. 1

BBT4 busted me. BBmT didn't help. Turned my last three bucks into thirty on Friday in a 90 seat SNG. I are so good at the pokers.

So flush with Tilt bucks and with my roll way up in the double digits, I played another one . . . and got my AK snapped off by a guy who opened EP with a 3 blind raise, called my re-raise, flat called half pot bets on an AQ8 flop and a Q turn. He checked the 8 on the river, and I, suspicious, checked as well.

He had 86. Sooted.

And I don't care. Why is this? Typically this is where I shake my head and get a little ornery. Nothing extravagant. I don't yell, or hit things, or shave my head. I try not to even spout off in chat. But I usually get ornery, all the same. If you don't feel me on this, you're lying. Poker messes with that internal sense of justice like nothing else. You weren't supposed to lose, and you did. A bad thing has happened to a good person. The universe is not in alignment while those chips rest in front of that flatliner over there. Lately, though, I don't care. Have I become immune to just how fishy the games on these online poker sites are?

Or am I just comfortably numb?

Maybe so, maybe not. I think it is a good thing. I'd like to bottle my reaction to last night's "injustice". I think it is of utmost importance, this ability to absolve the other guy of bad play. If you hang on to the bad play of another, then that bad play owns you in some small way. It controls you. It affects you, and your own play.

Here's the thing about hanging onto the injustice of bad play made good. It will never make you better. Ever.

So Kill Tilt, everybody. Next time you lose to that snap-calling eight-deuce, just type the most confusing thing you could possibly type in that situation ("nh") and move along.

Tell 'em the Goat sent you.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday Is Kids In The Hall Day

"The gypsies had no home, the Doors had no bass."

Thursday, June 4, 2009


OK, the TOC is up this Sunday, and while I'll be hanging at a Phish show in New Jersey at the time (check the Coventry Blog for updates, Phishheads), a lot of other people will be gnashing their teeth because they just got busted out of a chance to make the Main Event, or at the very least run away with ten large of Howard Lederer's money.

Thus, here is a post about each player's odds to win. This is the fashionable thing to do and, let's face it, I am so fashionable that I sleep in an Armani tux. Also, it makes an easy blog post, and maybe gets people talking. So please, keep in mind, this is simply one man's opinion about your poker play and your abilities as a parent, as well as your personal hygiene. It's not personal, and it certainly isn't meant to reflect on whether or not you are a good or bad human, so please just relax and have fun with it.

Here we go, in order from best human being to worst.

* * * * *

As we have discovered, Jordan makes his own luck out of macrame and beads and molasses. He's also crushed every single one of you like a tap dancer in a roach motel. He has already eliminated like seven people from the event and it hasn't even started yet, so face it, you're toast. Jordan is going to win, then go to Vegas and punch Hellmuth in the eye and spit in his hair. Odds: 3-1.

As everybody knows, jjok is actually just a houseplant that got a little bit too big for its britches one day, gained sentience, started a blog, won a tournament, and then faded right back into its vegetable slumber. Like Flowers For Algernon, but for plants. Sad. Anyway, this is one aspidistra that isn't even logging in. Forget it. Odds: One bag of Ruffles Cool Ranch to one fun-size Pizza Cracker Combos.

Oscar The Grouch. This is an aggresive guy but face it, unlucky and really, really bad. He plays only trash and smells like Rosie O'Donnell's ankles. Odds: 9 to 5.

Joe Pesci. You are going to f_____g suck out on him, and he will find you and shoot you in the f_____g head right in front of your r___ang___tle family, you f____qst piece of ____orntle. Odds: F**** You.

Oprah Winfrey. YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat. Odds: Tom Cruise Electrocution to one.

Miami Don. This is Hoyazo's imaginary friend. He is going to win both seats. Odds: Forever across every dimension.

Tyrannasaurus Rex. No chance at all. Tiny little arms. Odds. 7,000,000,000 to one.

Hoyazo. He would normally be very high, up on this list but I just received word that he has broken his clicking finger. Odds: None to one to seven.

Astin. Is not in the TOC. He and I will be weeping at the same time, but in different countries, and with different eyes. Odds: Duck's breast braised in orange sauce and served with carmelized truffles and artichoke heart marmalade, to one.

Fabio. Say what you will about the man, but let's face it, he has a great head of hair. You could catch a seagull in that mane. Odds: Can't Believe It's Not Butter to one.

Snoop Dogg. Snoop will be doing his bizzle to winizzle all the chizzle, my bizzle f'rizzle, you izzle? Please helpizzle I cizzle stopizzle thizzle fizzle. Izzle. Ha! Ha! Ha!. See, it's funny because Snoop says "izzle" a lot! Odds: 187 - 1 on an Undercover Cop.

Immanuel Kant. Regarded as one of the most influential thinkers of modern Europe and of the late Enlightenment. Kant created a new widespread perspective in philosophy which influenced philosophy through to the 21st Century. He also published important works of epistemology, as well as works relevant to religion, law, and history. One of his most prominent works is the Critique of Pure Reason, an investigation into the limitations and structure of reason itself. It encompasses an attack on traditional metaphysics and epistemology, and highlights Kant's own contribution to these areas. He also way overvalues low pairs, and just loses it when you suck out on him. Total tilt monkey. Odds: I think, Therefore I Am to one.

Al Can't Hang: The prohibitive favorite. Karma, baby. Odds: Even.

Frank Gehry - He'll be too busy crumpling up his hole cards and sketching them to play a really solid game of poker. Man, that's annoying. Odds: 10-1.

Daniel LaRussa: The Karate Kid will be a tough competitor, probably the best around. No-one's ever gonna keep him down. He's a little too gimmicky and tends to overthink. Very susceptible to sweeping the leg. However, he caught the fly in his chopsticks on the first try, putting Miyagi on mega-tilt. Odds: You Beginner Luck to one.

And that's everybody, I'm pretty sure. I just want to say that I personally have had a great time with the BBT, and though I'm sad that this is the last one, I have nothing but gladness when I consider this great series. Everybody who played is a competitor, and, in a very real sense, we're all winners.

But, in a much more real sense than that previous sense, the winners are the winners, and the rest of us are the losers. Haw, haw! Losers!

Good luck out there, all of you!

Friday Is Kids In The Hall Day

"Yesterday's kill."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Stupid/System 012: Going Pro

Note: This post originally appeared in Full Tilt Poker's Poker From The Rail blog. It's reprinted in full on The_Goat_Speaks for the first time, in order to A) allow readers whose work blocks Tilt to read this very important groundbreaking work, and B) make it look like I'm posting without actually doing any work.

Anyway, go to Poker From The Rail, even though you will run into a lot of my poker writing there It's good, it's fresh, it's organic, and it is reasonably priced.

* * * * *

If you’ve been following along with me, you now have a lot of the “tools” that you’ll need for long-term, online and live poker success. You know how to fire the third bullet with air, shove a double belly to represent the set, get the fish to double you when you’ve got the nuts, play ATC, abuse the bubble, and exploit the weak-tights with squeezes, overbets, underbets, brass knuckles, clarinet solos, the crane kick and other advanced moves.

So now you are asking yourself: Is it time for me to go pro?

Woah! Wait a second there, Sparky! Not so fast!

First of all, of COURSE you should go pro! You’re totally, lusciously, awesome! Read the first paragraph! You’re like the Bruce Lee of poker, and you’re getting your “Heeeeeeoooooooow!” on. The question you need to ask yourself is, what KIND of pro are you going to be? There’s more than just one kind, you know. I mean, if you don’t decide that, how are you going to know whether or not to buy a cowboy hat or a hoodie? Get with the program.

Other things you’ll want to ponder as you start your career as a top pro:

Poker is like life. Like poker, life is a series of two cards that you are dealt at random, which you use in an attempt to win as many tiny bits of clay or plastic as you can. Also like poker, life is experienced with six to nine other people, three of whom smell like feet soaked in cat food. Also like poker, life takes place on green, red, or purple felt, and involves a series of all-or-nothing propositions, after which you lose and cry on TV like a tween girl who just saw the Jonas Brothers in the mall, or else win and scream your barbaric yawp like a viking who just beheaded a Visigoth, though in fact you just get a considerably larger quantity of little bits of clay or plastic. And that’s not the only ways poker is like life, either! There are a lot of other ones, too, like sometimes you lose and sometimes you win. Think about it.

Bankroll. You should have at least one buy-in for whatever level you play, otherwise you won’t be able to buy in. That’s economics 101, but you’d be surprised how many pros forget this and try to buy in with some other good or service, like tax tips or pickled venison chittlins. Most people recommend at least 200 buy ins, and some go as low as 50, but let’s face it, you only need that if you’re planning on losing. Are you planning on losing? Didn’t think so. Next!

Quirks. Marcel Luske wears his sunglasses upside-down. Gus Hanson pretends to be bald. Antonio Esfandiari does the magic thing. Chris Ferguson throws cards. Mike Caro does his crossword with a pen. Phil Hellmuth pretends to be a child trapped in a man’s body. Daniel Negraneu is Canadian. Every pro has at least one quirk, which separates them from the field and gets them notice from TV cameras and sponsors. What will your quirk be? I’ll offer a few suggestions here, but realistically, these will be taken within minutes of publication, so you’d do well to use your imagination.

- Cover your body covered in sharp, protective quills.

- Never wear sunglasses. But always wear a suit made out of sunglasses.

- Vulcan ears.

- Celebrate every big pot with a specific food, like biscuits and gravy.

- Dress like a Leprachaun.

- Act like you are in a musical. Sing all your dialogue.

Cash or Tourny? This is probably the most important decision you will make as you decide whether or not to go pro. It is much like choosing your race, profession, or alignment in a RPG such as World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons. A cash player, for example, can wield a two-handed sword (but not an axe), gets a +2 modifier on all attacks against the undead, and can call an animal familiar but cannot learn any other spells, while a tourny player will go broke in a year.

Mentor. It’s important to get a mentor to help coach you through the rough patches, deal with the psychological effects of variance, and work through some of the tougher spots you face at the table. I’d get Doyle Brunson if I were you. He’s pretty good. Just go up to him at this year’s WSOP and hand him a 3-ring binder containing your last year of hand histories from Full Tilt poker, along with your business card. Tell him that you’ll be back in a week for his notes. He shouldn’t need more than that, he’s a fast reader.

[© 2009 Julius Goat. Cover Image by Mookie “Big O” Pokeroom]

Previous Chapters
Stupid/System by Julius_Goat
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Addendum
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Your Weekly Dose of Awesome

Harvard Biology computer simulation: The Inner Life of a Cell.