Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Set The Controls For The Center Of The Dumb

Cross-posted on FilmChaw

I've seen it now. Extended clips from the upcoming terrible movie, 2012, which is about the end of the world and will make 13 billion dollars. I'm sad to report that John Cusack, who is often awesome, has lent his likeness to this obvious steamer of a movie. I refuse to believe it's him. I'm assuming it is a CGI construct made of leftover Cusack parts, and that's why he looks like he's sort of melted a little. Let's just call him Q-Sack, OK?

Here's the clip:

So, here is the ground is sinking very fast into . . . I don't know, nothing? Something? It's sinking. And it's sinking exactly as fast as a limo can drive. Because they are in a limo. Outrunning the earth collapsing. Which is chasing them. Don't blame me, I didn't do this to you. It's all in the clip there. Then a building collapses in front of them. So they drive the limo through the building. The Q-Sack has rented an airplane, which is still being held for him even though its the end of the world, because let's not pursue that line of reasoning please, and luckily his ex-wife's husband (who will for sure die a Heroic Death® so that Q-Sack can be Reunited With His Family®) knows how to fly. Sort of. He's a flight student.

They fly away from the collapsing earth just as Call-ee-for-nee-ah collapses into the ocean. And there they are, in a little two-prop, flying over the new ocean, which extends for . . . I don't know. Forever?

They breath a sigh of relief. (Phew! We're alive for the next however long this thing can go on however much gas it has!) Your brain eats a sad pie made of pixels and illogic and dies, huddled in the corner like a poisoned labradoodle. You can't expect less, because this is from the "filmmakers" that brought you that turd biscuit "Godzilla" and tried to convince you that an iMac could quickly and easily install a computer virus into an alien spaceship. So now we get to figure out how Q-Sack and family actually survive this planetary cataclysm.

And yes, it's a planetary event. Because in the trailer? The monk who is ringing the gong gets eaten by the Mountain of CGI Water. That would be the Himalayas, which is only the highest point of elevation on earth. If THAT is underwater, then . . . um . . . physics. So really, unless you are capable of flight to another inhabitable planet in that two-prop, who are you fooling, Q-Sack? Who? Who?

This is it, Pollock. It's done it. It's broken through. It's what all the other spectacle movies have been moving toward. It's the apotheosis of The Big Dumb.

It's "Explosion! The Movie", from the makers of "Fart! The Movie" and "Skinny Man Pretends to Be Fat Old Woman! The Movie" and "Punchline You Recognize From Another Movie! The Movie" and "Die Hard on a Die Hard."

Honestly, I don't mind big flashy entertainment, but just try. TRY. Try to make sense, just a little, Hollywood. Just because you can write a movie on an Etch-a-Sketch doesn't mean that you should.


Astin said...

Two words - Roland Emmerich

He had Stargate, and I liked it because it had Kurt Russel and James Spader and a cool premise. Then he had ID4, and I liked it's brainless popcorn patriotism and the fact the aliens and ships resembled Stargate's a bit.

Then after the success of ID4... well... umm.... yah, Godzilla. Taking Matthew Broderick and Jean Reno and Hank Azaria, and somehow making a movie that sucked.

Then I skipped a movie. Then came The Day After Tomorrow, and I laughed at how terrible it was as I popped in the DVD. Limo outrunning collapsing Earth? That's nothing compared to teenagers outrunning COLD!

10,000 BC? Skipped it.

But 2012? I think if I shut off my brain now, it might be dead enough in November that I might enjoy the ridiculousness of continental shift ending the world. Hey, maybe he'll actually END the world in the film. That would make it worthwhile, instead of most of the population escaping somehow (maybe many tiny planes?)

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Love the tag for this post man. I could not stop thinking about some of your earlier posts on that topic as I read through this.

Word verification for this comment: angrae. As in, I am angrae they ever made this movie to begin with.

Sean G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean G said...

Luckily, reading this pre-review is as close as I will ever get to seeing this movie. I had no idea John Cusack was in this awful thing... I guess he must need a new agent. Or a new house. One of the two.

Also, excellent title, Atom Heart Mother.

Cardgrrl said...

You know you love a rant when you wish you had written it!

Way to bring the righteous, Goat!

Anonymous said...

Looks like they should have gotten in a BOAT, maybe a SHIP and headed west instead of east eh?

Anonymous said...

First time I am answering any of the various pages I follow. Because I really have to say, as a German:

I am so, so sorry for Roland Emmerich and almost all he has done. As sorry as Canada is for Celine and Brian.

Just wanted to let you know.

MV from overseas.