I'm back and once again speaking truth to poker. Here's the real story of each of the 2009 November Nine, aka the final table of the WSOP Main Event. Though it is hard to believe, I know each of these men personally.
Name: Eric Buchman
Occupation: Internet poker pro
Nickname: Billy Dee Ass Machine
Poker Style: Aggressive, a whole lot of gamble, loves inside straight draws, loves pocket pairs, which he calls "quad draws."
Alignment: Right justified.
Card Capper: A photograph of Doyle Brunson in a locket, autographed by Dutch Boyd.
Favorite Country Song: The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There , by Nantilly Huckett
Brief Bio: Eric Buchman confirms a rumor that's been gaining a head of steam for the last year or so; to wit: poker isn't just for casinos anymore. You can actually play it on the World Wide Web, aka the Information Superhighway, aka the Twittersphere. In fact, a couple people actually make their livings this way. I know, it's a magical age we live in now. Just wait for the jet packs.
Anyway, Eric's days and most of his nights are spent basking in the ultraviolets of his seven linked flat-screen monitors, where he plays 20 tables at a time, and "pwns" the "donks" and "n00bs" until he "l"s "ol". Everybody's pretty much on the edge of their seat to see if this can finally be the year that an internet qualifier breaks out of the pack of professional players and finally wins the big one, and Eric is just the cat to do it, too. He's responsible for dozens of innovations in online poker, and is a god to the other pros, who revere him and feed his fish for free when he's out of town. Looking up somebody on Sharkscope who just sucked out on you and telling him that his stats are a total joke? That was Eric. Using TeddyKGB in your screen name? Eric. Out-of-focus baby picture avatar on Pokerstars? Eric. Complaining non-stop about the poor level of play in a $10 tournament? All Eric. He's basically defined the Internet game for the last decade or more.
As you might imagine, Eric has been an extremely successful player, racking up profits of millions . . . well, hundreds of thou-- well, I mean thousands, hundr-- he estimates he's probably broken even, just about. It's hard to beat donkeys. But now he's a guaranteed millionaire, and that's exciting no matter how you look at it, especially to his nearest and dearest loan sharks, who he's never seen without. He's already going to be able to keep his head from being put in a vice, and if he going deeper than 9th, and wins more than a million, he'll be able to pay his backers enough of the vig that he'll keep both his thumbs! Poker is a glamorous lifestyle.
Eric is very spiritual, and a strong believer in mantras to help him center himself during a game. His current one is: "HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD JUST ONE TIME HOLD!!!!"
Fun Fact: In his spare time, Eric renovates vintage cars, collects first generation GI Joe action figures, kills people with a sniper rifle in exchange for money, and plays with Lego blocks. Last year he made a scale model of the Great Wall of China out of Legos! He's really talented.