Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Meet The Final Table 009: Jeff Shulman

And finally I am done and still alive. I would like to thank my bodyguards for keeping me safe from nefarious forces dedicated to preventing the truth from being known, my family for their love and support, and Dr. Pauly for all the links.

Let's go.

____________________________

Name: Jeff Shulman

Age: 41

Occupation: Garbage Man.

Nickname: Mary.

Poker Style: Almost unbelievably tight.

Alignment: Lawful Evil.

Card Capper: Oscar the Grouch bobblehead.

Favorite Country Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit, by Pearl Jam

Brief Bio: Jeff isn't your average garbage man. That's a guy who picks up your garbage and throws it in a big truck, which he then drives to the dump. That's not Jeff. No, Jeff runs a specialty garbage man operation. He throws stuff away for you at a reasonable (but still professional) rate. He comes to your place, he scopes it out, and he selects a few key items that you'd really be better without. In the trash they go! He tosses your crap in style, too. He doesn't just heave your refuse over his shoulder, no, no, no, no, no, no. He tosses each piece of trash into a personally-arranged trash can, specially picked to make sure that the junk in question is given its most perfect setting.

You name it, he's thrown it away. Lamps (lava and regular), nuclear reactors, Jimmy Hoffa, old comic books, VHS seasons of ALF and "Small Wonder", Busta Rhymes' career, uncomfortable couches, unlucky pennies, buckets full of nuts without bolts, some coffee grounds and wood, birthday presents you forgot you had, wicker hammocks, missing pages of the Warren Report, a T-bone steak, embarrassing albums you bought in eight grade, Umbro shorts, Michael Jackson zipper pants, and disco.

But he's never thrown away a WSOP bracelet. He hopes to change all that in November. He knows just what a beautiful tinkle that circlet of jewelery would make hitting a hand carved mahoghany dustbin with flared lip and a beveled stand.

It will be his masterpiece of disposal. He'll probably retire afterward, unless he gets the opportunity to chuck the crown jewels of Croatia.


Fun Fact:
Contrary to popular belief, Jeff Shulman is not all that Happy.

Previous Entries

Darvin Moon
James Akenhead
Phil Ivey
Kevin Schaffel
Steve Begleiter
Eric Buchman
Joe Cada
Antoine Saout

1 comment:

Sean G said...

Way to go out with a bang.