Monday, September 14, 2009

Meet The Final Table 008: Antoine Saout

We're in the home stretch. Once again, these are the real stories of the November Nine, all of whom I know very well.


Name: Antoine Saout

Age: 67

Occupation: Mime.

Nickname: Nunkle.

Poker Style: Calling station. Also an answering station. His draws fill without outs. He once lost to running cards with flopped quads, just to see what it felt like. That's right. He's the Most Interesting Poker Player In The World.

Alignment: Extra good.

Card Capper: His elbow.

Favorite Country Song: I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart , by Jack Clement.

Brief Bio: Born in Nice and educated in Paris, Antoine is regarded by all in the extensive and influential miming community to be probably the very worst mime in the history of anything. He actually can't even successfully hail a cab. He couldn't walk against the wind in a hurricane. The box he's pretending to be trapped in is visible, and made of cardboard. His face is a painted extravagance of puckish horrowshow whimsy that makes all who view it want to murder him. OK, that last one is pretty much all mimes. But believe me when I tell you, that Antoine Saout is the mime's mime. He's horrid.

"How is he so rich then?" you might ask me, if you knew he was rich. It's simple. Antoine invented the Macarena in the early nineties. He was trying to eat a baguette with le fromage on it at the time, but his total lack of la coordinatione, coupled with his tragic inability to communique with hommes and la femmes of any nationalitez, conspired to make him look like he was having le grande trop tard mal seizure.

Fortunately, there were a bunch of drunk touristes watching this, and le horrifying dance craze was born. Antoine, while pathetique at his craft, was smart enough to get le marque du trade, and cleaned up, netting over 30 million francs, which are like dollars, but with pretty colors and not owned by the Chinese. He got into cards about seven years ago, when he realized that as an incompetent mime, his tells were totally confusing to anyone unfortunate enough to be in a hand with him. All he had to do was try to represent what he actually had, and they'd get it wrong every time.

His debt to humanity will never be repaid, however, not just for inventing the herpes of dances, but also just for being a mime, the most hated of all types of anything ever, including Kanye West. Most of his chips he got through the disqualification of his opponents, as often just sitting next to a player from Texas and wiggling his penciled-on mime eyebrows has been enough to get him throat-punched. Happily, Antoine is well-prepared with a stainless steel throat visor, and has emerged unscathed.

And save your comments. If you don't know that you can turn a word French by adding le or la or les at the front and then tossing some frou-frou letters onto the back, then you never got a C+ in remedial high school French, for four years in a row.

Fun Fact:
As a child, Antoine was the inspiration for Brainy Smurf, Baker Smurf, and Smurfette. (All other Smurfs were, as is generally known, based on Richard Nixon.)

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