Monday, August 24, 2009

Meet The November Nine 005: Steven Begleiter

OK, it's safe for me to post about the real story of the November Nine again. I finally found a WiFi connection in this submarine. I'm not sure where it is right now, or how deep, but I did just see a marine dinosaur the size of the Sears Tower swim by my porthole. I'm pretty sure it only eats plankton, but down here in the Mariana Trench, the plankton are the size of german shepherds.

Oh great. I've given away my location. Now I'll need to find a blimp that flies above any known radar.


Name: Steven Begleiter

Age: 8

Occupation: Elementary Student

Nickname: Skeeter

Poker Style: Passive. He wets his pants when he has a boat or better. Dead giveaway, and a bummer of a tell.

Alignment: Chaotic Evil, like all children.

Card Capper: The piece of gum he's chewing.

Favorite Country Song: Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears, by Peter Drake

Brief Bio: This kid goes to my kids' school, two grades up. You won't hear about it from the mainstream media sources, but Li'l Stevie Begleiter is causing no small amount of consternation at Harrah's because of his age. It's not that he's a few months too young to be allowed to enter the Main Event -- it's that he's over a decade too young. He's eight. He's a third grader. He's practically a baby.

So yeah, a lot of people are sweating right now, from the cashiers at the cage to the tournament director himself, who stands to lose his job if Steven (who has chips) wins this thing. There are uncomfortable questions being asked, like "where are your brains?" and "what's the matter, don't you have any brains?" and "why is your head full of a non-brain like substance where your brains should be, Mr. Hasn't-Got-Any-Brains?"

The answer is simple. Steven may be (and in fact is) eight, but he's got that Robin Williams disease. No, not the one where he appears in funny movies but then starts to get really played out, until he annoys you so much with his "gay guy" voice and his "funky jive-talkin' black dude" voice and his . . . well, those are actually his only voices . . . that you would like to saw off his legs with razor wire every time he makes another disposable, pointless mawkish . . . where was I? Oh right. It's the other disease. The "Jack" disease. You remember the one, where the kid is only in grade school but he looks like Robin Williams.

That's Li'l Stevie. He's as hairy as an orangutan, and he has to shave twice daily if he wants to avoid having a beard. Since he's a little boy unworried about impressing girls, he in no way wants to avoid having an awesome mountain man beard, which is usually crusted over with the food he eats. I mean, think about it. He's a kid. He eats like a kid. His beard is so full of Bit O Honey he looks like he's sporting chin dreads. Frankly, the tournament organizers who took his buy in (which he got by suing the producers of "Jack") thought he must be a homeless midget.

But now they are stuck, and they know it. There's been so much publicity that they have to seat him and hope that he busts out. Meanwhile, Stevie has become a kind of quasi-celebrity at his school, though as the official "stinky kid" most of his classmates still keep a pretty wide berth. On the other hand, there is a rumor that he'll use part of his winnings to buy everybody an X Box, so things may be looking up for him.

Fun Fact: Stevie likes potato chips. Hey look, some facts are more fun than others. Lay off.

Previous Entries

Darvin Moon
James Akenhead
Phil Ivey
Kevin Schaffel

1 comment:

displacedbrett said...

I really hope Steven Begleiter can find a way to win it all. He’s a great story and has been a lot of fun to watch. I had actually taken a little break from watching WSOP lately, but I tuned in again last night and I remembered how addictive it is to follow, especially since I haven’t played competitively the last couple of years.

Also I thought last night’s montage to the song 'All In' by The Grouch & Eligh with Pigeon John was fantastic…such a good combination of song and footage. You can watch this on YouTube at :