Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Meet The November Nine 002: James Akenhead

Let's continue meeting the November Nine, shall we? Again, all nine are, through some random act of fate, well-known to me. I'm just doing this as a public service. All of what you read here is completely, totally, entirely true, unless you are a lawyer. In that case, WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT BEHIND YOU?

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Name: James Akenhead

Age: 20

Occupation: French Impressionist Painter

Nickname: OMGItsClayAkenhead (friends) / Gerbil Tube (Enemies)

Poker Style: Plodding, Slow, Randomly Violent

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Card Capper: Bobblehead of Leo Tolstoy

Favorite Country Song: How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?, by Mel Tillis

Brief Bio: James is a my neighbor's kid, and they've had a rough time of it with him. If you drop out of high school, you need to have a plan. In this case, however, the problem is that James has one. He gets up every day and puts in 12 unprofitable hours as a French Impressionist painter, despite the fact that he is not: 1) a painter, 2) living in the 19th century, or 3) French.

He tried to cut off his ear earlier this year. What a scene. His poor mother was carrying on and on, trying to get him to put the knife down and forget it, and finally she just laid down in the yard and howled in frustration, kicking her arms and legs against the ground like an enormous toddler in the throes of a tantrum. Meanwhile, Jimmy was only using a butter knife. I just don't get it. He's taken to wearing that Van Gogh basket hat, and has asked me to stop wearing glasses when I look at him so that, out-of-focus, he might look a little more "impression-y." I tried to explain to him that Van Gogh was Post-impressionist, not impressionist, and Dutch to boot, but it was hopeless. He thinks Manet is something you put on your BLT. I chased him off my lawn.

He's got a lot of paint, but it's all exterior house paint. He uses sidewalks as his canvas, and the neighborhood association is really getting sick of it, to say nothing of the police, especially since, rather than being influenced by the masters, sitting in quiet reflection until one is ready to capture only one's perception of the world around you, Jimmy blasts Kid Rock on his car stereo and paints dirty words and crude depictions of cruder acts. He uses his dog's tail as a brush.

My property value is down 47%. I don't like to think about it.

What else can I tell you? He really likes felt. He'll stroke a piece of felt for hours until it calms him down.

Fun Fact: James got the buy-in by mowing lawns. Also by selling a lot of pot. Actually I think he only mowed about three lawns.

3 comments:

Champ said...

Fucking hilarious.

Astin said...

I hate you.

tldr.

So not funny.

Signed, the 2+2 forums.

Sean Gentry said...

That bit about the glasses was pure genius. Also, the final line about "only three lawns."

FTW