Tuesday, July 14, 2009


This is going to be an astonishing admission of geekiness - and this from somebody who has a poker blog - but that's just how it is going to have to be. It's too good to pass up.

I am an amateur photo craptioner.

That's right. You heard right. An amateur photo craptioner.

"But what is that, Julius_Goat?" you ask. "And how does one pronounce that silly little underscore that is in your name for no reason?"

"Shut up, you." I growl, but you are undeterred.

"I mean, you do have an operating system better than Windows 95, right? You do know that you can just type a space if you need a space, right?"

You're about to ask more, but that's when you see that I have an axe and an unstable glint in my eye.

A craptioner is somebody who goes to Cracked.com and suggests humorous and/or clever captions to some odd picture that is posted there every afternoon. Then, Digg-style, other submitters and readers vote on their favorite captions. Only the strong survive. Top vote-getter is totally Internet famous with their ID avatar and winning caption on the Cracked home page.

Rules are: You can't vote for yourself. Offensive posts will be taken down unless they are funny. Complaining about the quiz will be taken down unless it is funny.

I do this. Yes, my family is proud.

I like doing this because it seems to me to approximate what I've read about being in the writer's room of The Simpsons (and probably other shows), where you're given a situation and basically have to compete to get the best joke out there. You have about 30 seconds, and the only judge is the laughter of the other people who are trying to beat you. Very neat.

This is very similar, except that you have about 5 minutes before there are so many captions that you're buried and you may as well not bother. So, time-cost is low, and it's a fun little diversion.

It's a "craption" because then you have the word "crap" in it! Crap is funny! You see what they did there?

So every afternoon I take a break and spend 5 minutes or so with the new picture, typing whatever dumb thing comes to mind. Then I do a quick search on the word "Goat" to make sure my entries take (they don't always). Then I click refresh for another couple minutes, see how I'm doing, and then return around quitting time to see if any of the monkey poo I flung at the wall sticks.

I've done OK. I usually have one or two that get decent traction, and I've won a few times.

Now. Go back and look at the picture I posted. That was the photo for captioning that posted today. I posted a few, then did my search, and the first thing that came up was:

"Julius_Goat will be too busy masterbating [sic] furiously to this image to post his usual lame captions."

The next one was:

"This is a box of the heads that actually think Julius_Goat is funny."

About five minutes later, the "masterbating" one was winning - WINNING - by a large margin. The other one was in third place.

That's right, my friends. I have caption haters.

I'll repeat. I have caption haters. There are people out there that I have put on such caption tilt that they are now venting their caption hate for caption me on the caption site. I am Caption America! I am Caption Courageous! I am Caption CAAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAN!!!

This is the best thing ever (though I am unnerved - how did they know that I was masturbating to that image? HOW? HOW?? HOW DID THEY KNOW???). I did the only possible thing I could do. I voted for them.

Sadly, they are down, now. I guess the admin decided they broke the "don't complain about the quiz" rule (or perhaps the "don't misspell the word "masturbate" or its derivatives" rule) and deleted them. But fear not, we have a happy ending. I just went on this morning and (I'll admit) did another search on "Goat" just to see if there was any more.

I found this:

Now excuse me, I gotta go vote for it.


1Queens Up1 said...

Pretty funny that the Unabomber is commenting on your pics from prison....or was he executed? Then maybe from Purgatory, you know, where Lost is.

Astin said...

I noticed that Julius_Goat went from "craption" to "caption" in this post. The guy can't even stay consistent on his BLOG! That's what masterbaiting does to your brain if you don't do it often enough. Gawd, I hate that guy. Don't tell him though, okay?

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Don't quote me but I am pretty sure that "LazyTheKid" is really just MeCrushBloggers' account on cracked.com.

Word verification for this comment: ICrushBloggersrulez

jjok said...

whats a craption?