Thursday, June 4, 2009


OK, the TOC is up this Sunday, and while I'll be hanging at a Phish show in New Jersey at the time (check the Coventry Blog for updates, Phishheads), a lot of other people will be gnashing their teeth because they just got busted out of a chance to make the Main Event, or at the very least run away with ten large of Howard Lederer's money.

Thus, here is a post about each player's odds to win. This is the fashionable thing to do and, let's face it, I am so fashionable that I sleep in an Armani tux. Also, it makes an easy blog post, and maybe gets people talking. So please, keep in mind, this is simply one man's opinion about your poker play and your abilities as a parent, as well as your personal hygiene. It's not personal, and it certainly isn't meant to reflect on whether or not you are a good or bad human, so please just relax and have fun with it.

Here we go, in order from best human being to worst.

* * * * *

As we have discovered, Jordan makes his own luck out of macrame and beads and molasses. He's also crushed every single one of you like a tap dancer in a roach motel. He has already eliminated like seven people from the event and it hasn't even started yet, so face it, you're toast. Jordan is going to win, then go to Vegas and punch Hellmuth in the eye and spit in his hair. Odds: 3-1.

As everybody knows, jjok is actually just a houseplant that got a little bit too big for its britches one day, gained sentience, started a blog, won a tournament, and then faded right back into its vegetable slumber. Like Flowers For Algernon, but for plants. Sad. Anyway, this is one aspidistra that isn't even logging in. Forget it. Odds: One bag of Ruffles Cool Ranch to one fun-size Pizza Cracker Combos.

Oscar The Grouch. This is an aggresive guy but face it, unlucky and really, really bad. He plays only trash and smells like Rosie O'Donnell's ankles. Odds: 9 to 5.

Joe Pesci. You are going to f_____g suck out on him, and he will find you and shoot you in the f_____g head right in front of your r___ang___tle family, you f____qst piece of ____orntle. Odds: F**** You.

Oprah Winfrey. YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat! YOU get a TOC seat. Odds: Tom Cruise Electrocution to one.

Miami Don. This is Hoyazo's imaginary friend. He is going to win both seats. Odds: Forever across every dimension.

Tyrannasaurus Rex. No chance at all. Tiny little arms. Odds. 7,000,000,000 to one.

Hoyazo. He would normally be very high, up on this list but I just received word that he has broken his clicking finger. Odds: None to one to seven.

Astin. Is not in the TOC. He and I will be weeping at the same time, but in different countries, and with different eyes. Odds: Duck's breast braised in orange sauce and served with carmelized truffles and artichoke heart marmalade, to one.

Fabio. Say what you will about the man, but let's face it, he has a great head of hair. You could catch a seagull in that mane. Odds: Can't Believe It's Not Butter to one.

Snoop Dogg. Snoop will be doing his bizzle to winizzle all the chizzle, my bizzle f'rizzle, you izzle? Please helpizzle I cizzle stopizzle thizzle fizzle. Izzle. Ha! Ha! Ha!. See, it's funny because Snoop says "izzle" a lot! Odds: 187 - 1 on an Undercover Cop.

Immanuel Kant. Regarded as one of the most influential thinkers of modern Europe and of the late Enlightenment. Kant created a new widespread perspective in philosophy which influenced philosophy through to the 21st Century. He also published important works of epistemology, as well as works relevant to religion, law, and history. One of his most prominent works is the Critique of Pure Reason, an investigation into the limitations and structure of reason itself. It encompasses an attack on traditional metaphysics and epistemology, and highlights Kant's own contribution to these areas. He also way overvalues low pairs, and just loses it when you suck out on him. Total tilt monkey. Odds: I think, Therefore I Am to one.

Al Can't Hang: The prohibitive favorite. Karma, baby. Odds: Even.

Frank Gehry - He'll be too busy crumpling up his hole cards and sketching them to play a really solid game of poker. Man, that's annoying. Odds: 10-1.

Daniel LaRussa: The Karate Kid will be a tough competitor, probably the best around. No-one's ever gonna keep him down. He's a little too gimmicky and tends to overthink. Very susceptible to sweeping the leg. However, he caught the fly in his chopsticks on the first try, putting Miyagi on mega-tilt. Odds: You Beginner Luck to one.

And that's everybody, I'm pretty sure. I just want to say that I personally have had a great time with the BBT, and though I'm sad that this is the last one, I have nothing but gladness when I consider this great series. Everybody who played is a competitor, and, in a very real sense, we're all winners.

But, in a much more real sense than that previous sense, the winners are the winners, and the rest of us are the losers. Haw, haw! Losers!

Good luck out there, all of you!


1Queens Up1 said...

You know what else was extremely annoying about playing against Daniel? Everytime Daniel-san gets involved in a hand someone comes up behind him with a boombox and plays Joe Esposito's "You're The Best".

Astin said...

While I appreciate the odds you laid for me, I've triple-braised the math and come to the conclusion that you're off a bit.

It should be CANDIED truffles, not carmalized. You forgot to carry the rind.

Now, back to weeping.

HighOnPoker said...

HAHAHA! Another great one, Goat.

BWoP said...

Can we just have Goat do running commentary in the chat box during the TOC?

Would be waaaaaaaay more entertaining than the table action, methinks.

jjok said...

houseplant wins. BLOW