Monday, May 25, 2009

Uber 001: Quality Is Not Guaranteed

~ Ralph Wiggum on Poker

The pursuit of bracelets is an obsession of mine, and a past-time of theirs

~ Oscar Wilde on Poker Bracelets

Well, it looks like our favorite little dwarf is just not going to get around to drinking a lot of Guinness and giving us the long-promised uber, so here we go. Video killed the radio star, and Twitter killed the Blogfather. Oh the humanity. I'm your substitute teacher while Iggy is out, class. Just call me Squiggy. Don't put tacks on my chair.

Caveat to all: This is not your father's uber post. Quality is not guaranteed. Poker donk at work, please adjust your speed and your expectations accordingly. Also: I'm not terribly interested in poker right now, so you can bet your sweet bippy content will be less that 50% about a game played with two cards down. So it goes.

Time to quaff a Honey Brown and a handful of multi-vitamins and go to work.

The BBT4 is about to wrap up. Hard to believe but we're looking at even more Main Event Packages, ripe for the taking.

Step 1: Go over to Al Can't Hang and give him a big huge "Thank You" for yet another series of freerolls to major prizes. The guy has been hooking us up, and he knows how to use a crutch, to boot. Go give some love back.

Step 2: ????

Step 3: Profit.

Step 4: Play any/all of the following events.

Tournament: Brit Blogger Game
When: Sunday's at 16:00ET
Game: NLHE
Buyin: $5+.50
Password: donkament

Tournament: PPI / Riverchasers
When: Monday's at 22:00ET
Game: Deepstack NLHE
Buyin: $24+2 or token
Password: riverchasers

Tournament: Blogger Skillz Game
When: Tuesday's at 21:30ET
Game: Limit Hold'em (with Knockouts)
Buyin: $10+1
Password: skillz

Tournament: The Mookie
When: Wednesday's at 22:00ET
Game: Deepstack NLHE
Buyin: $10+1
Password: vegas1

Tournament: Brit Blogger Game
When: Sunday's at 16:00ET
Game: NLHE
Buyin: $5+.50
Password: donkament

Tournament: Blogger Big Game
When: Sunday, May 31st at 21:30ET
Game: Superstack NLHE
Buyin: $69+6 (or token)
Password: donkey

This isn't rocket science, kids. You aren't going to find a smaller pool and a cheaper price for a shot at Moneymaker glory. Anybody can play, it's open swim at the public pool. Try to collect spare change off the bottom and don't try not to think too hard about the warm pockets you encounter.

Also, you might encounter me. Free chips this time around, for real.


Disturbing or awesome, or both? Here's the two-legged dog.


Here's a cartoon about me and the 4000 MTT I have played:


What else can I give you to destroy your post-Memorial Day productivity?

Uncyclopedia is a "content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit." Pure dada madness. Props to l.e.s.t.e.r. for showing me the way.

The entry on poker is the most fun you can have outside of Stupid/System and I'm very jealous I didn't write it, unless I did, in which case I am very proud and also have amnesia. Excerpts:

Poker is a very popular rigged card game in which players, sometimes referred to as poker players, put their money into a central pot called the toilet and make kebabs with each other. The money is awarded to the person whose cards are the least statistically disappointing. Poker is also very popular with the gay community, but playing a variation of poker called San Francisco Hold-Him.

The rules of the game are relatively simple regardless of the variation one chooses to play. Common games are five-card draw, seven-card stud, Russian poker (a gun is used in place of cards), Alaska give 'em, and Texas hold 'em.

Poker can also refer to video poker, a single-player game seen in casinos much like a slot machine, or to audio poker, which is played verbally with mandatory blindfolds; games of which can last some weeks. Uncyclopedia also plays part in this article as their funding came from a mysterious source in Las Vegas.

The rules of the game are relatively simple regardless of the variation one chooses to play. Common games are five-card draw, seven-card stud, Russian poker (a gun is used in place of cards), Alaska give 'em, and Texas hold 'em.



Basic rules

The rules of poker are fairly simple (although still complicated enough to confuse even those who actually know how to play).

The dealer first takes a full 52-card deck and rearranges the cards in his favour (this is called shuffling). Blind players must sit to the left of the dealer. After that is completed, a certain number of cards are dealt to each player. Depending on the game, each player may receive between zero and several cards. The players then take their cards and make a hand.

At this point most players will make an obvious indication that the hand is satisfactory, or will attempt to cheat. If a player is caught cheating he is hanged. Yes, he, women are not allowed to play poker.

Each respective player then attempts to fool the other players into thinking that his randomfold their cards in half and burn them, else they enter into a battle of wits with the very mathematics that allows the game to exist. If the player loses (and he usually does), he is then declared financially ruined. The player who manages to avoid the cruel backhand of statistical math gains the money from the toilet, although it is usually a temporary gain as the money will almost certainly be lost in a future game. set of cards is worth something when in fact it is not [also known as bullshitting or shitting bulls]. After the players decide whether or not they have been sufficiently tricked, they either

In the Wild West, the winner is the player with the biggest hat, and the dealing of cards is just foreplay.

Common hands

A poker hand showing a royal flush, the most valuable hand in the game

Indeed, one can win 2 or more royal flushes. These are typically called 2000 Flushes.

A hand is an arbitrary combination of cards, some of which are considered better than others. If a player somehow manages to defy logic and draws one of these hands, he may win the round (if it can really be referred to as "winning").

  • Brunson: Ten Twos aka T2s. Only wins in a showdown as it will always lose if your opponent(s) fold. Example: 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣

  • Royal flush: All five cards are the same card. This is the highest-valued hand because of the astronomical odds of actually drawing this hand (especially with just one deck). Example: Q♦ Q♦ Q♦ Q♦ Q♦

  • Straight flush: All five cards are of same suit, although not all of the same sex. Example:K♦ Q♦ J♦ Q♦ K♦

  • Gay flush: All five cards are of same suit, and same sex. Example: K♦ J♦ K♦ J♦ K♦

  • 7-Card Stud: Hand contains exactly 7 cards (due to dealer fault/bribery). Example: Jok 8♠ 9♠ K♦ A♣ 10♣ 3♥

  • EXTRA flush: Contains at least two cards of the same suit. Example: J♦ 5♥ 3♣ 6♣ A♠

  • Impossible card: Hand contains one or more impossible cards. Example: 5♠ 10♣ 12♪ X♥ A♦

  • Royal Twister: All cards are of different value and color. Example: K♣ 3♥ 1♠ Π♦ 8♦

  • Four of a kind: Four of the cards are the same suit. Example: 8♣ 4♣ 9♥ 3♣ 6♣

  • Value combo gold: Cards are exactly as follows: 3♣ 8● J♠ A♠ K♥

  • Value combo silver: Cards are exactly as follows: 2♠ 3♣ J♦ 7♣ A♦

  • Value combo bronze: Cards are exactly as follows: K♣ 8♦ 10♦ 94♣ BATMAN♦

  • H4x0r5 house: Hand that contains 1337: 1♠ 3♣ 3♦ 7♠ A♥

  • Smith: When you have a four and a random high card. This one is only eligible when you live in the town of Hilversum and are 2metres tall. This hand wins from any other hands. Example: 4♣ J♥ K♣ A♠

  • flush H4x0r5: Hand that contains 1337 of the same suit: 1♠ 3♠ 3♠ 7♠ A♠

  • Check: Cards form a valid Chess move. Example: ♘♦ A♥ 3♣ A♣ 5♦

  • Oscar's potty: Hand that can spell out any 5 letter word when squinting. Example: 8♦ 0♥ 0♦ 8♣ 5♥

  • Fibonacci house: Cards follow a fibonacci sequence, regardless of suit. Example: 1♠ 2♣ 3♥ 5♣ 8♦

  • Straight: All cards show numbers or letters constructed purely from straight lines. Example: 1♥ 4♠ 7♦ K♥ 11♠
  • Equation: Cards form a valid equation. Example: 2♥ =8♦ -♠ 6♣

  • Motorhead: Cards are exactly as follows: A♠ A♠

  • The Portfolio: Your cards are the stock ticker symbols of Fortune 500 companies or large-cap mutual funds.

A'zample: K♠ GE☼ F♦ AAPL● FCNTX♥

  • Credit Cards: Obtaining one or more credit cards in a hand (debit cards are acceptable). Example 2♠ 9♣ VISA 4♠ 10♥
  • AC/DC logo AC/DC Combo: Cards are exactly as follows: A♠ C♠ / D♠ C♠
  • Devil's Hand: 3 of a kind spade sixes. Example: 6♠ 6♠ 6♠

  • Pi Hand: when you have the pi number. Example: 3♠ 1♠ 4♠ 1♠ 5♠ 9♠

  • Klansman Hand: You have KKK. The klansmen will come with their spades and ropes, poke you and hang you. Example: K♠ K♠ K♠

  • Other: All other hands are considered worthless. Example: A♠ K♠ Q♠ J♠ 10♠

  • Crazy house: When you get cards that don't exist Example: sdfopihfosihdfoihsdfn♠ 123455261723♠ HMRFRA (her majesty's royal flying rat's ass)♠ Peter Griffin♠ Barney the Dinosaur

Penthouse: When you get cards that have celebrity names. Example: Barney the DinosaurBarney the DinosaurBarney the DinosaurBarney the DinosaurBarney the DinosaurBarney the DinosaurBarney the Dinosaur

Poker Terminology

Wilde Cards - 'Wilde cards' were those most used in the early days of poker; however they were outlawed due to their persistent reckless behavior. Players tired of being thrown from their chairs and in time, thanks to dedicated breeding, domesticated 'tame cards' became the norm.

Jacking Off At The River - a practice severely frowned upon by most players, involving repeated fast play of one's hand. Known in the UK as the 'One King' strategy.

The Fosbury - A kind of 'flop' invented during the 1960s, when the introduction of extra thick baize on poker tables permitted this without fear of injury to the player. This enabled Dick Fosbury to attain the highest recorded poker hand at the time, measuring 2.24 meters / 7 feet 4.25 inches.

Floppy Nuts - when a player goes all in on 2♣/7♥, and the flop is J♠/Q♠/K♠, he is said to have drawn floppy nuts. This is not to be confused with the Nutty Flop, which is a flop consisting of seventeen 2

cry me a RIVER - this is when the poker game is abandoned due to unforseen circumstances ie flooding or natural disasters such as the releasing of an unbearable gas from an opponants arse or the general arrival of chuck norris



Poker was invented around 1800 by Braggy McJebus, sixth President of the United States. Originally the deck consisted of 48 cards, with an additional 52 Jokers, all of which were wild. Split pots were not uncommon. Back in the old days, they didn't have things to gamble on like those newfangled horses or hats with feathers, so they had to gamble on less frivolous things such as PSP's, PS3's, and Pamela Anderson clones.

Origins of the ace

Once the wild cards were reduced, 'to generally less than 17 per deck' ("Hoyle On Poker: A Dead White Guy Teaches You How To Think Like One" London, 1865, pp134), people started winning (and losing!) at Poker. The non-wild cards in the deck ran only Deuce to King, as it was generally held that Ones were a bit pointless, since no-one could think of a cool-sounding nickname for them like 'treys'. But in 1877, a tense game of Poker in the 'Wild West', a bar two miles north of Schenectady, NY, ended in uproar when James Jessey, a keen player, took umbrage at one too many 'bad beats' and, on seeing at the showdown that his opponent's 4 kings could not be beaten, simply took four blank pieces of paper and placed a letter 'A' on each one. 'This is a higher card', he said, producing his six-shooter to quell all arguments. The 'ace' quickly became popular, and was incorporated into the deck. The practice of inventing new ranks of card mid-game died out in the 1890's, during the Great Paper Famine.


Often inferior players would, when faced with a tough raise, ask their opponent to give them 'a clue' as to the cards they held. If the other player agreed, the requesting player (the 'divot') would turn one of their own cards face-up on the table. This, combined with an overenthusiastic dealer, led to the invention of 7-Stud in 1884. Further variations like Texas hold' em, Alabama chew 'em and electric boogaloo high-low split (now, alas, played almost nowhere) soon followed.

The most popular form of Poker in the world today is Mississippi Sip'em (or 'Mahjong'), which has only one rule which can be expressed linguistically (and this is it).

Furthermor the variation of gimpetus verticalis where players will be forced to sit on the ceeling and attempt to throw their best cards into eachothers eyes before the blood rushes to their brain ultimately ending in their inevitaable death, mostly played by sucidals and gimps!


Most Humans will bet small children, unborn fetuses, mother-in-laws, vital organs, another human's vital organs, and animal remains. Often the bets are decided before the game is started. Bets can include anything of value from toilet paper to solid gold breasts. Many young women decided to put their dignity as well as their virginity on the poker court. This is popular amongst Las Vegas whores and extremely drunk women. Sometimes men try to place their dignity on the table but that usually ends in their death.


By the mid 1800s, poker was very popular and, for a brief period, Friday was renamed Pokernight and men were relieved of all prior family commitments in order to participate in the game. However, as more and more people began to realize the truly evil nature of the game, a public outcry from concerned citizens resulted in the United States government passing the Devil's Card Game Act of 1844.

The act prevented the game from being played anywhere within the country, and also disallowed poker chips from being manufactured or sold. While the act was backed by many citizens, it was despised by others -- poker players mainly. Desperate players turned to bootlegging; that is, the manufacture of illegal poker paraphernalia for unlawful poker games. The illegal games were often set up in the backrooms of bars and pet stores, where men would congregate for hours at a time. The government stopped paying attention after awhile and the prohibition law was de facto repealed, although technically it is still punishable by up to 14 years in prison.

Present day

Today, poker remains illegal, though like murder, people do it anyway. It is most commonly played in the home or outside of the home. While early generations were well aware of the true nature of poker, the last few generations seems to remain oblivious to the evil intentions of the game. It continues to destroy lives on a daily basis.

Famous Players

The most famous player in poker history was Inflatable Bill [Explanation unavailable due to uncontrollable circumstances involving Interpol].

Mr. T was famous poker player. He play to get mo' gold on neck.

Optimus Prime won his role in Transformers by betting against the Honda Robot back in 1976. He later bet the role in a game against Satan on the Spanish Train. Satan was later caught cheating by the almighty God. He promptly returned the role to Optimus.

Michael Jackson once won a small human boy in a game of poker against Bill Gates and Edgar Allen Poe.

Oz Pearlman is also known for inventing the infamous poker strategy of wearing black sunglasses. The general idea behind it was that other players would not notice when he fell asleep and would themselves become tired waiting for him to end his turn. This would however, often backfire once someone realized that he had actually fallen asleep, and then proceed to draw on his face with permanent markers. Today, this strategy is still used to make it harder for others to read one's facial expressions. Considering that sunglasses only cover a small portion of the face, it is easy to understand why this strategy is amazingly uneffective. Additionally, the sunglasses make you look like a jackass (perhaps the only positive aspect).

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Zhuge Liang was undoubtedly an enormously famous and successful poker player due to his extraordinary intelligence. He was able to predict absolutely everything and hence always wins, especially when he's playing against Cao Cao and Sima Yi. It's very unfortunate that he died on the Wuzhang Table during one of his matches because he refused to take breaks and kept on working on his plans for his hand.

Psychics are all excellent at poker, but many did not play because their predictions has told them that they were going to lose.

Doyle Brunson and Chris Ferguson also merit a shared line between them.

Chipolucho/Chipolino - some Mexican. Loves donkeys.

Oh Lordy. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go spend the rest of my life reading and writing for Uncyclopedia. I've found my calling.



Some quick blogger shout-outs:

Falstaff is killing it with a modern-day Adam and Eve parable. Check it.

Shamus and others will be bringing us WSOP news and views from PokerNews.

Drizz is covering Sunday Millions for PokerStars.

Al is covering the WSOP over at Poker From the Rail.

And, of course, Pauly will be giving us urinal updates over at Tao.

WSOP is here again. Seems like only yesterday I was writing nonsense about the November Nine, all of whom I know personally. What are the odds I will know the upcoming November Nine? Better than you think.



A lot of parents are rightly concerned about this new "sexting" trend among teenagers. Happily, the internet is here to provide parents with a helpful guide to various "code" that the "teens" are using these "days" for "the sex."

Here you go. Click to make big-like.


That is all.

Seriously, Iggy, it would probably be better if you left Twitter and came back to us. This post was like when the Superfriends were off on a mission and it was up to the Wonder Twins and the blue monkey to save the day.


Dr. Pauly said...

Nice work.

Astin said...

My god... I put your odds at knowing the November 9 at 132.53% How much more likely can it be? Oh, and in case I wasn't clear, that was 132.53% KELVIN.

TripJax said...

I started reading this on May 25th and I just got done. Well done my friend.