Sunday, April 5, 2009

Liveblogging the BBmT 002



11:52: Please welcome, for the first time, your Miss BBmT, Buddy Dank. Buddy got TT against Pirate Lawyer's hammer bluff.

It's over, y'all. Thank you all for playing!

11:49: PL doubles twice to get back to a playable stack and is now "only" outchipped 5:1. Nice job on old boy for grinding back.

11:47: HA-YUGE Hand as Buddy gets it all in with the flopped straight against PL's lower pair, flush draw and gutty for the chop. PL does not improve and is CRIPPLED! THE RUSSIAN IS CUT! THE RUSSIAN IS CUT!

11:43: PL drops the hammer like a champ. He's managed to chip up to approx. 3:1 chip lead again. We all are envious, of course.

Hoy just got into a race with Buddy! Ace ten vs. presto, and presto is gold. Hoy's crippled and out in the next round.

11:23: Buddy Dank has doubled up through PL again. AQ vs. Ace medium. And the three chips stacks are even.

11:15: Not a lot happening here. Still 3 handed.

11:00: We're in the money. Pirate Lawyer got cmitch to get all his money in against PL's A7 while holding only A9. When the seven hits the river, cmitch is torn apart, still living, by large birds.

GG cmitch.

Here's our money winners:

PirateLawyer: 38,200
hoyazo: 13,920
Buddy Dank: 11,680


10:55: LJ uses the power of KQ but it is no match for PL's AT magic, and LJ is dead, giving Pirate Lawyer 700 XP. And we are on the money bubble. GL GL GL all.

10:36: Hoy uses his Jedi mind powers to cause Pirate Lawyer to fold. And cmitch kills Shabazz Jenkins with a sharpened 33. Execution style.

Shabazz Jenkins is survived by his wife, Shabazz Wilkins, and his two sons, Shabazz Cleveland and Shabazz Filmore.

10:32: Pirate Lawyer continues his reign of terror as he KOs dueyv9 with Aces. Poor dueyv, we hardly knew ye. We'll bury you at sea, laddie boy.

10:21: Bounty is the quicker picker upper, as Hoy's AK knocks twoblackaces out in 9th.

AND PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH. PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH. PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH. PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH. PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH. PIRATE LAWYER'S QQ CRACKS JO'S ACES WITH THE FOUR FLUSH.

Sweet poop.

10:10: Near death experience. Hoy's 88 gets all in against Dueyv9's TT. Hoy stays alive like Travolta with the obliging eight on the river.

Hoy then doubles up with A7 vs. LJ's T3 before I can hit Publish. New life for Hoy. Fresh.

10:05: Here are our chip counts.

Pirate Lawyer: 20,265
Pvanharibo: 10,560
Shabazz Jenkins: 6,780
Buddy Dank: 6,640
cmitch: 5,965
Joanne1111: 5,920
dueyv9 4,470
twoblackaces: 3,210
hoyazo: 2,000

10:00: At the break and I'm busted by Pirate Lawyer, who raised my blind while I was holding sevens in the pocket. I pushed knowing he'd call, and he did with his A9. I lost the flip to both an Ace AND the four flush on the river, each of which would be enough to kill me. I was cut in quarters and roasted to feed the clan.

AND LJ just busted Heffmike when her A8 spiked the ace on the river to best his tens.

We have a final table! And PirateLawyer is on fire, mainly because I just set him on fire.



9:51: Aaaand Jec is out, falling on a 99x flop to Pirate Lawyer's 95 UTG raise. Jec had Aces and couldn't get away. Thanks for playing, jec. Your body will be cryogenically frozen and sliced into 170 thin pieces, studied for the betterment of mankind.

9:45: BAYNE BUSTED! Bayne pushed the Mook hand into jec's blinds, and jec woke up with AK. Unbelievably, AK won. GG to Bayne, whose lifeless corpse will now be devoured by dingos.

9:41: Bayne just got crippled when Pirate Lawyer's two pair caught a 4 outer to beat the Baynester's set of fours. Brutal.

9:36: I continue to spew chips to jeciimd who plays back at me when I've missed the board. Note to self: Stop sucking.

9:29: Buddy Dank just frushed me with crubs. His flush card was also my straight card.

9:23: Liveblog + radio makes Goat forget he is playing poker. Sorry for all the waits.

9:14: Bayne and Jec got it all-in on KJx flop. Both had KJ. That was almost exciting.

9:07: Cards are in the air. We've got a full table SNG. Good fun.

Oh wait, here comes a party of four to spoil the symmetry!

BuddyDank is a bean-counter for a big firm in the city. You think I'm going to make this about literally counting beans, but no, sadly it isn't that interesting. He is an accountant. A boring accountant. A boring accountant for HULK HOGAN!!! He's drinking milk.

heffmike is a barbarian. He weilds a two-handed axe and a bitchin' beard. He is drinking a tankard of ale, brought to him by a fetching wench.

Joanne1111 hand-knits moist towelettes. She is drinking tequila Jello shots.

Shabazz Jenkins built this city. He built this city on . . . huh, on bluegrass. I did not see that one coming. He's drinking pancake batter.


8:50: Here's a little bit about the people who are playing this tournament. We'll focus on their occupations this time, I think, as well as their chosen beverage. As always, these bios are 100% true.

bayne_s is a calculator stress-tester from Manitoba. While at work, he sits on over 700 calculators every hour. Chances are good he sat on your calculator. This wouldn't disturb you until I told you that he doesn't wear pants at the job, but now that you know, what are you going to do about it? Can't put the genie back in the bottle. Tonight, bayne_s is drinking Mickey's malt liquor out of wide-mouth bottles.

cmitch is a volcano virgin, which means that he wears sheer caftans and jumps into volcanoes to appease the Gods. The Gods, being omnipotent, know that cmitch is no virgin, but they love to watch him sweat. For his part, cmitch enjoys the free meal beforehand, but hates all the skin grafts. Tonight, cmitch is drinking Mad Dog 20/20, Passion Fruit.

dueyv9 is an unemployed dog walker. Don't even talk to him about it. He was the top dog walker in the greater San Jose region for over twenty years, but then he made the mistake of having his picture taken with Michael Vick. You never know which celebrity endorsement will just destroy you. Tonight, dueyv9 is drinking his own tears.

hoyazo is a lawyer. He's drinking the blood of the innocent.

Julius_Goat pickles things for money. He once pickled an entire traveling circus, including the dancing bears and the trapeze. The thinking of the ringmaster, a Czech impressario with halitosis and a closed-head injury, was that they were so great, their greatness needed to be preserved. Julius_Goat didn't argue. Julius_Goat needed the money to pay for his Hummel figurines. Tonight, Julius_Goat is drinking a prison toilet wine known as "pruno."

jeciimd is a scientist, but he does no science. Instead, he gets government grants all day long and then sells them to less successful scientists on eBay. Sometimes his grants get purchased by non-scientists who just don't know any better, like Rod Blagoyovitch, who purchased a $40 million dollar grant to study ear fungus in Appalchian fruit bats. He thought he was doing research on his family tree. Boo him. Tonight, jeciimd is drinking Orville Redenbocker's popcorn butter Schnapps.

PirateLawyer is employed in the world of professional poker. He's part of a pit crew responsible for affixing the patches of online poker sites to, and stripping them from, the shirts, hats, and faces of players who go deep in big tournaments. He's a handy man with a steam gun and a needle. He once shrinky-dinked the Full Tilt logo onto Scott Montgomery's forehead in seven seconds. Tonight, he is drinking a tall cool Guinness with a raw egg mixed in.

pvanharibo is a puppeteer/found art sculptor. She crafts her puppets from trash that she picks from a local landfill. She claims this makes the puppets more "real", though Condom Carl is a distraction to many parents at the public library. Tonight, she is drinking an entire box of white Zinfendel.

twoblackaces is a contractor who specializes in doghouses, though he will build a house for any animal. Porcupine houses are his favorite. In his spare time, he works for Habitat for Inhumanity, a group that constructs low-cost housing for homeless woodland creatures. It gives him a warm feeling inside. He's mental. Tonight, twoblackaces is drinking Chivas Gold.


8:26 PM: Let's get this party started right at eight twenty six with a poker donk dead money mix.

Nine runners running so far with a half hour to go. Looks like fewer runners than January's 23, but still a fine one-table SNG. Let's look at the players:

bayne_s
cmitch
dueyv9
hoyazo
Julius_Goat
katitude
Pirate Lawyer
pvanharibo
twoblackaces

Let's cook up some biographies on the Nonsensical Nine . . .

11:00 AM: Normally I wouldn't get started this early, but look at this.

Yep, defending champ TBA is offering to foot your Mookie habit all the way through April. That's a $44 value, and you don't even have to win. All you have to do is knock him out!

Now, I happen to know from first hand experience that offering a knock out bounty on yourself in a blogger tournament is just about the dumbest thing you can do. So a tip of the cap and a raise of the glass to TBA, for making a very bad bankroll management choice there.

Thanks, Fred.

Sign up soon to get your slanderous bio written.

See you at nine eastern (password: busto) with all the other dummies like myself.

3 comments:

Shrike said...

Hilarious. Takes some of the sting out of not winning!

-PL

lj said...

white zinfendel? it's like you don't even know me at all. :(

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