Friday, March 20, 2009

The New Donkey Quiz

Note: This post originally appeared in Full Tilt Poker's Poker From The Rail blog. It's reprinted in full on The_Goat_Speaks for the first time, in order to A) allow readers whose work blocks Tilt to read this very important groundbreaking work, and B) make it look like I'm posting without actually doing any work.

Anyway, go to Poker From The Rail, even though you will run into a lot of my poker writing there It's good, it's fresh, it's organic, and it is reasonably priced.

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So, I was scouring through the poker-net, and I came across a new version of that Donkey Quiz that was popular a few years back. Remember that thing? It’s a pretty good little quiz, and creates what I consider to be a fairly strong profile of your poker game. I, for example, scored in the 98th percentile for excellence the seventh time I took it.

Well, somebody has created a new one, and I have been allowed to reproduce a section of it here for your edification. Enjoy!

Situation 1:

You are at a $5 / $10 NL full ring game in 5th position with $200 in front of you. You hold AsKs. You raise it to $30 and the button calls with $80 left behind.
The flop comes JdQdTh, and you push all-in. The button calls and shows 6d2d. The flush fills on the turn and the button scoops the pot, saying, “I had to call, I had 15 outs twice.”

You say:

A. “You couldn’t possibly have considered the sixes and twos were outs, you utter nimrod! And nice call before the flop with total rags! Do you realize how bad you just played? I’m seriously considering having you euthanized. I’m pretty sure that’s legal in Vegas. And for crying out LOUD, you are NOT priced in there for a flush draw!”

B. “Calling pre with 62 is losing poker every time, chucklehead. You’re going to go broke in the long run, I promise.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Yeah.”

E. “You have scorned me. Never be alone, for once you are, I will exact a terrible revenge.”

Situation 2:

You are in a large-field MTT with a slightly above-average chip stack of 23,870. Blinds are 750/1500 and the antes are 100. On the button, you are dealt Js5d. Action folds to the cutoff, who pushes all-in for a little over 4200.
You call and he shows AcQc. You catch a Jack and he is eliminated from the tournament. On the way out he mutters, “I can’t believe I wait three hours for a decent hand and lose to this jackass who can’t fold Jack high.”

You say:

A. “Don’t you understand anything about tournament poker or pot odds? You weren’t even twice the starting pot. I’d have had to call you with deuce three, bro. Anybody who can fold any hand there shouldn’t be playing poker. Go learn about what M is and then we’ll see who the jackass is, OK?”

B. “Right. I’m like 3:1 at best against any random hand but I should have found a fold getting even odds. I totally should have put you on Aces.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Yeah, sorry. That was a terrible beat. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

E. “My pet vipers will feast on your dead eyes.”

Situation 3:

In the first five minutes of a large online guaranteed poker tournament on Full Tilt, the player to your right has gone all-in six times.

In the big blind, you find 88. When he pushes all-in, you call and he shows K3. He doesn’t improve and you double up.

He types:

“Donky. LOL call allin with eights.”

You write back.

A. “I would have called you looser than that with all that shoving. Do you realize what table image is? I’m surprised you were holding as good as a naked King. If you push in again and again and again, somebody is going to look you up you duck ^@#!#@.”

B. “Your an idiot if you think anybody here gave you credit for a hand. Think about it.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Wanted to gamboool, srry.”

E. “I am as pitiless as I am powerful. You will beg for years for a mercy that will never come.”

Situation 4:

A full ring online $1/$2 PLO cash game. You are dealt JdTd8c9c and make a pot-sized raise. Two players call and see a flop of:


You check and the first caller makes a pot-sized bet. The second caller folds, and you re-raise. Your opponent reraises all-in and you call. The turn is the 2s and the river is the 3s. You opponent shows QhQs4d3h and takes the pot.

You type:

A. “OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. You thought QUEENS were worth all the chips there? Do you realize how many outs you had to dodge? Did you CONSIDER for even a MOMENT I might have the Ace? ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT A DOG YOU WERE IN THAT HAND??? OMG. How did you win? An overpair is NOTHING in PLO, NOTHING. I had seven hundred thousand outs and you just STUMBLE into the pot like you’re FORREST $*&^@Q^@( GUMP????? Stop playing PLO. Stop right now! Just stop! Just stop! AAAAAAAEEEEEEIEEEEEEIIIII!!!!!”

B. “You’re going to be a big loser at PLO if you keep overplaying those pocket pair as if this were hold ‘em, buddy.”

C. Nothing.

D. “Wait, why did I get four cards?”

E. “Soon I will rule the universe, and you and your entire family will be my cattle, you swine.”

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OK, give yourself 4 points for every “A” answer, 3 points for every “B” answer, 2 points for every “C” answer, 1 point for every “D” answer, and 0 points for every “E” answer.

Then, add them up. Use a calculator if necessary.

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20 - 16. You have displayed your mastery of poker concepts, both basic and advanced, to the entire table, correctly informing all of your opponents of the proper move to make in all circumstances that have arisen. Most players at your table are likely improved as a result of your tutelage. You are a total donkey.

15-11. You occasionaly misplay in tough spots, but are sound in the basics of the game and have made sure that anybody worse than you know it. Also, you’ve revealed more subtle and exploitable deficiencies in your play to the stronger players at the table. You are a total donkey.

10-6. You are a tough one to read. You are either a cagey player who is happy to sow the seeds of misinformation in order to give yourself an edge, ore else you are a total donkey. Oh what the hell, You are a total donkey.

5-0. You are Skelator. Or possibly Lex Luthor.


cheer_dad said...

My co-workers are convinced I've finally gone over the edge... due to all my maniacal laughter. Thanks for bringing a bright spot to the day.

BamBam said...

WHEW !! I was almost a total donkey! But at the last second during my response to #2, I threw in :

"The Alpha... and the Omega... death and rebirth... and as you die, so will I be reborn!"

to become SKELETOR !!!!