Tuesday, January 20, 2009

LOST 023: A Refresher (Updated)

[OK, this is my little song mashup (sorry Astin) from last year, ETA Season 4 of LOST. Just a little way to catch up on the action before Wednesday BONE SHATTERING premier.]

* * * *

With apologies to Billy Joel and anybody who gets "We Didn't Start the Fire" stuck in their heads today, but I thought I'd take a moment to catch up with the action so far . . .


SEASON ONE

Oceanic had a crash,
Boone and Locke found Desmond’s hatch.
There’s a monster, hear it roar.
(We never see it anymore.)

Now let’s all check out Kate’s butt,
Hurley’s rich and fat and nuts.
Jack’s obsessed,
Jin’s a dick,
Charlie is an addict.

A couple Others infiltrated,
Sawyer’s filled with self-hatred.
Sayid
Tortures guys
Rose is old and black and wise.

Sun speaks English secretly,
Charlie gets hung from a tree.
Hey! There’s
A polar bear.
Coming out of nowhere.

Sayid takes a walk
Jin starts to learn to talk
Shannon
Lived in France
Rousseau is crazy-pants.

Locke only wants to stay
Michael wants to get away
Walt has powers
(Don’t ask how)
Boone is a goner now.

The Others also have a boat
Turns out that Michael can float
Walt gets
Pulled aboard
And disappears till Season Four

Now Jin has our sympathy,
Others' smoke makes Losties flee,
Dynamite
Blows the lid
No one cares what Kate did.

Jack makes a stupid plan!
Everyone does what they can!
Shannon tries to get a tan!

[Chorus]
We can’t get off this island,
Even though we’re trying, lots of us are dying.
We can’t get off this island,
Flashbacks keep us busy, Sayid's hair is frizzy.


SEASON TWO

Finally we’re inside the hatch
Button mashing gets old fast.
All the Tailies
Had it hard
They’re all dead now but Bernard.

Man of science, man of faith
Push the numbers just in case.
Shannon
Eats some lead.
Sayid’s pissed that she is dead.

Locke’s teaching Michael guns.
Holy crap, but that was dumb.
Hurley’s numbers
Are confusing
Crap, and Charlie’s back to using.

Rousseau captures Henry Gale
Everything that Jack tries fails.
Build an army?
Never mind.
Let’s just leave that plot behind.

More hatches than I can remember.
Reruns now until November.
Locke faith
Is getting dull.
Eko’s stick will crack his skull.

Hurley’s hording all the snacks
Hey look! Now Michael’s back.
Libby’s getting
Real intriguing.
Too bad that she’s shot and bleeding.

Michael is the Other’s tool
Good thing Sayid isn’t fooled.
Sadly Jack's
Still real ghey.
They get captured anyway.

There’s so much that we don’t know!
Why’d the key make the hatch blow?
Are the Others really foes?
Why’s that statue got four toes?

[Chorus]
We can’t get off this island,
Now the hatch exploded (or was that imploded?)
We can’t get off this island.
Guess we’re all connected, sometimes resurrected.


SEASON THREE

Desmond’s got the future sight
And that Richard Alpert guy
Doesn’t age,
Jack’s enraged
Sawyer’s in the bear cage.

Juliet is so conflicted
Ben’s movement is restricted
By his tumor
There’s a rumor
That Alex is engaged.

Kate and Sayer do the deed
Jack ensures that they are freed
In return,
He stays.
Touch football is what he plays.

Sun is pregnant, but she’s sad
Jin might not be the babydad.
Claire is a
Protective mother.
Jack is still her secret brother.

This chick in a parachute
Brings us some disturbing news
Turns out
They’re all dead.
This is all in Hurley’s head.

Locke blows up the sub real good
And Ben really thinks he should
Off his dad.
He gets mad
When Sawyer does it instead.

Jack picks up some dynamite
Wants to use it in a fight.
The Russian
Can’t be killed.
Paolo’s in a landfill.

Poor Ben has lost all control.
Leaves Locke dying in a hole.
Jacob gives
the island juice.
Now we’re getting real confused.

Jack’s plan actually succeeds!
Kate gets trembly in the knees!
But now!
Future shock!
Jack! Kate! Sawyer! Locke!

Hurley fixes up the van!
Uses it to kill a man!
Claire frowns!
Charlie drowns!
DADDY ISSUES ALL AROUND!

[Chorus]
Did we get off that island?
Who is in the coffin? We’ll be asking often.
Did we get off the island?
Wonder how we made it, do we love or hate it?


SEASON FOUR

Things are getting awful weird
Jack has got that crazy beard
We find out
that there were six
All the rest still in the mix.

Claire is sad while Ben just schemes.
The Losties divvy up in teams.
Jack and Locke
are the captains,
Gee, I wonder what will happen?

Hurley's crazy-pants again,
Sun and baby miss their Jin,
Jack's sad,
sees his dad
But not the sis he knows he had.

Choppers with four freighties land
Miles is a psychic, man.
We're intrigued by
Faraday
Then writer's strike got in the way.

Sayid's back to killing blokes
The sunken plane is all a hoax.
Michael is
undercover
Juliet was Goodwin's lover.

Desmond gets unstuck in time
Kate is cleared of all her crimes
(Wait does
that make sense?)
Fame must make a great defense.

Sayid makes it on the freighter
Keamey is a total hater
That why
He goes ashore
And begins an all-out war.

Rousseau gets shot until she's dead
Alex takes one in the head
That fills
Ben with grief
He lets smokey off its leash.

Kate takes Aaron as her son
Claims she was a pregnant one,
Reporters don't you
Question that?
Can't you do some simple math?

The freighter blows up Mike and Jin,
Hey, where have all the Others been?
Oh yeah,
There they are!
Locke is now their superstar.

Oh crap! The island's moved!
All our friends look pretty screwed.
But Penny
Saves the day,
For a Widmore, she's OK.

Sun is deadly icey calm!
Locke is totally embalmed!
Jack is filled with guilt the most!
Claire is probably a ghost!
All the rest will soon be toast!
Sawyer's abandoned on the coast!
We can't tell what is in store!
BEN IS EVENING THE SCORE!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

[Chorus]
We got off that island,
Now we have get back, before Widmore attacks.
We got off that island.
But we just aren’t done now, think we’ve just begun begun begun begun . . .

4 comments:

1Queens Up1 said...

Simply awesome man, you are a genious!

Goat lets talk,

Lets just forget about the whole script and make a show out of Miles and Desmond. It'd be the new Bosom Buddies. One is pyschic, the other is pyscho. One sees ghosts to steal money, the other has a girlfriend named Penny! So much material, the show practically writes itself!

Amanda said...

Awesome recap. Thanks! I had forgotten some of that. I am more excited now than ever to watch the premier tonight!

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Excellent work my man. I think they should make you a character on Lost.

Matt said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG less than 4 hours until premiere for me in Seattle.

And less than 3 days (hopefully) for another fine recap.

No pressure, though.