Monday, December 8, 2008

Hockey Content Within

OK, I'll take a break from TV screeds and poker content to make a sad confession:

I belong to a fantasy NHL league.

I know, I know. I'm getting help. I have excuses, too, but you don't want to hear my excuses. You want to hear . . . my hockey bad beat stories. That's right: Fantasy hockey bad beat stories. I know I have you hooked now.

Now, this isn't so much a tale of woe as it is an open request for a moral ruling. I did something, that I'm not so much proud of as I am VERY proud of.

It breaks down like this. The league is a goalie stats league, one which basically sets half of the categories to goalie stats such as saves, shutouts, win percentage, etc. All the rest of the team carries the other half of the stats. Obviously, it goes without saying that the goalie is disproportionately important in this endeavor. This means that 1) if you have a great starting goalie, you're really hard to beat, 2) if you have a terrible goalie situation, you pretty much can't win, and 3) starting goalies are pretty much impossible to pick up in a trade situation unless you are offering a TON.

I got to pick first in the draft -- whoo hoo me -- and I picked Martin Brodeur, the longtime stud between the pipes for the New Jersey Devils. The guy is a total machine.

Unfortunately, machines sometimes break. So it was with Brodeur. Out for most of the season, perhaps the whole season. Bad luck me. I don't really care at all, but my team was essentially not going to win.

In situations like this, I decide what to do based on the following criteria:

1) What would be funny?


So, with those principles firmly in mind, I decided to bench my team. My WHOLE team. Well . . . not everybody. I kept a single player, a defenseman for the Oilers named Lubamir Visnovsky. I renamed my team "Lubomir" and then started using the "talk smack" text field to write various messages from a suddenly lonely and confused Lubomir. Basically, this was my commentary on a team that was totally screwed. It was basically like a Twitter feed from a Russian who was having to take on entire fantasy squads solo. I was getting DESTROYED, and I was having fun with it. Why wallow, you know?

So today the commish locked me out of the league, with a really shirty comment about how I was ruining the league and trying to screw things up. I can't even post messages on the common board. I'm out. No soup for me.

The kicker is that the guy, in the interest of fairness, reinstated all of my starters. So now basically, instead of EVERYBODY getting a free ride on the Lubomir bus, only a few will. Smart.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I was planning on picking just one week to bring the whole squad back, just as a kind of prank. April 1 week came to mind as a good candidate. So then, maybe he'd have a case. As it stands, he just created an unfair situation in his reaction to what he claims is me creating an unfair situation.

So here's the moral dilema: What kind of animal poo should I mail to this guy? (You know, hypothetically. I don't actually condone the mailing of poo. Kind of gorss.) I mean, I don't know his name or his address, but this shouldn't be hard, right? Go ahead and weigh in in the comments. Your vote counts.

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By the way, I read in Card Player magazine about Sky Poker, who are offering a cool 600 bonus this month. You might want to check that out.

8 comments:

muhctim said...

I think Buddy dank and Joanada are thinking about starting a fantasy MarioCart league. . .well maybe I am thinking it for them. Either way, with all that extra fantasy time on your plate, hey you'd be a natural.

Julius_Goat said...

Sorry, muhctim, but I'm already pretty deep into a fantasy fantasy football leauge.

You can join next season if you want, though.

Drizztdj said...

Being hockey the obvious choice would be Moose poo.

SilverVW said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Astin said...

Beaver poo.

For further effectiveness, set it on fire before mailing.

Anonymous said...

Send him one of those long strings of goldfish poo.

1Queens Up1 said...

Some people just cannot appreciate the truly funny things in life.

Like for example, I named my team "Puck You" and I was persuaded by my commish to change my name because small children might read that. I would HATE to be the cause of a rash of "Puck Yous" in schools leading to massive dententions and eventually the crumbling of the edumacation system entirely.

So I chose "Barry Melrose's Doo" and pchose as my avatar, a man who looks nothing like Barry Melrose, instead looks like Joe Redneck with a long and beautiful mullet eating some of the yellow grass you find in Tick infested fields.

I feel this is a more appropriate vision that hockey brings to mind.

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Waffles poo.