Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Heroes 009: You Must Remember This, Eclipse Is Just Eclipse

"I hate Heroes."

Right on, Sylar. Me too.

Remember when the police DID factor in to the storyline? Remember when Parkman was a cop? Remember when he did cop things with his man-faced cop partner? Remember when he wanted to be a detective instead of (face it) a teenaged girl with cerebral palsey's stalker?

Remember when Hiro was actually on a mission to do something instead of just bumbling around the world? Remember when the powers were caused by genetics (remember Papa Suresh's book)? Remember when they'd been around before the eclipse? Remember when eclipses only lasted 5 minutes instead of seven hours? Remember when eclipses could just be predicted by almanacs instead of precogs? Remember when this show sort of seemed to take place in something resembling the real world?

Remember when Sylar was conflicted, yet consistent in his motivation for longer than seven minutes? That guy has the attention span of a border collie whose owner put Red Bull in his dish. In this season alone, he has gone from psycho killer redux, to Ma-trelli's lapdog, to Pa-Trelli's lapdog, to Elle's lapdog, back to psycho killer again. Remember when he already had Elle's powers, so he wouldn't need to steal them again this week?

(The reasoning for this Sylar-back-and-forth was alway vague, and in story terms it accomplished . . . hmmmmmm. Actually, what the hell has been accomplished in story terms? Big zero. Seriously. What's the overall arc? There's a formula that will give everybody powers and that will blow up the world. Remember that? That's the premise. If you forgot that, you are forgiven, because it hasn't really had any forward motion at all in the past six or seven episodes. We've been watching Sylar do the motivational shuffle, and listening to boring conversations about scarecrows.)

Remember when Nathan thought God healed him and was speaking in tongues? Does he still believe in God, or was it the most half-assed conversion ever? Do you think we'll find out who healed him? Do you think he misses Linderman's ghost, or even briefly wonders where Linderman's ghost went? Do you think he'll ever actually go to Washington to be confirmed as a Senator? Do you think that the other Senators are going to give him a hard time for never even showing up to work, which is perhaps understandable if you've been hired as a dishwasher in a Waffle House fifty miles outside of Topeka, but less so if you are one of only 100 citizens who is responsible from legislating from the United States Senate? Has he even been sworn in yet? Has he been impeached for no-call-no-show? What about that shady guy who appointed him, the guy with the Southern accent, who, since he had the power to appoint a Senator from New York, must be first Southern governor of New York -- what about him? Is he wondering where his new Senator and his consultant with benefits Tracy have gotten to? DO YOU SEE HOW LAZY THIS IS?

Remember when Bennett was smart enough not to hide his daughter from Sylar by taking her back to the abandoned house that is one of the few places that all three of them (Noah, Claire, Sylar) had recently all been together? Remember when he was smart enough to not get the bad guys in his sniper crosshairs, and then let them make out, have sex, cuddle, and notice his unneccessary aiming laser, before taking the shot?

Remember when Inky Sue left town? SHE LEFT TOWN DAMMIT!!!! DO NOT!!!! BRING HER!!!! BACK!!!!

Remember when a character could die on the operating table (how does cracking the chest solve systemic infection?) and another could get their throat cut, and there would be maybe a little bit of tension?

Remember when Mohinder wasn't a total idiot? OK, I made that one up.

It is official. Season three is even worse than season two, by the same factor that season two was worse than season one.

Oh, the Haitian resolved the long-standing issues with his brother. Cool. We just heard about those a week ago. Powerful moment, Heroes. Oh, Bennett is a morally conflicted psuedo government spook again. Oh, Claire hates her dad she loves her dad she hates her dad she loves her dad she hates her dad she loves her dad she hates her dad YAWN.

It's like they just reach into the Character cookie jar, and then the Motivation cookie jar, and then the Plot Point cookie jar, and that's it for each episode.

Here, I found the Heroes writers Mad Libs plot form for the next two episodes and have scanned it in. Click to make big.

Allow me to paint the future for you . . .

I really can't take much more of this. It's a really, really, really bad show. It isn't even funny anymore. I feel like I am making fun of a retarded kid now.


The Litvak said...

Brilliant post.
I forgive you for leaving out the absolutely worst part of the episode -- Peter admitting to The Haitian (in Haiti, where the nickname is ... less apt) that he came to learn how to be a hero without powers.
At this point, I'm just watching the show to see if any of the male characters aren't the Petrelli's kids.
If Jack Kirby were alive today, he would never stop throwing up.

Astin said...

You're back to assuming this is a serial show and not episodic. Stop that. Previous episodes have no bearing on later episodes (unless they have "Part I" or "Part II" in the title).

Maybe they borrowed the Family Guy manatees.

Mike Maloney said...

Astin beat me to the Family Guy manatees comment.

I don't even watch this show, and I still look forward to your weekly recaps. Hilarious stuff.

Duey said...

The show has just become a prologue to your funny posts. I only watch Heroes now so I can get a general idea of what is going on so I can laugh out loud to these posts.

Watching the last two episodes "generally" was a baaad idea however. I have no idea of any of the characters motives now, whose side they are on, who are they working for, what they are trying to accomplish. What happened to Trish? Or her son/nephew? Since when can heroes just disappear from a show? Molly? Why use a comic book made by a dead character to find someone when you can use Molly who is still alive? Who is babysitting her??!!!

Anonymous said...

Look on the bright side, it is one day closer to spring and only 49 days until LOST.

Anonymous said...

"She's going into septic shock! LET'S CRACK HER CHEST!"


We can't stop watching Heroes. It's too much fun to make fun of it together and then read your post later. Maybe we could make it into a drinking game?


Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Still never seen the show. But my favorite part of all of your recaps is definitely the thought of some dude who can apparently instantly teleport anywhere in the world, actually flying somewhere in an airplane.

Sounds like they really put some thought into this one. You're all better off watching Mission to Mars. Which sucks, mind you.

DuggleBogey said...

Your posts are deadly accurate yet I still enjoy the show.

I guess I'm better at suspending disbelief?

After all you're having problems with the reality of a show where people can travel through time/fly/melt metal.

Julius_Goat said...

Not quite right, actually, Duggles.

My problem is not with the reality of the show, which is obviously heightened.

My problem is with the internal consistency of that show within it's own stated reality.

It's the difference between complaining because Nathan flies though he is clearly not aeordynamic, and complaining because Nathan seems to be a completely different person from week to week.

Basically, this show is guilty of crimes against storytelling on almost every level.

Julius_Goat said...

That said, I am glad you still enjoy the show. By all means, continue to do so.

As for me, I only enjoy it as an example of what not to do. I think I must just enjoy rage.

Matt said...

Next time Goat, please put a "Spoiler Alert" on these posts:

"I feel like I am making fun of a retarded kid now"

You do know that next week's episode introduces a new character whose superpower is simply mild retardation, right?

Save The Retard, Save The World.

Julius_Goat said...


Hiro is an established character and requires no introduction.

Anonymous said...

So why did Sylar save Peter from falling? If he was originally planning to be a double agent, when did he change his mind?

Have they officially altered the future that Peter travelled to this season in which Sylar was a domesticated good guy?

Instead of teleporting Sylar away why didn't Hiro just freeze time and chop Sylar up into 1000 pieces and scatter them in different parts of the world? In fact, why didn't he do that in Season 1?

1Queens Up1 said...

Kill the cheerleader, end the show.

01/21/08 can not come fast enough....

1Queens Up1 said...

i meant 09, doh..

DuggleBogey said...

My problem is with the internal consistency of that show within it's own stated reality.

You're just getting deeper here. It's okay with you if they state their own reality, but you have a problem with it if they change that stated reality? You're not being consistent.

Hah, just yankin' ya.

It's all about suspension of disbelief my friend. Either you can or you can't.