Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Breaking News: TARP to Bailout Donkeys

WASHINGTON DC (Reuters) – A new bailout for online poker donks has been initiated today by Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. President Bush is expected to approve the $11 billion package by noon today.

The $11 billion will be distributed to millions of poker players who have been identified as being total fish tourist badonkadonks. It is not clear at this time which measure has been used to determine the fishy status of the players. Sharkscope is rumored to be a favored Paulson metric, but neither Treasury nor Sharkscope have made comment.

"All I will say is that top priority will be given to individuals possessing web logs, or 'blogs' dedicated to playing online poker," Paulson said in a brief press conference this morning.

Libertarian groups and fiscal conservatives rushed to decry the latest in a long string of government bailouts. "This is how we spend our TARP money?" moaned one prominant Manhattan attorney. "These players chose to chase inside straight draws and went to the felt with fifth pair, and they just get HANDED this money? Recockulous! A lot of them are Euros anyway!"

The measure has been greeted with jubilation among online pros, however. "Ever since UIGEA, it's been harder for bad players to reload," said pro Pearljammed, who estimates his ROI to be down 38% this year. "We need to keep these horrible players in the game, for the sake of everybody else. I know that it doesn't seem exactly fair, but we have to look at the bigger picture. The fact of the matter is that these players are just too bad to be allowed to fail."

The money will be shipped over the next three months via Stars and Full Tilt. There will be no oversight.

4 comments:

OhCaptain said...

Wow! I'm so excited. First I'm told that now my mortgage will be paid and my gas tank will be filled by the Fed, now this!

Praise Jeebus!

Government does work for the little guy!

Thanks for sharing this most glorious news! I'm gonna enter myself into the Bad Bankroll Management tournament right now, it's on the Fed!

Mondogarage said...

I laughed. And then I cried. And then I laughed again.

1Queens Up1 said...

Man im glad this is happening. I was getting tired of turning a profit only to lost it all back and reload another $50.

Now, I can lose it all without reloading first, thanks W!

TripJax said...

Straight up genius.