Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Heroes 008: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Dumb

This is so much easier now that I don't care anymore.

Let's recap in screeplay format, shall we?

SCENE 1

Enter MOHINDER and INKY SUE

Mohinder: I have a serum that gives powers! I'll use it on myself! Nothing will go wrong!
Inky Sue: You've got powers!
Mohinder: And a boner!
Inky Sue: You're a monster!
Mohinder: YES ARRGLY ARRGLY you are now in a cocoon!
Inky Sue: Let me go!
Mohinder: OK, but only if you leave the show forever.

Exit INKY SUE. Enter PA-TRELLI.

Pa-Trelli: My power is to never have inflection.
Mohinder: Now is the part of the season mein schprockets when I work for the bad guys in a lab coat.
Pa-Trelli: Work for me.
Mohinder: OK, I guess I'm no longer a bug? Just a guy with skin tags glued onto his neck and a man-beehive hairdo?
Pa-Trelli: Sure, whatever. Perform an experiment on this guy.
Mohinder: What? With the serum that turned me into a monster?
Pa-Trelli: Yeah.
Mohinder: That sounds like it would have very predictable and undesirable results. A very stupid idea. I'll do it!

[Mohinder DOES THIS. The guy very predictably turns into a MONSTER, albiet one with no powers.]

Mohinder: "I. Am. So. Sorry.

Guy: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!!


SCENE 2

HIRO and ANDO are in Africa. They just ARE, okay? The TOKEN BLACK GUY gets BEHEADED by PA-TRELLI

Token Black Guy: Whatever.
Pa-Trelli: Hiro, you screwed up this job. Which was to bring the precog to me. Because ostensibly I needed him. Even though I just beheaded him. So I guess I should have sent you to kill him. Or I could have just done it myself. I am kind of hoping nobody remembers that you're here because I sent you.
Hiro: I LIKE CHEESE!
Pa-Treli: OK. Well, you represent easily the biggest threat to me and my plans. So, instead of killing you or taking your powers, both of which I am easily capable of doing, I think I'll just do something needlessly convoluted.

[He reverts HIRO'S mind to the age of TEN. This makes ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE.]

Hiro: I LIKE CHEESE!
Ando: Oh no! Now, having done the needlessly convoluted thing, it appears that Pa-Trelli is really going to kill us! Hiro, teleport!
Hiro: WAFFLES!
Ando: No, just teleport! Here, I'll make you scrunch up your face.

[This ACTUALLY WORKS]

Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Ando: Wow, you teleported just because I made your face move?
Hiro: FART!
Ando: Do you stop time every time you take a dump?
Hiro: COMIC BOOK!
Ando: Huh, this comic book is still being drawn, even though the artist got his head sawed off two years back.
Hiro: SANDWICH!

[Hiro prances around like a drugged elf.]


SCENE 3

LAW-TRELLI and NIKKI 3 enter PA-TRELLI's sanctum. It is really easy to do.

Law-Trelli: Dad, you're still alive.
Pa-Trelli: Son, you're a senator.
Law-Trelli: Is that still part of the plot?
Pa-Trelli: You are the key to my plan. You're meant to be president.
Law-Trelli: So . . . that's why you tried to kill me?
Pa-Trelli: You know what? Let's just cut away from this scene.


SCENE 4

PA-TRELLI and SYLAR are walking along.

Pa-Trelli: Son, you can take powers without sawing off heads.
Sylar: What?
Pa-Trelli: Just tap into your empathy.
Sylar: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wow, that really is funny how you pretended to make it the lamest and most trite thing possible.
Pa-Trelli: . . .
Sylar: No, seriously. How do I do it?
Pa-Trelli: Here, go into this room.
Sylar: OK.
Elle: I HATE YOU YOU KILLED MY FATHER I HATE YOU DIE!!!
Sylar: Ow, my skin!
Elle: YOU ARE A MONSTER I HATE YOU DIE!!!!
Sylar: Ow my whole head chest neck and shirt!
Elle: I WILL KILL YOU!!!
Sylar: I forgive you. Please forgive yourself.
Elle: OMG OMG
Sylar: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
Good Will Hunting: I'm healed!
Elle: BE MY BOYFRIEND, DADDY KILLER!

[They MAKE OUT, while PA-TRELLI watches on closed-circuit.]



SCENE 5

PARKMAN and SPEEDY walk into the WORLD'S MOST DESERTED HOSPITAL and find MA-TRELLI

Parkman: I'm going to go in there.
Speedy: Gross! She's sleeping!
Parkman: No, I mean into her brain. Ew.
Speedy: OK, I'll go get a nurse or something. I'm not going to totally betray you.

She TOTALLY BETRAYS HIM. Meanwhile, PARKMAN enters a David Lynch dream and is STABBED by SPEEDY, representing his SENSE OF OBVIOUSNESS. SPEEDY returns and notices that PARKMAN is bleeding, because YOUR MIND CAN GIVE YOU OPEN WOUNDS. She then enters PARKMAN'S mind by touching his hand. I guess that is how that WORKS.

Parkman: Oooowwwie!!
Speedy: Now I loves you! I loves you with all my heart!
Parkman: I love you too!
Pa-Trelli: You can't love dese hos. She'll betray you! My wife tried to kill me and paralyzed me!
Ma-Trelli: Let me go.
Pa-Trelli: For no reason? Why not?

They ALL WAKE UP

Parkman: Was that you in my brain, Speedy?
Speedy: Yes, and now I still suddenly love you.
Parkman: I love you!
Speedy: Should we kiss?
Parkman: Hey! Where did my TURTLE go?


SCENE 6

CLAIRE and PETER un from THING 1 and THING 2

Pete: Blah blah blah blah innocent
Claire: Yadda yadda yadda, run away.
Pete: NO! Oh, Okay.

PETER runs. CLAIRE prepares for a standoff.

Claire: I'm the defensive player of the year!
Thing 1 and Thing 2: What does that even mean?

CLAIRE throws herself out a WINDOW, and right past Peter. This has the effect of LEADING THE BAD GUYS RIGHT TO PETER.

Thing 1 and Thing 2: That's defense? We could have easily thrown you out of a window. In fact, that was kind of our plan.

PETER does something with a gas main that is ALMOST SORT OF INTELLIGENT.

Peter: Now keep in mind that, since being stripped of my powers, I do not have appeared to have absorbed any powers from Claire, Elle, Thing 1 or Thing 2. This would indicated that my power-absorbing power has been removed as well. I am sure that this show will be consistant about that.

EVERYBODY remains politely SILENT.

Claire: So, how long has it been since you abandoned your Irish girlfriend in a hellish future-that-no-longer-is without any comment or qualm?
Peter: Eighty-three whole days!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great stuff, A+, but I think you underestimate the writers by assuming that they'll just forget that Peter lost his power absorbing power. Give them some credit, clearly they're just going to have Peter regain his power by getting injected with something or another from Mohinder's lab. Much better.

Where the hell is the Haitian while all this is going down?

Random, but I enjoyed Eric Roberts' performance in last week's episode. Way better than his previous cameos. Got my fingers crossed that his character is next in line to be brought back from the dead.

Matt said...

Damn you Goat.

I was ready to give up watching now that it's been written by a drunk 10-year old Hiro using nothing but Mad-Libs and Magnetic Poetry.

But I think I have to keep watching, if only because I think the pleasure of reading your recaps intensifies if I'm still following along.

Just be sure to stay away from the eclipse, or it might take away your wonderful Mocking-Recap superpower.

Astin said...

HIROS IS TEH AWSUMEST SHOW EVAR! I LIKE HOW ELLE AND CLARE ARE BOTH PRETTY AND HAVE YELLOW HARE! ALSO, PETER WILL GET ALL HIS POWERS BACK FROM SILOR AND HERO WILL GET HIS MAMORIES BACK SOMEHOW MAYBE.

I HOPE ANDO HAS POWERS SOON. THAT WOULD BE TEH BEST!

1Queens Up1 said...

So when do we save the Cheerleader thus saving the world?

When will future Jack show up and make up with future Kate?

When will "Chuck" be renamed into "A guy, 2 girls, some spy stuff, and a Best Buy Store."

Tune in next week at the same Bat-time and the same Bat-station...

Irongirl01 said...

Only one thing can fix heroes ......Jack bauer

Im joking..... this is the first season I watched the show so have nothing to compare. It does look like its heading to a more concise storyline. As crazy as it is I am enjoying it for the most part.