Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Heroes 006: Defenestration Nation

And now, a reading from The Book Of Patreli, Chapter 1, verses 1-8

1 And so it came to pass that the man Sylar didst have serious mommy issues, which verily didst cause him to changeth his piorities and motiviations, and, yea, even his very character at the droppeth of a hat, thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times in an episode. 2 And then Sylar, being mighty in power, did find favor with his brother, but even so when his father did entreat him he did switch, and with his might didst smite his brother Peter and cause him to be thrown from a high place. 3 But lo! Though Peter didst fall, yet he did not die, for his brother Sylar did still love him in secret, though verily not in a gay way (though, letteth us face it, there wast truly an uncomforable amount of hugging and breathing heavily with longing glances far too close and lingering for the comfort of most). 4 And then didst Peter find favor with the LORD and escape with his brother's daughter Claire, who could not feel pain and neither could she act. And then Sylar's father was wroth, and did gnash his teeth, and rent his robe, and smiteth he his right hand man, who causeth nightmares, for very little reason.

5 So the audience was filled with great loathing, and they cursed the writers and swore an oath to them. "May your tongue cleave to the roof of your mouth, which will make ordering at French restaurants very difficult, and may your contact lenses be very hard to get out at night! You are like unto a goat without a goatherd! Unto the tenth generation I curse you, for truly we say to you the Nightmare Man was interesting to us! So mucheth now for the subplot in which ghost-Lindermaneth was appearing to Senator Patreli, and whateth the helleth was that all abouteth, anyway? 6 Eth you!"

7At that time there were many signs and miracles, and Parkman did getteth played like a punk, and Hiro did eateth of the paste of hyena dung, because he is totally getting hazed by the African seer, and Ando did laugh to himself, and Inky Sue did depart, and there was much rejoicing. 8 Also, verily Mohinder was a stupid prat in the eyes of G-d and man. Amen.


Hey! It's Heroes! It's kind of fun again even though it doesn't make much sense unless you don't think very much about it, which keeps it from being fun. Let's try to keep up here.

Claire and Electro-Loo. I can't quite understand aiport security. I can't bring on bottled water, but a girl who is actually shooting off visible electricity just gets to sit in business class, no problem? Also, superheroes taking a plane? WHERE IS YOUR DUMB FLYING BOYFRIEND WEST? Also, am I the only person who really hoped they would crash on LOST island?

Noah. He's working with Meredith now. I guess the Haitian is busy. That's fine. What's Noah even doing now? He was on Level 5, then there was a jailbreak, and I guess that meant he wasn't dangerous to the company anymore, because they want him to catch the bad guys, because I guess he's their only human operative? Isn't this a big Company with a lot of government funding? Is Noah their only spook? Wasn't the big scene between him and Claire at the end of Season 2 all about how he had rejoined the Company to keep the Company off Claire's back, but he now can never see her again? But now he's back to the house all the time. I'm lying down now.

Meredith. Hey, the show remembered that she and Nathan were a thing once. Good going, show! Way to remember stuff!

Nathan. Man, he's gotten boring. What the dilly-o? He was all full of God for about a minute. Now he's full of cotton swabbing. That said, I hope next week shows him flying in an airplaine to visit his dad. That would be funny.

Hiro and Ando. Hiro is back to not wanting to change the past. Again. Yawn. Somebody hit this guy with a shovel a third time, quick.

Daddy Powersuck. I like him, I'm rooting for him. I don't really know what else to say. He's got something going on beneath the surface. It's probably just that Robert Forster can act and he hasn't been around enough to become a totally different person seven times.

Nightmare Man. Snap, crackle, buh-bye.

Mohinder. There's something I've noticed about the lines that are written for him. They take the maximum amount of words to convey the most simple ideas. They are repetitive, they are redundant phrases, they are on some kind of recursive loop, they say the same thing over and over but each iteration in one of his interminable sentences is more abstract and more pointless and melodramatic, it's almost as if he just wants a drink of water, but they don't have him say, "Water please," but rather they have him say, "I am seeking water, something wet and moist that I can drink, the very giver of life that seeps from the earth and covers us and in fact makes up every part of us, that very essential element which is one of the four that poets have long sung of and which flows even in our very blood, and I'm a spider sometimes EEEAAAAAUUUGHA BOOGLE VOICEOVER!!!!" Essentially, he is what Seinfeld said about Newman. "No, there's not more to him than meets the eye. There's less."

My point is, I think that he thinks that he's narrating all the time. I'd like to see more of this. I'd like to see him eating a slice of pizza, intoning, ". . .the pizza of life is mysterious, some of us prefer the peperoni of certainty, other enjoy the pinapple of confusion . . . " and so on.


For next week's episode, I want to see Hiro get drunk and try to seduce Parkman's turtle. But then . . . he kills the turtle!!!!! Comercial break!!!! We're back aaaaaaand . . . it wasn't the turtle at all, it was just a pillow and Hiro was dreaming. Then Matt shoots him, shoots him dead!!! Comercial break!!!!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think that Syler's motivation didn't change. I think he made the split second decision to go undercover, hence the not killing Peter. He's a double agent now! And Daddy P is suspicious of him and probably KNOWS he's doing the double agent thing and will use that knowledge to double cross him. And this would all be cool if the writers keep it all straight.

Wifey-poo

Astin said...

What she said.

Also, if you illegally download the episodes - no commercial breaks!

Yah, that lack of Linderman will be forgotten no doubt. Or he'll still show up and it won't be explained HOW. Or Daddy Petrelli will posthumously take Daddy Parkman's powers. Or Parkman will go over to the dark side and take his dad's place. But of course speedygirl will save him and be good after all. Also, if Hiro would just GO BACK IN TIME, this whole season would be over and pointless. What a tool. Hiro, not you.

Oh, and Claire is still a moron (so much for that hope), and Mohinder is a puppy - not very bright, far to curious, and shits everywhere.

Why the hell did he even have a second of morality? Way to fuck up making the guy mildly more interesting.

And why the hell can't Nathan learn to listen to his younger brother? Has Peter EVER been wrong when talking to Nathan?

Julius_Goat said...

Astin, wifey:

I believe a close and prayerful reading of verse three of Patreli Ch. 1 will show that the infallable text is aware of Sylar's double-agent status. However, he has still changed his allegiance like a liberal elite changes his underwear (daily).

If you say otherwise, you are a false prophet and must be shunned to the 15th son of the father, amen.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any sons.

So there.

$mokkee said...

the writers are effing this show up good.

it's like a bunch of kindergartener's took over the writing.

finest display of ADD ever