Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Heroes 005: All We Are Is Dust In The Wind, Dude

Whoo hooo hoo!!!

Adam is dead! It sure looks permanent! Peter lost all his powers! Just like I asked! Hiro got hit with a shovel! Hiro got hit again with a shovel! Hiro is funny again in a way that derives from his character instead of pointless stupidity! Let's rewind and watch Hiro get hit with a shovel again!

Well, now what do I do? Seriously, I'm asking. the first few seasons of this season were dragging Season 2 around like a corpse that had been chained to them, but now they've found a hacksaw, and now they are just weighed down by the chain and the amputated stump of one leg. I'm honestly at a loss when it comes to writing about a "Heroes" that doesn't just suck out loud. It's hard to know now if something has been left out because it is yet to be revealed or because the writers are just making it up. This was easier when I was giving them no credit at all (and with good reason). So, what am I left with? Q-Tip? You have any answers?

What is Elmer if he ain't got Fudd?
What is Paul if he ain't got no Rudd?
What is a belly dance if it don't shake?
What is a birthday party wit' no party cake?
What is a runner who can't jump no hurdles?
What is Parkman without his turtle?
What is this show without a voiceover?
What's Sesame Street if it ain't got Grover?
Nadda nadda nadda, not a damn thing.
How does Nathan fly without any wings?
Does he have a wife if she's never on the show?
What about Micah, where did he go?
What is Heroes if it doesn't suck?
What is Adam if he's dead as a duck?
What's a creator who's not creating?
What is Goat
If he ain't hating
On the Heroes writers?
What's a crimefighter?
What is Mohinder if he ain't a damn spider?
What's a Jabba if he dosn't have a Hutt?
What's a bad show if it's out of its rut?
What is a what is a what is a WHUT??

Never mind, Tip. Thanks anyway.

Random Thoughts

* Peter losing his powers to his dad is a great development. Something to note: A hero with unstoppable powers is boring. A villain with the same powers. Awesome. The difference is the tension that comes from real danger. Something at stake, something to lose. Glad to see they fixed this, not a week after I asked for it, either. Big question: Did Peter merely lose all the powers he's picked up, or did he lose the power to pick up powers? Any way you slice it, I love it.

* So, Pa-Trelli can get all the powers, and he steals them. Peter just gets them from proximity. Sylar gets them by killing. I don't know what it means, except to say this: Sylar being Peter's brother is idiotic. Good to get that off my chest.

* The next step that they need to take is to get us to care about these people again. Remember that episode that focused on Bennett, from the moment he joined the company to the moment he betrayed it to save his daughter? That's the reason we care so much about Bennett. We went deeply into what makes him tick. On the other hand, Adam just got turned to dust and I could care less. He was a likeable actor and did the best he could with what he had, but I have no idea who he was as a person, what made him tick, and I don't have any sense that the creators do, either. He was a piece that moved around the board to get Plot Point A from Area Q to Area R, and now that piece is captured and off the board. But I'm encouraged; they still could make a heavy investment in character development and exploration, and let the stories flow from that. If they did, I could even start forgiving the fact that they have 30+ episodes that just don't work if you think about them at all.

* Hold on, let's go back a few episodes. Remember Nikki in her coffin? Didn't she BURN TO DEATH? She was remarkably well-preserved. Just a quibble.

* Mohinder is better as a bad guy. He's still horribly stupid (really? let the lady who you KNOW can kill with a freezing touch to touch you?), but at least you can explain it by saying he's distracted by being a bug. Also, Maya is incapacitated. That is so cool. I like the idea of his trying to convince friends that he totally has a girlfriend that they've never met. Not in the Niagra area, just webbed up in a cocoon on his ceiling. "No, totally, she's real! She's into me!"

* I don't believe that Area 5 is actually a maximum security prison. It's easier to get a bad guy out of there than it is to get Pringles out of those tennis-ball cans.

* The bad guy with the blue fire hands looks a lot like Joe the Plumber.

* Parkman is going to be so bummed when he goes back to the apartment and Mohinder eats his turtle.

* Did I mention that Hiro got hit with a shovel? I think they've been reading my mail.

* The scene with the puppetmaster was fantastic. Uber-creepy, worked with tensions that already existed between Claire and her two moms, allowing Mama Bennett to be awesome and the actor playing puppetmaster to make us all feel deeply uncomfortable. Also, what's with the cool new ideas for powers? Agreed, vortex-man was a great power. Puppetmaster is a really cool one, too. Fear-eater isn't bad. More innovation when thinking of powers, please. Here's a few I'd like to see:

- Arousal Man, the man who arouses whomever he's around.
- Shark Hands. Nobody messes with shark hands.
- Prehensile Hair Boy. This would make puberty difficult, but nevertheless . . .
- Multiple Man, the man who can make copies of himself.
- Two-Dimensional Lass. Good for mailing yourself.
- The Aroma-nator. I would like to see somebody who just smells really good, and that's it.
- Density control. Actually a very strong power.
- Super barfing. This would be best if it allowed you to propel yourself through the air.
- Super stretchy. A classic.
- Super lucky. Always good for Vegas, but I'd like to see somebody whose power is simply stumbling around and things just always break right for him.
- Flesh molder. This person could make permanent changes to your body with his hands, as though you were modeling clay. This would make that "got your nose!" game a lot more intense.
- Super sweaty. This person can actually fill a room with his own sweat in minutes. In our world, we call such a man "Patrick Ewing."

"Heroes" may come back from the dead yet. Keep hope alive.


Matt said...

Awesome recap as always.

Only thing better that Goat's Heroes posts are Goat's Heroes posts that reference Quest.

Are you taking requests? Can we get some Pharcyde in the next one? From Bizarre Ride II, obv.

Jordan from HighOnPoker said...

On the Heroes website, there are weekly comics available. In the comics, there is a character with the ability to multiply himself ("Multiple Man") and a chick who can change other peoples' faces, like clay. So, two of your suggestions are already in play.

Astin said...

I wrote the most awesomest comment ever. With brilliant suggestions for heroes, and all kinds of wonderful insight and humour. But Blogger ate it... so fuck that shit.

Boskage Staff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julius_Goat said...

Astin, you and I know that it was the Haitian.

Jordan, call me when they do the prehensile hair.

thedream said...

Here's my problem with this episode. First, Hiro says he won't go back in time because he'll ruin everything, yet he had no problem pausing time then going back in time to tell Ando he was going to fake stab him.

Second, in the first few episodes of this season, when Hiro paused time, Speed Girl (forgot her name) still operated in normal time. But then all of a sudden in the bar, Hiro pauses time before he fake kills Ando and she's frozen like everyone else.

It's like the writers are stoned in between writing each episode independently and nothing works together. I'll still watch the show because I'm a nerd and superheros are cool, but they'll never get back to Season 1 success.

Julius_Goat said...


Yes, absolutely. I don't mean to give the impression that the show doesn't still have HUGE errors in continuity. It does. But it is making some promising moves in the big picture view of the plot. It's only 12 or 13 episodes of rehab away from being truly good again.

Matt, you ask for it, you get it.

Your mama is so evil
(How evil is she?)
Your mama is so evil that she's a Patrelli!
And she can see the future
But times are rough
She's seen herself in nuclear winter wearing earmuffs.
It's sad and also dumb
She's got a secret son
An evil kid n' hidden, Sylar's the one.
Her eyes flash and slash when enraged.
Her motives change from script to script and from page to page.
Sitting up on Level five
Drinking human blood.
Genetically changing Nathan till he flies like a SCUD
She's got the ancient skin of a mummified bat.
Her middle name's "Cruela", and on top of all that . . .

Yo mama's got a glass eye with a fish in it.
(Yo mama's got a glass eye with a fish in it!)

Yo mama, you mama, yo mama . . .

Khonshu said...

Your blog is the only one I read on because I love your unflinching comments about Heroes.

Cross-eyed Speedster and Parkman better not really get together, because the tortoise and hare jokes are just too easy (she's fast and he has a turtle? duh?)

I miss evil Sylar. I don't like liking him.

And when are we going to clear up the whole Patrelli family tree? And do I really have to "pick sides?" I hate Ma Petrelli even though she's supposedly on the "good" side and I love the fact that "evil" Pa Petrelli took uber-Peter's powers.

What many are failing to realize is that MA PETRELLI is lying about Sylar! (IMHO) If Peter read Sylar's mind, all he knows is that Sylar believes Ma P to be his mom, because she whispered it to him. There is no independent evidence at this point. Just sayin. And when little Gabriel realizes he's been shafted, he will likely return to EVIL, and then I will be happy. :)

Anyway, just my 2 cents

Amanda said...

I laughed out loud at this one...

"Parkman is going to be so bummed when he goes back to the apartment and Mohinder eats his turtle."

Also, a favorite from the comments

"Cross-eyed Speedster and Parkman better not really get together, because the tortoise and hare jokes are just too easy (she's fast and he has a turtle? duh?)"