Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Twirling, Twirling, Twirling Toward Freedom

My fellow Americans,

It is with great pride, and an unquenchable thirst for power, that I accept the Pokerblogger Party nomination for President of the United States. I haven't checked the polls recently, but given the popularity of poker and the declining popularity of Scotty Ngyuen, I'd say I have this one sewn up.

I'm not going to take a chance with my running mate, though. No hardened Washington insider with power white hair or newcomer former sports anchor from Anchorage who's governed less people than she has moose in her kitchen. No, no no. I want somebody with experience, somebody with results. In these high-pressure times, we need LJ for (+E)VP, because we need somebody we know is ready, and will never, ever, ever, ever, ever fold to any pressure.

And now, for my campaign promises.

I promise to shave every day.

I promise to do [thing or action] in the case of [your pet issue]. This [issue or action] is the most [message of hope or object of fear of your choice].

I promise to build a wall around the entire United States so high and so wide that it blots out the sun, and to arm that fence with acid tipped lampreys. Not for immigration, we'll still allow that, but to prevent skin cancer. If Canada lips off about it, we'll just say it's a privacy fence.

I promise to put every baby to work. They have gotten a free ride long enough.

I promise to put an oil derrick in every living room in this country. The only reason we haven't found oil in Columbus, Ohio, is because we haven't drilled DEEP enough, that's all. If one drilling operation every acre isn't enough, we'll do two. I am committed to sticking drills into every square inch of ground until we aren't addicted to oil anymore.

I promise to fight a REALLY popular war, like against The New Kids On The Block, now that they're back in defiance of all that is good and holy. I think we can take them, and we'll use the funds from the pay per view to build me a really nice swimming pool.

A lot of people ask me what I'll do in my first hundred days. Well, I'll tell you. Scooter races around the oval office and non-stop kegger. Are you invited? Depends. Did you contribute to the campaign? I'll take five buck donations, ship to either Tilt or Stars, and you're in. Hundred bucks, you can stay in the Lincoln bedroom and steal as many towels as you want. Five hundred bucks, and you can stay with Lincoln. Anything more than that, and Lincoln might follow you home. That was enough money back in his day to buy a fine buggy and a lifetime supply of top hats. All contributions are tax-deductible, unless it turns out they aren't. When I'm president, I'll have staff to check on stuff like that.

My second hundred days, that's when I get down to business. First, we have to take up the matter of the income tax. I want to change the carpet, and if you are going to take up the carpet, first you have to take up the tax.

Next, I eradicate the UIGA. Gone. We'll impose a reasonable rake on clean, regulated online tables that have been sprayed for roaches and Ultimate Bet pros.

Next, I have lunch.

After lunch, I take a nap.

After the nap, I appoint my cabinet. I may even dust my cabinet. Let's face it, my cabinet is a mess. After I've done that, I'll probably need some Secretaries.

Secretary of the Treasury. Waffles. We have been horribly mismanaged and are over a trillion in debt. That's just not good bankroll management. I need somebody who can get us to break-even.

Secretary of Education. Fuel likes to educate people from the rail, and of course Astin would make sure that the cafeteria food is healthy and delicious. Let's get them both in there. I know, I know, they're Canadian, but it's just Sec. of Education, and let's face it, we just don't pay attention to that. Straight talk, my friends.

Secretary of Transportation. All the donkeys who have ever bluffed into my sets with air. Yeah, they know how to ship it from all over the world.

Secretary of Agriculture. Co-secretaries Blinders and Hoyazo. I figure we make these two share the same office, and the resulting shit-storm will produce a fertilizer so fine and rich, we'll be able to grow corn and lentils in the Mojave. So, that's the energy and food crisis solved. Next!

Secretary of Eating Baked Beans While Sitting On Bill Frist's Head. Bayne. He asked for a job that he could do while still playing poker, to make it worth his while. Done, done, and done.

Attorney General. Huh, I can't think of anybody. If only our group included some lawyers. Oh well, no Constitution to defend after Bush anymore, anyway. Too bad, as I enjoyed bearing arms while not being held without charge. Maybe we can have rights during I Love The 90s Revival week.

Secretary of Labor. Recess Rampage. That guy knows how to grind, so it stands to reason he'll know grindstones.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs. As a family values candidate, I really don't think anybody should be having affairs, especially not the brave men and women of our armed forces.

Secretary of Energy. Poker Grump. If he can apply the energy he expends on playing poker for hours each day all over Nevada and churning out dozens of quality posts each day to our energy crisis, (or at least to harvesting all that Mojave corn), we'll be free of foreign oil by March.

Secretary of Defensiveness. Anybody who is offended by these jokes.

And so, in closing, I say to you, we are a nation, and unity, also independence, and with the tradition, and with the blessing of God, for our Founding Fathers, true freedom in this land, the people of this great nation, hard work and common sense, experience that can change you, hope that is vetted, moving forward or at least sideways or perhaps just strolling around, a chicken in every pot and a really nice set of luggage for anybody who votes for me.

End transmission.

I'm Julius_Goat, and I improved this message.


Astin said...

"I want to change the carpet, and if you are going to take up the carpet, first you have to take up the tax."

That is by far the WORST of the crimes against humour found in this acceptance speech. Despite the cushy job I'd get as co-secretary of education (would I have to wear a skirt? Because that might be more Falstaff's territory), I can't support a candidate who lobs puns around so egregiously.

But as stated, I'm Canadian, so I can't vote, so my comments are useless. Besides, I'd have a hard time getting around the privacy wall.

Julius_Goat said...

It's even worse, Astin. I plagarized that joke from Groucho.

And I don't have a journalism degree, either. I'm unfit to lead.

If anybody gives me a comment that is not useless, they will be summarily fired from my cabinet.

Dr. Pauly said...

Legalize marijuana and you got my vote.

Julius_Goat said...

Change100 ready for the Secretary of Bud?

Instant Tragedy said...

Mr. Goat, Mr. Goat... what are your views on those who are not affiliated with your party? And will you treat us, members of the media differently?

(Goat whispers in his ear)
Press Secretary? Wow. Mr Goat will not take any further questions until after he entertains the United States 2008 Women's Gymnastics team.

Thank You, that is all.


Irongirl01 said...

loved your comments on miami dons blogs. Hope you dont mind i posted those really well said words on mine..

VinNay said...


Instant Tragedy said...

This is what was ORIGINALLY Place On VinNay's blog. He won't let the truth come through...


Ring Ring Ring


"Hi, is this Hoyazo? This is Alcanthang calling from Pork Producers of America and I just like to ask a few questions of you today, it will only take a few seconds of your time, and could have a direct impact on who is elected this fall."

"I'm busy bloggin about how great I am, sure whatever maybe I can make a Waffles joke or two"

"Our records say you are a Bacon eater, is this correct?"

"Yes. Bacon is one of the four major food groups."

"Ok, good. Would you vote for IGGY/VINNAY if you found out that he wanted to ban all americans from eating Bacon?"

"WHAT?!?!?! He wants to ban Bacon? Shit I just lost $5k Ah what the hell, money grows on trees."

"What would you do if it was found out that the IGGY/VINNAY is anti-tall people and people with opposible thumbs?"


(Pours another glass of soco and salutes to the camera.)

Your move.

Mondogarage said...

I don't hate freedom. I hate freedom fries. At least unless I've got some malt vinegar or gravy for them.

BamBam said...

Should the Canadians be able to vote on this most important matter, I fear I would have some serious issues!


I don't care to support a party, that accepts people like me as members!