Monday, August 25, 2008

Ask A Goat 001: People Often Ask Me If I Have Any Advice For Young People

Well, here we are. Two hundred posts. Hard to believe, I know. Incredible, isn't it?

Goat, I hear you ask, how in the name of all that is holy has it taken you nearly two years to write 200 freaking posts? What kind of a sad little blogger are you, anyway? Don't you know that Poker Grump wrote 387 posts and Astin wrote 218 posts just while I was asking this question?

Now, that's a good point, I must admit, and I fully intend to investigate it and give you a complete answer someday in the foreseeable future, especially given that, with our modern technology, we can foresee all the way into the year 2716 AD, when Pepsi is officially accepted by nutritionists as a vegetable. Nevertheless, 200 posts is a milestone, and one I'm proud of, and hopefully one that can be exchanged at Chuckee Cheese for a free large pizza.

So, to celebrate, I'm unveiling a new dumb gimmicky blog series, titled Ask A Goat. You may not know this, but as a duly certified Noted Donkey Authority I get emails all the time from people who might not be imaginary, asking me for my advice on all sorts of things, but especially on poker. Now, some may call me "visionary", or "a genius", or "possessed of preternatural wisdom beyond his years." If some do, please let me know who they are so I can add them to my pyramid scheme mailing list. But even if some don't say this, I am still uniquely qualified to dole out advice, based on the following criteria:

1) I have a blog.

So let's get cracking!


Dear Goat,

Whenever I peek at my hole cards, I am worried that my table mates are trying to peek too! What should I do?

-Paranoid at the Palms

Dear Paranoid,

Are you kidding me? I'm looking at your cards, and I'm not even in the casino. Protect those things, bro! A basic consideration: It is important first and foremost to remember to keep your cards face down at all times. The logistics of hiding your cards when face up are prohibitive. After that, make sure that you are shielding the cards when you peek, using something that is sure to impede clear lines of sight, like a Japanese throwing fan, or a llama. Also, don't lift the cards too far; put your head right on the felt as you flip 'em. Having established the basics, you have three advanced alternatives.

The first option is to surprise yourself by just not looking at your cards until showdown. Many players have discovered that they are good enough that their cards don't matter. Maybe that's the case with you, and you'll never know unless you try.

The second option is to blind your opponents. All but the top poker pros can be blinded with a simple cocktail swizzle stick, a ball-point pen, or even by something like acid or India ink. Reports that players can be blinded with science or desire are unsubstantiated. Also, please be aware of the blinding policy of the poker room you are in. At the Palms, I believe that blinding carries a one orbit penalty per eye.

The third option is misdirection. If you think for sure that somebody has spotted your hole cards, just chuckle and say something like, "I don't know what you think I have, but it sure isn't Ace Ten of spades, ho ho ho!" Memory is a funny thing. If you deny what you have, they'll start questioning their own memory of events. That's when you blind them.


Dear Goat,

How do you recommend playing rockets UTG with an M of 12 and an aggrodonk with an ATC re-raising range in the cutoff right before the bubble?

-Nut-Peddling In Nevada

Dear Nut-Peddling,

I recommend you speak English, jargon-head.


Dear Goat,

I suspect that I have leaks in my game. How do I plug them?

-Lord Pancakes

Dear Pancakes,

The best way to plug a leak is to prevent it. I do this by replacing the copper washer at every oil change. However, if you do indeed have leaks, I would drain all the oil, then replace the PVC valve and all the gaskets. If that doesn't do it, you're probably looking at a complete rebuild. Sorry.


Dear Goat,

What are these "Super-user" accounts that let you win all that money? How can I get a "super-user" account?

Annie D.

Annie, I went to our experts at Ultimate Bet / Absolute Poker, who are merging to form the brand new site LOLColluders (aka ICanHazOversight?). They define a "super-user" as "a thing that may not exist, but if it does, and we are excited about bringing you a top-shelf poker experience, and we are happy to have that behind us and entering a era of being totally forthright and transparent about that, which is the thing that oooh look Phil Helmuth in a tank!"

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that the Super Users are a group of poker pros with superhuman abilities (super dodging bullets, super magic, super smelly feet, and so on) who banded together to fight the Legion of Doom Switch. It was all the rage on Saturday mornings back in the 80s, which means that the opening credits have been viewed 746,902 times while you were reading this answer.

As for getting a Super User account in this day and age, it will be tricky. I think if you are bitten by a radioactive dealer, you might wind up with super user powers. Just mind the Kryptonite and you'll be fine.


Got a question? Send it to askagoat at ymail dot com. If your question is stupid enough that I can make fun of you, I will answer you right away, or after I'm done watching TV.


Ultimate Poker said...

I think the whole thing with the Super User at UltimateBet is not a big deal. I bet that this type of thing has happend at other online poker rooms and no one found out.

Julius_Goat said...

Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent point, ultimate poker! Stealing isn't a big deal if it happens lots of places and nobody finds out!

Why, the fact that UltimateBet pulled an inside job on its own clients, stealing thousands and thousands of dollars, and still refuses to show basic transparency, is mere piffle! Because, you know, other times it happened and nobody ever was wise to it. Which makes what UltimateBet did just peachy.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Julius_Goat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Riggstad said...

lol @ ultimate poker taking this post to "defend" the wretched, cheating, bitch ass, owner involved, screw their own customers, herpes on the owners wife mouth, clap in the company bathrooms toilet stalls, selfish little, CUNT of a company.

waaahhhh,, I bet we aren't the only ones. WAHHHH!

I bet his next reply will have something to do with the fact that he has no affiliation to UB.

~ very funny post btw. I dug it!


Astin said...

I just assumed Goat posted the first response so he could have something to respond to in his 200th post. He's cagey that way I hear.

And 200 in 2 years isn't that bad. I mean, I only have 723 in 3 years... but only 12 of them are any good.

Oh a question... hrm...

Dear Mr. Goat,

Would you join a club that would accept someone like you as a member?

Julius_Goat said...

I would join a club just so I could beat Ultimate Poker Shill with it.

RaisingCayne said...

Absolutely hilarious man. Loved it.