Thursday, July 31, 2008

Meet The Final Table 009: Peter Eastgate

Well, it's been quite a ride. I'd like to thank you all for reading about all my friends at the final table. The November Nine are an interesting group, and no mistake.

A lot of you out there have asked me who I think is most likely to win the whole crate of kippers this Thanksgiving Season, and as tempting as it is for me to speculate, I must demur. I can't play favorites, it wouldn't be fair to the others, especially not to Darus Suharto, who doesn't have a prayer.

Godspeed to them all.


Name: Peter Eastgate

Age: 37

Occupation: Hero.

Nickname: "Galahad."

Poker Style: Pure. Strong. Brave. True.

Card Capper: A lock of his fair lady's hair, sealed by the grateful tears of a consumptive orphan.

Favorite Country Song: If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You,by Lorleena Smitty.

Brief Bio: Peter is the best person anybody will ever know. He eats organic honey and craps gold nuggets. He rides around the world astride his mighty steed, Bruce, helping any people who need it, standing up for the little guy, pulling himself up by his own bootstraps, pulling the little guy up by the little guy's bootstraps, making bootstraps for the bootstrap-less, helping kittens out of trees, helping baby birds back into trees, helping trees see themselves for the forest, and helping forests pay their mortgages before foreclosure. It's what he does. He cannot tell a fib, though he can run a mighty bluff. He can ford a river, jump a canyon, rope a steer, bench press an ostrich, roast a fine and tasty brisket, and teach a woman how to love. He can't cure cancer, but he can rough it up a little.

Tales about his good deeds are endless. Once he came across an old lady whose family farm was about to be foreclosed by an evil corporation that wanted to put up a strip mall on the spot. As the villains twisted their mustaches in vexation, they watched as Peter Eastgate rode up and, without a thought to his own safety, used his own funds to put that old woman in the finest nursing home available.

Another time, he came upon an Oklahoma town stricken by drought. Nobody could find a well, no matter how they tried, and the crops were drying up. They didn't have anything to wash with, and feared they'd have to leave their town or die of thirst. Peter Eastgate came into that dusty town one summer evening, and told them so many first-rate knock-knock jokes that they forgot their troubles for a spell. Afterward, they saw he'd eaten most of their fresh fruit, but comedy is hungry work.

I tell you what, buddy. If he ever teams up with the A-Team, the forces of petty cruelty and mendacity had better watch their backs.

Fun Fact: If Peter Eastgate wins the tournament, he is going to give it to you. That's right, you. Because he loves you, that's why.

1 comment:

Iak said...

Eastgate molested me as a boy at a Computer Camp in the Adirondacks.

Just sayin is all.