Monday, July 28, 2008

Meet The Final Table 006: 'David' Chino 'Rheem'

Funny story: My buddy Dennis Phillips contacted me from Nairobi yesterday and said that he wasn't in the World Series of Poker, and that he was pretty sure that the guy at the final table was a different Dennis Phillips. I laughed at the obvious joke.

Then Dennis emailed me, saying that none of the stuff I said was true at all, and that he'd never met me, and that he'd certainly never overthrown the government of Antigua. He was acting really angry. He'd even created a completely different email address to complete the ruse. What a clown.

Just another example of the silliness I have to put up with for bringing you the truth unvarnished.


Name: "David" Chino "Rheem"

Age: 54

Occupation: Circus Freak Talent Scout

Nickname: "Mister."

Poker Style: Tight for hours, and then, suddenly, drunkenly, violent.

Card Capper: The world's smallest woman (14" tall).

Favorite Country Song: You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly, by Pappa T. Coleslaw

Brief Bio: Chino is a small, neat, and unassuming man, and you'd little suspect that he's the most respected finder of human oddities in North America. He was born into the life. His mother was an acrobat and his father was a clown, and he is the great-great-grandnephew of the legendary "freak" Zip the Pinhead.

His profession aside, he has in private life all but rejected his roots in the business of show. He cultivates the image of a man of taste and refinement, serves as a judge of note at vodka tastings, competes in amateur bullfighting tournaments and is a chef of great skill. He enjoys entertaining at his villa, Italian opera, philately, and pheasant hunting. He can tie his own bow tie while blindfolded. He grooms his thin hair with a mustache comb. He almost never blinks. He is the veteran of 28 transcontinental balloon expeditions.

Chino travels the world seeking primo exotics, following leads and meeting with royalty and peasant alike. He's very precise; only the finest freak will do. He rejected a 20" little person once for having bad ankles. He's found a four legged boy in Mongolia, a worm girl in Hanoi, bearded ladies galore in Bavaria, a man with an eyeball for a head in the Tennessee foothills, and he is personally responsible for the signing of Alex Rodriguez to the New York Yankees.

They even say he once found a real live gnome. Pointy red hat and all. It's impossible to verify, but, once you know the rumor, it is equally impossible not to be unnerved when you take lunch on the patio of his house. He has an immense garden, and his collection of gnomes is impressive. There are perhaps more than a thousand clay gnomes peeking from every rose bush and bramble, and you'll never know if one set of eyes aren't watching you.

Fun Fact: Chino can hold 104 Necco Wafers in his mouth simultaneously, a record he currently holds with the good people at Guinness. He tried the same trick on Day Four with his chips and was hit with a three-orbit penalty (it should be noticed that Doyle Brunson has had 3 poker chips tucked into each cheek since 2003 without penalty).

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