Meet The Final Table 001: Dennis Phillips

OK, so as you probably know by now, The Milwaukee's Best Final Table to the Harrah's Entertainment Ultimate Bet World Series of Nextel DOW Chemical the Cast of Grey's Anatomy on ABC Chef Boyardee Poker has been set. So now we have it down to nine, who will play in November for the right to become the next President of the United States of America. Ha ha! I'm kidding! Had you going there, didn't I? No no no no, they are playing for money. I think $9 million moneys, which is more than the president is going to make in four years, and he has to deal with tours going through his house all day to boot, so screw that job.

The stakes are high and the odds are pretty much exactly the same as they ever were, except if you are chasing a flush draw. It's been an incredible series, with an incredible amount of money at place, an incredible amount of media and public interest, and, of course, Norman Chad is incredibly annoying.

What is more incredible is that I know each one of the finalists personally! I know, I know, it's crazy. What are the odds? I know that over the next few months, there's going to be thousands and thousands of articles and talk show appearences and covers of cereal boxes and wind up dolls and Dancing With the Stars and affairs with Madonna and surprise guest sightings at the World Spelling Bee Championship (winning word: chthonic) and the Westminster Dog Show. It will be a whirlwind. Bigger than the North Carolina Hollering Contest, I'd warrant.

But right now, none of you know anything about them, which is a perfect opportunity for to introduce you to them with the inside poop. I've contacted each of them, and they've agreed that they'd like me to present their true bios before the press gets hold of them. In case it isn't obvious, all of these profiles are totally, totally factual.

I will be posting one a day, until the whole story is told.

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Name: Dennis Phillips

Age: 64

Occupation: Former Perfume Girl, Cowpuncher, Global Sportsman, Needlepoint Template Designer

Nickname: "El Tornador"

Poker Style: Triple aggressive with elbow grease; protects his blinds by blinding you with a nail-gun (as a result, WSOP director Jeffery Pollack has stated that pneumatic tools will be disallowed at the table for the 2009 WSOP).

Card Capper: Dennis uses a puma. A live puma.

Favorite Country Song: Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, by Joe Nichols

Brief Bio: Born into extreme poverty in Po Biddy, Georgia, during World War II, Dennis Phillips lit out for the territories as soon as he could shave, and hitched West to seek his fortune. Upon discovering that there no longer were any territories, his disappointment was so great that he sold his banjo for a cruel sneer that he still keeps in a velvet lined box to this very day. He'll show it to you if you give him a fiver.

After a brief stint as a perfume girl behind the counter at Macy's department store in San Bernardino, ran cattle for a time before he made his fortune with a popular line of pornographic needlepoint templates. Dennis now travels the world with his pet shrimp, Oodles, playing all the world's sports and enjoying some of them. He's best known to his friends for an almost complete disregard for safety regulations, whether posted or implied.

Dennis Phillips first came to my attention when I was vacationing in Rio back in the winter of 1973 (the summer of cheese). He was staying in the same hotel as me, and had hired a speedboat for water-skiing. Dennis is a powerful wintertime skier, but he hadn't quite made the conversion to water as he insisted on wearing full cross-country gear. Nearly blinded a kid with his poles before it was done. I acted as his attorney in the legal action that proceeded, which happily ended with us both fleeing the country zipped into carry-on luggage.

Dennis owns a complete set of Alvin and the Chipmunks recordings, even the underground stuff. I think his interest stems from the fact that he actually sounds a lot like Theodore when he sings.

Fun Fact: Dennis once toppled the government of Antigua by accident. He was cricketing and, as he stepped to bat, sneezed with such a violent forward motion that he knocked the wicket-keeper into a coma. The guy turned out to be the prime minister. He was across the border enjoying pool drinks in Barbuda before he realized what he'd done. So he came back with plenty of rum, and soon all was forgotten.