Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Donkey Choker Poker

Well, I entered Michael Craig's contest this FTOPS, but I came up empty this time. Too bad, but honestly now that I consider it, this probably wasn't the sort of thing that would appeal to the official Full Tilt site.

Or . . . wild, crazy thought . . . maybe Mr. Craig just liked the other entries better.

Anyway, since you won't get it there, you'll get it here. The set-up, real quick-like, is that you have 60 seconds as CEO of Full Tilt Poker, and can chance one thing, and one thing only.


* * *

Full Tilt Memorandum
From: 60-Second CEO Julius_Goat
To: All Full Tilt Staff


Dear Team Full Tilt,

First of all, thank you for electing me your 60-second CEO! Luckily I have had this document all ready to go for just such an eventuality, so I can be very specific even in my limited allotted time.

It's been a great ride, and I'd just like to personally apologize to Chris Ferguson about the hat thing. I really wasn't feeling well; think I ate some bad shrimp at the buffet.

But enough about my stomach. Let's move on to other stomachs; specifically, the stomach of the approximately 24,000 players who are dealt horrible bad beats every single day at your tables. We need to do something to give those players a good feeling. These are randomly generated times that call for randomly generated action, my friends.

I propose that you allow your users to choke, maim, punch, and otherwise abuse the avatar of the player who just detestably sucked out on them. The software MUST accommodate this; as soon as the player is eliminated, the table becomes an interactive game in which horrific damage can be inflicted. (Remember, none of this should be viewable to the other players, only to the eliminated player.)

Imagine it, if you will. I've just stupidly called a HUGE bet pre with nothing but 75 offsuit, and then called bullets on the turn and river with an inside straight draw. We're already both committed to the pot when my straight fills on the river, and you are eliminated from the 50/50 right before the bubble.

Now, look at me, grinning there.

LOOK at me. Disgusting, isn’t it? Don’t I need a good choking? Or perhaps a fatal coronary?

What if you could make me go from this . . .


Imagine the goodwill generated amongst our customers!

Now, let me clarify. Everybody knows that bad beats are a necessary part of poker, and I'd never in a million years suggest that you modify the software to eliminate bad beats for anybody but me. However, when they happen, the victimized player is left with unresolved feelings of anger, frustration, and injustice. This manifests itself in any number of ways, none of which provide our clients with a positive online experience.

1) Whining and complaining and abusive chat. Let's not discount the man-hours wasted tracking down all the complaints of abuse, or the ill-will caused by blocked chat.

2) Tilt. While this may not seem as though it would affect our bottom line, consider that the tilted player is one step away from the player who has given up the game in disgust.

3) Bad beat stories. These are the worst thing in the world, and are a leading cause of global warming. Let's go green in 2008!

All right, team. We have the energy. We have the knowledge. We have the technology.

Let's go do it.

Hugs & Kisses,

Your CEO

P.S. Matusow is asking me if we can set something up where you can ACTUALLY have somebody killed for like 1 million FPP. Legal, can you look into this, please?


jjok said...


Alan aka RecessRampage said...

This is just insanely hilarious...

pokertart said...


Patch said...

What pokertart said.

You need to add monkey attack to the list of kills.

Gunslinger said...


Astin said...

Man, write-in contests are totally rigged.

There's a euchre game out there that lets you do bad things to your opponents when they beat you. Oh, and I think Hoyle's Card Games had that feature once too.

I actually think it would be a fun addition.

Tgaylor said...


Bayne_S said...


I think I can help you make choked people appear as Avatars.

But we may need Mookies help for actual artistry

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

The heart attack picture really speaks to me man. Highlarious stuff as always.

sp1ke36 said...

how about just Napalm FTP for that crappy FTOPS ME lag......yeah I'm bitter.