Monday, April 14, 2008

Stupid/System 006A: Rapping

Addendum: Another very important issue for your live table image that needs to be addressed is your ability to rap.

CAN you rap? If your answer is "no", or "what is rap?" or "I hate rap garbage!" then this guy can help:

If you sadly find that even Alfonso Ribeiro cannot help you rap freestyle, spend some time creating your persona. Are you an East Coast rapper? West Coast? Southern Crunk?

If you can't freestyle, put in the hours to come up with a flow. No amount of time spent making your own distinctive rap voice can be considered wasted time. You will see the results at the poker table. Conversely, if you fail to develop this key skill, your lack of skills, whether 'mad', 'off the hook', or otherwise, will cost you greatly in terms of table image.

As a helper, please feel free to use this rap until you are able to come up with your own:

Aw yeah.
Hell yeah.
Bring the beat in money
[Say this to a member of your entourage who can beat box]

I'm gonna play better than Lederer,
I'm gonna best Ivey and Lindgren and Harmon, etcetera.
I'm gonna win it's a sin when I'm in and I'm so far ahead a ya
Poker to me is like golf is to Tiger and tennis to Federer

I know
You sold
All that you own just to be here today.
I know
Your whole
Family flew out here just to watch you play.
Aw, gee,
I never meant for you to bust that way.
I see
You need
A tissue to wipe all your weeping away.

I've got a pair in the hole.
[Note: Grabbing your junk is appropriate on this line]
I've got a whole lotta soul.
I've got the skill and the will and you're tilted
and wilted and outta control.

Don't ever test me or question me when I get lyrical
It is empircal that I am better than you.
Don't EVER think you can play me in razz, stud, or Omaha
Hold 'em or limit draw you are unskilled here's a "hee haw" for you.

I'm gonna play better than Lederer . . .
[continue chorus]

You may be thinking, "Wait a minute, is learning to rap REALLY all that important for poker? Shouldn't I focus on the math?"

Well, here's a cautionary example that I hope you find instructive. The horror . . .The horror . . .

I think I've made my point.


Mookie said...

Carlton is the man!

kurokitty said...

This rap sounds like it was crafted from the "Stuff White People Like Blog." lol

PokahDave said...

aaaaawwwwwww yeaaahhhhh!!

Julius_Goat said...


Though I am in fact one of the things that white people like, you are wrong.

That rap is dope, phat, and crunk simultaneously. It was hand-made with skillz that most people can't handle.


SubZero said...

Genius. Thanks again Goat, you've made me smile after a long day, and that is always gonna be appreciated....

Astin said...

This is so going to start some sort of East Coast/West Coast rivalry between you Meanhappyguy or someone. These things only end in drive by suckouts and so much pain.