Friday, March 28, 2008

The Seven Toppings Of Blogger Pizza

In the beginning, was the internet, flat and doughy and round as an uncooked crust.

And Google said, "Let there be blogs!" and blogs slathered their tangy tomato sauce all over the flatness of the bread, and baby pictures and daily listings of coffee consumed and videos of bike stunts were posted, and commenters said that they were awesome, and trolls said that the babies were ugly, and Google saw that it was good.

And Iggy said, "Oh the humanity!" and blogs about poker began to cover the flatness of the bread and the tang of the sauce, until a blogger pizza was formed.

And verily did Iggy see that, of the toppings on the blogger pizza, there appeared to be seven in number, and they spread about the pizza in various quantities and distributions, with various qualities and textures and Iggy saw that it was very weird.

The first topping is cheese. These are bloggers that seem to cover the whole scene. They've been to Vegas. They've been to Vegoose. They've been to eh-Vegas and Okie Vegas and Fake-as They provide links to new blogs, pimps to great new posts. They stretch and then break, leaving a big saucy soul-patch scalding on your chinny-chin chin.

The second topping is peperoni. Spicy and operating behind the scenes, these are the addictive bloggers that you just want to pick off and consume after you're full. These blogs are the spicy staple of any blogging community, providing tips, tricks, and strategy and the occasional flame rant. Eat too many, though, and you'll wake up with heartburn. Woe unto you!

The third topping are mushrooms. A little bit different, these bloggers. The oddballs of the bunch. Chewy. Clammy. They sometimes leave you cold, but they change the mix with a variety of new looks at the game. Maybe they make crossword puzzles, or Daniel Negraneu paper dolls, or a diorama of poker strategy guides. They bring something new to the table, and often leave their chips there.

The fourth topping is sausage. Sausage is the blogger that hates you, and you hate them, and they look like a little rabbit turd and taste like failure. Their posts are stupid and vainglorious. You know who you are. If you're asking, "Is it me?" . . . yes, it is. It is you.

No not you. That one, over there. The one by the window.

The fifth topping is onions. No blogosphere is complete without these radicals. They do the stuff that nobody else will do. Sometimes their efforts leave you with a marvelous pepper-water taste sensation. Sometimes they make you cry. Whatever you do, you know this: They'll make your breath stink, and at least half the given population will hate them and pick them off before eating.

The sixth topping is green pepper. Aloof, these bloggers are rarely seen leaving comments and never seen in person. Their moralistic posts about the evils of the game's excesses and the green coloring make you feel like you're eating something healthy.

The seventh topping is waffles. Confusing, I know. There it is, though.

And lo! Upon seeing the seventh topping, Iggy said, "screw it, I'm blogging about politics." And then did Al get schnockered, and the bloggers did weep, and gnash their teeth, and rent their garments, and then they raised the rent, but still refused to paint.

Amen.

14 comments:

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

LOL - another gem... wait, so are you the mushroom?

23skidoo said...

Priceless! I just cant figure out if I'm Onion or Mushroom....

Fuel55 said...

Of all the people I know you annoy me the most.

And the reason is simple - you are wasting your talent. Be thankful you are one of a spoonful who have talent - now put it to use for fawk's sake.

BWoP said...

Verily I say unto you, go forth and blog.

You crack me up.

HighOnPoker said...

Yo yo! I like this new form of blogger rankings. I can't wait for Joaquin to go from calling himself an A-lister to calling himself a Pepper.

lightning36 said...

I can't figure out if I feel like burping or making the sign of the cross after reading that ...

Julius_Goat said...

Depends how much peperoni and sausage you ate, lightning.

Riggstad said...

DUDE!!! how do you leave off black olives???

Only the greatest topping ever created for Pizza!

Julius_Goat said...

I wanted black olives, too, Rigg. But there's always somebody who's like, "Olives? Yuck! I want waffles on my pizza!"

Getting a pizza ordered is so hard.

katitude said...

I've read this post about 4 times now, and it just keeps getting funnier

kurokitty said...

Someone please tell me what topping Fuel is -- anchovy? Artichoke?

peacecorn said...

What? No pineapple?

Island Bum said...

Not that was good :)

Instant Tragedy said...

So who would be considered Crust, something that holds the ingredients in but everyone throws away?

:-)

Brilliant Goat, Fricking Brilliant!