But this isn't about me, it's about a question jjok asked. Which was (and I'm paraphrasing here):
Sweet buttered toast! Is it normal for people to play with both frontal lobes tied behind their back?
I started to answer, but it was getting long, so I cut it off. Go read his post, then come back here if you want enlightenment. I've been sitting, Jane Goodall, like, hidden in the ferns of the wild internet, and I've observed the majesty and behavior patterns of this strange but oddly beautiful creature, hugedonkus fulltiltus.
Not only that, I've written a book, Poker Strategy For Huge Donkeys, by Julius_Goat. It's not in bookstores yet, due to a little misunderstanding with the publisher. To be specific, the problem isn't so much the publisher as the lack of a publisher. My understanding was that the publisher would print a run of 100,000 and a major media blitz. My publisher's understanding was that I was a panhandler with a half-piece of Velveeta cheese stuck in my matted beard. We're working it out. But, in the interest of PoBlo education (PoBloEd), I'm including a free advance excerpt for you! The following is a poker glossary I have placed near the beginning of my tome, translated from thousands of pages of notebook scribblings, made as I've observed a congregated herd of over 3,000 hugedonkus, or 'honkeys' in the vernacular. My only hope is that this may help you as you encounter this species.
[Excerpted from Poker Strategy For Huge Donkeys, (c) Julius_Goat 2008, All Rights Reserved]
ALPHABETIZED GLOSSARY
Pot Odds. One of the most important aspects of poker. The Pot odds are a thing that made Jamie Gold call Allan Cunningham on TV, and Jamie won. Therefore it is important to always have pot odds. You get pot odds by calling more than other players.
Statistics. Statistics should always favor your decisions, which is why it's best to always only use statistics which do. As a side note, 89% of people realize that over 50% of statistics are totally made up, so you're doing yourself a disservice if you don't make some up yourself.
Coin Flip. If you might win the hand, it's a coin flip. For example, 33 is a coin flip against anything but a higher pair, which occurs only 4% of the time (see Statistics). A coin flip is also known as "getting in with the best of it" among the segment of more developed honkeys that have developed rudimentary speech.
Face Card. The Ace, King, Queen, Jack, Ten, Nine, Monopoly Community Chest cards, and the "Old Maid" are all considered 'face' cards. This is often considered a inaccurate list outside the honkey herd, because the Ace clearly has no face. But an Ace can be used in a high hand, too! Any two face cards, when placed together, make a powerful trapping hand. Only call preflop with two face cards, even if the call is for more than half of your stack, as you'll have pot odds for the rest of the hand, making you a mighty favorite.
ATC. Acronym for "Aggression Through Calling." A player has to have a better hand to call a raise than to open with a raise. So if you call somebody's raise, you have a better hand! This is known as the "Gap Principle", and it was invented by David Skanky back in the sixties or something. Are you an ATC player? You should be!
Unsuited. Unsuited cards are preferable, because preflop you now have TWO flush draws.
Gappers. The wider the gap, the better. A4 is awesome because now you have TWO straight draws. Study my "Unsuited Gapper" chapter on page 875 to understand more.
Draws. Any draw is worth any call. Remember, you want to get a lot of chips in there to create favorable pot odds situations.
Raising. Poker favors aggression, and so you must raise with any reasonable hand. There is debate over the best amount, but usually 2x the big blind is best, unless you are opening from early position on the first hand of a tournament, in which case an all-in is best.
Calling. The key arrow in any poker player's quiver. This is how you generate those favorable pot odds for yourself. (See Pot Odds).
Folding. Ridiculous. THIS IS A GAME OF AGGRESSION, PEOPLE. What is less aggressive than folding??? Did Napoleon fold at Waterloo? No! History, people. History. Don't burn your fiddle in Rome like Nero.
All-In. This is a fine move early in the tournament, as it establishes you as the aggressor. Later in the tournament, everybody is doing it. Shift gears and start calling.
OK, that's the first excerpt from my book. I'll be back next week with some sample hands.
6 comments:
This is fantastic!
Can I make a suggestion? You need to have a chapter on bubble strategy for fat stacks. Make sure you remind them to call ALL the all-in on the bubble with any 2 cards. It's very important. Either take people out or double them up. It's the way God intended the bubble to be played.
That is freakin hilarious as usual.
Nice job.
I assume you will have various guest bloggers ghost-writing most of these chapters, right?
trapping your opponent- always raise enough of your stack with ATC to commit yourself to calling a push. ABC poker.
Hilarious, as I've come to expect...
"It's funny because it's t-rue!"
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