LOST: A Refresher

With apologies to Billy Joel and anybody who gets "We Didn't Start the Fire" stuck in their heads today, but I thought I'd take a moment to catch up with the action so far . . .


SEASON ONE

Oceanic had a crash,
Boone and Locke found Desmond’s hatch.
There’s a monster, hear it roar.
(We never see it anymore.)

Now let’s all check out Kate’s butt,
Hurley’s rich and fat and nuts.
Jack’s obsessed,
Jin’s a dick,
Charlie is an addict.

A couple Others infiltrated,
Sawyer’s filled with self-hatred.
Sayid
Tortures guys
Rose is old and black and wise.

Sun speaks English secretly,
Charlie gets hung from a tree.
Hey! There’s
A polar bear.
Coming out of nowhere.

Sayid takes a walk
Jin starts to learn to talk
Shannon
Lived in France
Rousseau is crazy-pants.

Locke only wants to stay
Michael wants to get away
Walt has powers
(Don’t ask how)
Boone is a goner now.

The Others also have a boat
Turns out that Michael can float
Walt gets
Pulled aboard
And disappears till Season Four

Now Jin has our sympathy,
Others' smoke makes Losties flee,
Dynamite
Blows the lid
No one cares what Kate did.

Jack makes a stupid plan!
Everyone does what they can!
Shannon tries to get a tan!

[Chorus]
We can’t get off this island,
Even though we’re trying, lots of us are dying.
We can’t get off this island,
Flashbacks keep us busy, Sayid's hair is frizzy.


SEASON TWO

Finally we’re inside the hatch
Button mashing gets old fast.
All the Tailies
Had it hard
They’re all dead now but Bernard.

Man of science, man of faith
Push the numbers just in case.
Shannon
Eats some lead.
Sayid’s pissed that she is dead.

Locke’s teaching Michael guns.
Holy crap, but that was dumb.
Hurley’s numbers
Are confusing
Crap, and Charlie’s back to using.

Rousseau captures Henry Gale
Everything that Jack tries fails.
Build an army?
Never mind.
Let’s just leave that plot behind.

More hatches than I can remember.
Reruns now until November.
Locke faith
Is getting dull.
Eko’s stick will crack his skull.

Hurley’s hording all the snacks
Hey look! Now Michael’s back.
Libby’s getting
Real intriguing.
Too bad that she’s shot and bleeding.

Michael is the Other’s tool
Good thing Sayid isn’t fooled.
Sadly Jack's
Still real ghey.
They get captured anyway.

There’s so much that we don’t know!
Why’d the key make the hatch blow?
Are the Others really foes?
Why’s that statue got four toes?

[Chorus]
We can’t get off this island,
Now the hatch exploded (or was that imploded?)
We can’t get off this island.
Guess we’re all connected, sometimes resurrected.


SEASON THREE

Desmond’s got the future sight
And the Michael who is white
Doesn’t age,
Jack’s enraged
Sawyer’s in the bear cage.

Juliet is so conflicted
Ben’s movement is restricted
By his tumor
There’s a rumor
That Alex is engaged.

Kate and Sayer do the deed
Jack ensures that they are freed
In return,
He stays.
Touch football is what he plays.

Sun is pregnant, but she’s sad
Jin might not be the babydad.
Claire is a
Protective mother.
Jack is still her secret brother.

This chick in a parachute
Brings us some disturbing news
Turns out
They’re all dead.
This is all in Hurley’s head.

Locke blows up the sub real good
And Ben really thinks he should
Off his dad.
He gets mad
When Sawyer does it instead.

Jack picks up some dynamite
Wants to use it in a fight.
The Russian
Can’t be killed.
Paolo’s in a landfill.

Poor Ben has lost all control.
Leaves Locke dying in a hole.
Jacob gives
the island juice.
Now we’re getting real confused.

Jack’s plan actually succeeds!
Kate gets trembly in the knees!
But now!
Future shock!
Jack! Kate! Sawyer! Locke!

Hurley fixes up the van!
Uses it to kill a man!
Claire frowns!
Charlie drowns!
DADDY ISSUES ALL AROUND!
We have got an all out war!
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

[Chorus]
We got off that island,
Who is in the coffin? We’ll be asking often.
We got off that island.
But we just aren’t done now, think we’ve just begun begun begun begun . . .