Table Profiles 006: Pvt. Pooosh

General Profile: Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a child. Maybe he was dropped on his head. Maybe he only downloaded the "Bet Max" button and isn't clear on the rules. Maybe his software is a little bit hardened, and his hardware is a little softened. Maybe his hay is a little wired. Maybe his turkey is deep-fried.

Whatever the case, Pvt. Pooosh is going all in on this hand, and the next one, and the next twelve. He is going all in until he's got nothing left to give. Let's give it up for him, shall we? He's the best.

Natural Habitat: Pvt. Pooosh is a somewhat rare form of donation-troll, but if you are patient, you can find him at the no limit cash tables at most levels. Just keep strolling from table to table until he appears and then do not give up your seat, whatever you do.

Strengths: Not timid. Bet sizes are on the largish sizes. He tends to open raise with a range from 80x to 100x the big blind. Wins big.

Weaknesses: Loses big, and far more often. A car wreck waiting to happen. And . . . should his eye be throbbing with his pulse like that?

Motto: BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!1!11!!

Favorite Hand: This one. And this one. And this one and this one and this one andthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisoneandthisone . . .

In the iPod: The comedy stylings of Dane Cook.

Hobbies: Strangely, Pvt. Pooosh collects Hummel figurines.

Care & Feeding: There is not much to be done with Pvt. Poosh but to patiently wait for a hand strong enough to call with and to take what is probably a 75 to 80 percent chance to double up. It's not poker; it's more like roullette with a beach ball, but it's still a fine way to pad your roll.

Do not attempt to apprehend Pvt. Pooosh if you are playing above your bankroll and can't stand the thought of losing a buy in.

You cannot affect Pvt. Pooosh's actions with chat or by any other means. He is an impervious to your activities as he is to common sense. Thus, any chat should be only in service of keeping him at the table.

Example:

Hero: Man, pooosh, you are pwning this table.
Pvt. Pooosh: i know ur all so week
Hero: well you're betting HUGE, I can't risk that
Hero: even with Kings I probably have to lay down, not worth the money
Pvt. Pooosh: lol
Hero: You're like Jamie Gold, man, you're just running over us
Pvt. Pooosh: call
Hero: oh, no, I'd be too nervous
Pvt. Pooosh: call
Pvt. Pooosh: call
Pvt. Pooosh: CALL U NANCY CALL CALL CALL

Hero shows QQ
Pvt. Pooosh shows 85

Pvt. Poosh has a flush, ten high
Hero has a pair of Queens

Pvt Pooosh wins pot [$101.25]

Pvt Pooosh: told you
Hero: I know, I shouldn't call without aces, you're on FIRE man!!!!

When properly encouraged in this way, Pvt. Pooosh may well be good for 5 or 6 buyins below sea level. Sit tight and watch the waiting list at your table hit double digits.