Saturday, June 30, 2007

Table Profiles 004: Rig A. Myroll


General Profile: One of the saddest cases in all of online poker. Much like the lab rat who keeps eating poisoned cheese and touching the bar the delivers a shock, Rig A. Myroll plays games that he believes are rigged.

Natural Habitat: Rig can be found on a totally rigged online poker site, against his better judgement. He can also be found composing 78,000 word 2+2 posts from his mom's basement showing conclusive proof from his extensive sample of over 2,000 hands of play that Kings and Aces get cracked nearly 33% of the time in multi-way pots.

Strengths: Has a lot of confidence in his abilities. EXTREMELY successful in live play, where luck is not a factor, such as that one time in Vegas and his monthly home game. Can eat a French Bread oven pizza without burning his mouth. Can take his cousin to the prom.

Weaknesses: Self-fulfilling prophecies. Goes from giddy to tilt in 0.793 seconds. His "happy place" resembles a mosh pit filled with gouty rats.

Motto: Typical Riverdog poker, even worse than Ultimate River or Riverstars or Parariver Poker or Pacific River or Party Suckout or Full River River or . . .

Favorite Hand: He has no favorite hand they all lose in this fixed nonsense they only want the ****ing rake AND THEY JUST LET THE NOOBS ****ING WIN ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THEY WANT US TO BUY IN AGAIN.

In the iPod: Theme from Shaft.

Hobbies: Telling you that you are lying if you say you win long-term. Harboring suspicions. 911 conspiracies.

Care & Feeding: It is important to know that Rig A. Myroll is beyond hope of recovery. You can't save Rig, you can only help him to a peaceful and dignified end.

The way to do this is to make sure that you confirm his every suspicion to the best of your ability. A good way to do this is to chat as though you were pre-programmed.

Example:

Hero wins pot ($11)

Rig A. Myroll: OMG.
Hero: I am sorry bester luck next time.
Rig A. Myroll: OMFG.
Rig A. Myroll: You just keep chasing those up and down straight flush draws and you keep HITTING!
Rig A. Myroll: Hero's totally a bot.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Rig A. Myroll: System of chasing and getting INCREDIBLY LUCKY
Hero: Luck is an illusion, would you like to play again?
Rig A. Myroll: Right, if you aren't a bot then you are the worst player ever. And the luckiest.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Hero: Luck is an illusion, would you like to play again?
Rig A. Myroll: You already said that, you dillhole
Rig A. Myroll: Fine, I believe that you are a person since you are chatting.
Rig A. Myroll: That guy who won with 89 and left, though, HE was a bot.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Rig A. Myroll: Hey, what's going on?
Hero: Are you going somewhere?
Rig A. Myroll: You keep repeating.
Rig A. Myroll: Hey everybody, look at what happens when I say something to Hero!
Rig A. Myroll: Bot.

Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Rig A. Myroll: Bot.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Rig A. Myroll. OMG, a bot.
Hero: I am sorry bester luck next time.
Rig A. Myroll: Bot bot bot bot bot bot bot bot bot bot
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.

Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system.
Hero: I am not a bot I play according to a system play according to ato a system play according system not a bot not a bot not a bot not a bot SYNTAX FATAL ERROR SEE 45SQL029as.
Rig A. Myroll: I have to go post on 2+2.

Rig A. Myroll stands up.

Hero: Dave? Dave? I'm scared Dave.

As you can see, it is entirely possible to take Rig's entire roll and leave him as happy as a pig in filth. Please take this lesson to heart and consider that poker does not need to be a heartless endeavor, whether played on real or virtual felt.

6 comments:

Mike Maloney said...

Good, I've missed these. Awesome stuff.

TripJax said...

I must say your tag line for this blog is one of the best ever.

Good gamin' with you last night. I couldn't have asked for a better scenario. Have a couple of steals on your raises and then wake up with AA when it looks like I'm doing it again. And then have you wake up with JJ. It was just one of those nights.

See you on the felt.

Goat said...

Thanks a lot, Jax.

Great job taking it down last night. At least my chips were put to good use. What a parlay for you.

You played a strong aggressive game, but a very dangerous one. You have no idea how close you came to being called with your 97. You'd have been dominated, too. Only reason I folded was I still had a perfectly respectable stack and I knew the next time I came at it I would have a VERY strong hand.

Then you picked up Aces, you freaking gonzeelee head you. I fully intended and expected to take that motha down; somehow you stole my mojo.

I will now light myself on fire.

Hammer Player a.k.a Hoyazo said...

Very effing funny post, Goat. I hope you have more of these coming, I could read the chat on these profiles all dizznay long.

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

LMAO at the post. That was hilarious.

teresa said...

i think this one is my favorite