Friday, June 1, 2007

Table Profiles 003: The Drunkey

General Profile: The ultimate social player, The Drunkey is in every pot he can. He'll raise. He'll call. Don't look for any reasons for individual actions. He has 6 tables open, and is surfing the net while trying to make the room stop spinnnnnning. Just find him. Whatever you do, find him. Sit to his left. Wait for the magic to start.

Natural Habitat: Friday night. Saturday morning. Saturday night.

Strengths: Is typically hilarious, is obliviously lucky. Untiltable.
Weaknesses: Thinks he's playing Omaha. Oblivious to how many times he's re-bought. Thinks the 'pot' button will score him weed.

Motto: Hey, where are my other 2 dam cards????

Favorite Hand: Ace-nine of splubearts. Also, any gapper that will make a straight such as Q6, K4, etc.

In the iPod: Either Buffett has been thrown onto the iPod, or the iPod's been thrown into the buffet. That's the difference between ten o'clock PM and ten o'clock AM.

Hobbies: Drinking. All-ins. Reloading. Re-drinking.

Care & Feeding: The Drunkey may get lucky on you or wake up with a hand. This is fine. He's just holding it for you. Please remember this, or you may become a Mocker, the lowest form of online poker life.

Whatever you do, do NOT fail to compliment The Drunkey on his magnificent play. Point out how many outs he had. Remember, you are your Drunkey's advocate, and if it ever gets through to him that he needs to stop spewing chips, he may be gone. This would be sad. If anybody mocks his play, do NOT stop mocking the Mocker until your scorn for him and your defense of Drunkey has reached almost embarrassing levels.

Example:

The Drunkey wins pot ($189)
The Drunkey: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mocker: OMG
Mocker: Do you even know how to PLAY????
Mocker: lol you'll be buying in again soon
Hero: He was ahead the whole time
The Drunkey: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mocker: He was not
Hero: Totally, he had high and low and top draw with 19 outs twice, I'd have played it the same way Mocker: WTF are u talking about??
Hero: Drunkey's the best player at the table
The Drunkey: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!
Hero: Watch him, you might learn something
Mocker: lol he's a donk
Hero: I take it back, I doubt you'll ever learn anything
The Drunkey: Where are my keys???

It is important to remind the beginner not to let up on the Mocker. Do NOT let up. It is a well known fact that anybody who chases away a Drunky has destroyed all poker karma and will be doomed to babysit Eminem's children for the next decade.

1 comment:

pushmonkey72 said...

wheeeeeeeeeee! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!

goat, this is pure gold. please do not stop this thread.