Table Profiles 002: Obscene Mother****er

General Profile: Here is what you need to know about Obscene Mother****er:

1) He ****ing hates you.

2) He really ****ing hates you, you ****ing ***** **** piece of ****.

3) He ****ing wishes you'd ****ing die, you ****.

4) You mustn't take it personally. He ****ing hates everybody, and ****ing every****ing-thing. He ****ing hates you for playing that hand that just beat him. He ****ing has nothing but ****ing scorn for you for playing that ****ing drawing hand and losing. Of ****ing course you'd get Aces right there. Of ****ing course you'd call with JT suited. He wishes you'd just ****ing die, you ghey ****. LOL. How can you call yourself a ****ing human being, you ****?

Natural Habitat: Since being introduced into the online biosphere, herds of Obscene Mother****ers roam all virtual cardrooms in great numbers. All attempts to thin their numbers have been for naught. The ASPCA estimates that by the end of 2008, the Obscene Mother****er may account for over 25% of all online players.

Strengths: Aggression, may actually know how to play, can intimidate the mild. Unparalleled ability to creatively beat the obscenity filters, master of the aggressively sarcastic 'LOL'.

Weaknesses: Comes pre-tilted, mouse may be broken from repeated slamming, fractured hands, holes in walls.

Favorite Hand: The one he uses to [incredibly obscene action redacted] your mother.

In the iPod: Death Metal. Doom Metal. Grindcore Rap. Kenny Loggins.

Motto: I'll eat ur children u *********.

Hobbies: Punching kittens. Hollering contests. Poking people with their forefinger. Watching the vein in his forehead throb.

Care & Feeding: Many people think that the way to deal with Obscene Mother****er is to contact the support staff to have their chat privileges revoked. Not a bit! You do NOT want him to be Obscene and not heard! If OM wishes you had AIDS, make LemonAIDS! (1)

The two primary methods of countering OM are The Redirection and The Confounding Curse.

The Redirection: This is also known as 'killing with kindness', or else 'willing obliviousness.'

Example:

OM: **** u, why don't u just die ***hole?

Hero: I like you.
OM: u suk
Hero: Be my friend. Please?
OM: u are so gay
Hero: Yes, I am feeling particularly happy. The weather is beautiful here where I am. How about you?
OM: bite me
Hero: Look, we've been in love a real long time, let's not break up over something little like this.

OM: omg I new u were gay.

However, the effect of the Redirection pales in comparison to the properly deployed Confounding Curse.

The Confounding Curse: This is where you use the asterisk key to great effect, to create the appearance of an obscenity that doesn't actually exist. Obscene Mother****er, as a connoisseur of the curse, will be immediately entranced and distracted.

Example:

OM: U are a ****
Hero: And you are a ******ongle.
OM: What?
Hero: You heard me.
OM: What the **** is an *****ongle?????
Hero: It's an ******ongle.
OM: But what IS that, idiot?
Hero: An *****ongle, don't pretend you don't know.

OM: What is the part that is getting blokked out?

Hero: *****

OM: Rite it different so I can see ***hole.

Hero: If I wrote it different, you wouldn't see what it is, you ****illios.

Hero: what an *****ongle you are.

If you are skilled, you can keep this going for an hour AFTER you've taken Obscene Mother****er's money.

OM (Observer): Seriously, WHAT is a ****ing *****ongle?
Hero: Look it up in the dictionary.

I hope we've all learned an important lesson here.

(1) I stole that joke.