Donkey Choker Poker

Well, I entered Michael Craig's contest this FTOPS, but I came up empty this time. Too bad, but honestly now that I consider it, this probably wasn't the sort of thing that would appeal to the official Full Tilt site.

Or . . . wild, crazy thought . . . maybe Mr. Craig just liked the other entries better.

Anyway, since you won't get it there, you'll get it here. The set-up, real quick-like, is that you have 60 seconds as CEO of Full Tilt Poker, and can chance one thing, and one thing only.

Enjoy.

* * *

Full Tilt Memorandum
From: 60-Second CEO Julius_Goat
To: All Full Tilt Staff


RE: DONKEY CHOKER POKER -- IMMEDIATE SOFTWARE ENHANCEMENT

Dear Team Full Tilt,

First of all, thank you for electing me your 60-second CEO! Luckily I have had this document all ready to go for just such an eventuality, so I can be very specific even in my limited allotted time.

It's been a great ride, and I'd just like to personally apologize to Chris Ferguson about the hat thing. I really wasn't feeling well; think I ate some bad shrimp at the buffet.

But enough about my stomach. Let's move on to other stomachs; specifically, the stomach of the approximately 24,000 players who are dealt horrible bad beats every single day at your tables. We need to do something to give those players a good feeling. These are randomly generated times that call for randomly generated action, my friends.

I propose that you allow your users to choke, maim, punch, and otherwise abuse the avatar of the player who just detestably sucked out on them. The software MUST accommodate this; as soon as the player is eliminated, the table becomes an interactive game in which horrific damage can be inflicted. (Remember, none of this should be viewable to the other players, only to the eliminated player.)

Imagine it, if you will. I've just stupidly called a HUGE bet pre with nothing but 75 offsuit, and then called bullets on the turn and river with an inside straight draw. We're already both committed to the pot when my straight fills on the river, and you are eliminated from the 50/50 right before the bubble.

Now, look at me, grinning there.













LOOK at me. Disgusting, isn’t it? Don’t I need a good choking? Or perhaps a fatal coronary?


What if you could make me go from this . . .













To THIS.













Imagine the goodwill generated amongst our customers!

Now, let me clarify. Everybody knows that bad beats are a necessary part of poker, and I'd never in a million years suggest that you modify the software to eliminate bad beats for anybody but me. However, when they happen, the victimized player is left with unresolved feelings of anger, frustration, and injustice. This manifests itself in any number of ways, none of which provide our clients with a positive online experience.

1) Whining and complaining and abusive chat. Let's not discount the man-hours wasted tracking down all the complaints of abuse, or the ill-will caused by blocked chat.

2) Tilt. While this may not seem as though it would affect our bottom line, consider that the tilted player is one step away from the player who has given up the game in disgust.

3) Bad beat stories. These are the worst thing in the world, and are a leading cause of global warming. Let's go green in 2008!


All right, team. We have the energy. We have the knowledge. We have the technology.

Let's go do it.


Hugs & Kisses,


Your CEO
Julius_Goat


P.S. Matusow is asking me if we can set something up where you can ACTUALLY have somebody killed for like 1 million FPP. Legal, can you look into this, please?

Bad Beat Post

OK, I'm really starting to wonder if this is me, or if it's just variance, or the cards, or what. All I know is that I have been playing what seems to be my optimal game, but I haven't been able to notch a single win.

All. Month. Long.

Here's a typical example.

We're three handed and I'm way ahead after spiking Queen Frostine two turns back. I got stuck in the licorice but I just tighten up and play my game and I'm still well in the lead when I find:







BOOOOOOOOOM! This puts me one from the rainbow and almost all the jump cards are burned. I'm a 98% favorite at this point. My opponents each draw singles and one of them isn't even to Grandma Nut yet.

I flip my card.







Gingerbread! Are you KIDDING me? Are you SERIOUS? The one card in the deck that loses and it hits me. Of course. Of COURSE. Could I have played that any differently? Honestly, I'm asking you. Help me out. You tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've been doing hand analysis. I've read the experts. Seriously, I'm lost at this point.


I'm steaming, but I try not to show it. I'm a professional.

My four-year-old looks over her mirrored shades at me.

"Bad beat, dad."


Candyland is rigged.

LOST 019: The Dali Lockema

L O S T

Homina, homina, homina.

Wow. It keep getting better, doesn't it? Remember about a year ago when the question was which is better, "Heroes" or "Lost"?

Lost won.

OK, I have no time. Let's dive into the greatness.

1) Keamy is bad ass enough to want to go BACK to the island where Ben controls the smoke monster. This would be very impressive if the smoke monster had killed more than ONE of them, but whatever. In this episode, Keamy really lets his psycho flag fly, slitting an MD's throat like it ain't no thang, shooting the poor captain of the ship (who flipped when he discovered the true nature of his boat's mission), crushing Michael's leg and totally intending to shoot the traitorous semi-immortal in the head, and then strapping on the old personal explosive device before choppering back to the island with whoop-ass jammed between every one of his enormous capped teeth.

Wow. I didn't like Keamy much before, but this actor is truly selling the scary.

And by the way, did you notice?


2) Keamy goes to get the double-secret protocol and flashes a little Dharma. That was a D.I. logo on that folder, and it pretty much seals the deal on the Widmore = Dharma / Mittelos = Ben dialectic.

But . . . who is Abbadan with?

We see him in Episode Two this season setting Naomi up with her crew: Frank, Charlotte, Miles, and Scittery Scruff. So he's Dharma, right?

Well. That's what I thought, right up until we see Abbadanorderly placing the very strong (hypnotic?) and specific suggestion to Locke that he go on a Walkabout in Australia. With nothing but his wits. And a knife. Remember that knife. But for now remember that Abbadan seems to be operating on the same playing field and with the same purpose as Richard Alpert. Of Mittelos.

Let's meditate on the purpose of the Freighter Four to the mission. Why them first? Why not just send Keamy right off the bat? Other than turning off the gas, what have these jokers accomplished? Are they perhaps the fly in the ointment? The monkey in the wrench? The Shaquille in the Phoenix? Abbadan mentioned to Naomi that only she had experience with this type of mission. If "this type" meant "whomping on everything in true bad-ass style", well . . . Keamy has that covered. Perhaps . . . undercover ops? Does Ben have people on that boat that don't even know they're there to help Ben? Anyway, there's more going on with that early season scene, and with Abbadan, than we once thought.

Speaking of episodes that now hold a greater meaning . . .


3) Cabin. Christian. Claire. What? First, that fourth episode of the series, "White Rabbit", which initially seemed like such an abandoned throwaway, is really starting to loom large, innit?

Christian's supposed 'ghost' leads Jack to the caves, to the water . . . and to a skeletal couple embracing each other. Jack searched them and found a white stone and a black stone. As far as we know, he still has them.

Now Christian is back and has made contact with his daughter. He's hanging in the cabin and speaking on Jacob's behalf. What exactly was Christian up to with Jack way back there? What was he trying to show him?

The stones? I think it's a direct reference to this. With the name "Christian", the references to Adam and Eve, the resurrection implied by the empty coffin, and the reference to ancient Jewish divination tools, that's a whole lot of Biblical reference in one episode.

I don't know what it adds up to yet. I have no clue. But Christian just vaulted, Ben-like, from minor character to one of the most important characters.

Also, Claire's way too calm and her smile is far too knowing. Either she's known a LOT more than she's let on all this time, or she's drugged or hypnotized in some way. Or, maybe, she's a ghost like her daddy. Perhaps she died in that explosion. In any event, there needs to be some sort of explanation. Claire leaving Aaron after 3.9 seasons of "Moi BAY-BEE!" characterization needs to be resolved.


4) Richard Alpert outta nowhere! YEAH! So . . . Locke has been chosen. And it's strongly implied that Ben had been chosen before Locke, that Locke is now the heir to Ben mantle. Or was Ben the interloper? Mittelos and Alpert have been trying to get Locke on-island for a very long time. Five year old John Locke would have been performing his little Kundun choose-the-Dail-Llama style object test right around the time of Ben's birth (my lovely wife points out that Ben and Locke were both born prematurely -- more linkage, and nice one, honey!).

So. Locke the chosen of Jacob. Of the island? Of . . . whom? And what?

Before him, Ben. And before him?

I think ageless Richard.

"Remember when we used to celebrate birthdays?" Ben asked Richard around this time last season. At the time I thought that 'we' referred to all the Others, but now I'm wondering if that isn't a reference to just the two of them.

"Being the chosen one has a price," Ben told Locke last night. Perhaps that price includes all that goes with immortality. And perhaps the price is different for different people. My take on Kiddie Locke's "failed" test was not that he had picked wrong, but that he had picked right, and that Alpert was simply freaked out by what those choices meant.

In other words, the test was not to determine whether or not Locke was a chosen one. Remember, Mittelos keeps pursing him. The question is this: what KIND of Chosen One is he? Think of the objects as Tarot cards. Locke's reading was just fine, but he had the knife rising in the sphere of the pebble-jar, and that meant a hasty retreat for Michael Alpert.

I'm guessing that Locke has entered into a dynasty whose previous links were Ben and Richard, and whose anchor is Jacob. Voice of the island, perhaps, or the living embodiment of it. Why Richard stepped aside or was forced aside is anybody's guess. But these three are linked, I think, in some fundamental way. Perhaps the island could have chosen certain children of a generation, and Locke was to be the one. Then something stopped that, and Ben stepped in. Or perhaps Locke was one of the 'nominees', so to speak, of the Mittelos faction (represented by Alpert and perhaps Abbadan), and Ben was one of the 'nominees' of the Dharma faction (represented by Widmore). Remember, Ben came to the island through Dharma. Only thing is, Ben flipped.

Was Christian in this chain? Is Jack a "chosen one"? Who was to be the next link?

Can I get a "Walt" from the congregation?

Whoever has been moving behind the scenes in Locke's life and Ben's, be it Abbadan or Alpert or Mittelos or Dharma, orchestrated the crash of Oceanic 815. It might be more accurate to say that they orchestrated who was ON the crash of Oceanic 815. Perhaps one faction arranged for Locke to be on that plane, while another made sure Walt was on it.


5) Move the island to save it, you say? I'll call right now that this 'moving' of the island is through time, not space.

Join us next time when we hear Desmond say:

"Aye, but I wish I'd hadn'a stayed on this ship, brotha."


L O S T

No Cigar (A Story In Pictures)

New Blog By Julius_Goat

You know how it is. You're reading "The_Goat_Speaks", and you idly think to yourself, "I do like this guy's fake strategy guide and meandering song parodies, but what does he think about random old movies?"

No? Never? You'd rather eat otter eyes?

I'll take that as a 'yes'.

You're in luck!

I was not always the poker blogger loser you see before you. Why, in my youth, I was a completely different sort of character entirely. I was a movie reviewer loser. This was back in prehistoric times, before blogs took over. I designed the site myself. I even used html to make web links. Clearly, I was a big-time programmer.

I titled the site "FilmChaw" for reasons known to none, and off I went. I was joined by my buddy, who for these purposes will only be known as The Mad Valdez. This Latvian gentleman is an installer of bathroom fixtures by day, but he has excellent taste in movies and a complete disinclination to ever proofread his work for spelling and grammar. He's never once made sense in print in all the time I've known him. He's awesome. One year and literally tens of hits later, my twin daughters were born, and I decided that the pittance I was paying to host the site wasn't worth it anymore. RIP, FilmChaw.com

Anyway, I'm dragging it (or at least the concept) out of the attic and I think I'm bringing the Mad Valdez with me. I'm betting we can knock down a few posts a week. A new blog! By the guy who brought you that one poker post that kind of made you giggle that one time! About movies!

I can feel the sweet tension of anticipation.

A few other points, and then I'm done.

1) I'm not reviewing new movies for the most part. If I go see one that tickles my fancy, then sure. But for the most part you're not going to find what's in theaters, or whether or not it's worth your dough. This isn't that kind of a site. I'm also not probably going to review a lot of cookie-cutter formulaic stuff. I don't tend to watch those types of movies, and even when I do, there's really not much to write about.

This also means that there will be a preponderance of reviews of movies I think are good, and not many negative ones. Simple, really. I'll go see crap movies when I'm being paid to see crap movies. Not before.

2) There's going to be a major focus on little-seen gems, and particularly movies from the past. If I have any hopes about this project, it's to expand the perspective of what is available, and to stretch the boundaries of any hapless reader's Netflix queue. One guy I talk to fairly regularly claimed to have never seen a movie made before 1980. That's awful. Since he's proud of the fact, though, I'll link him up.

Nothing but love, Hoy.

To that end, I'm starting off with my favorite movie of 1948. It's about ballet.

If that doesn't pack the poker bloggers in, I don't know what will.

3) There are two major film aesthetics that I notice. One group sees movies pretty much as entertainment, a good story, that's it. The other group appreciates "film as art". The first group tends to be a little reductive in terms of what makes a good viewing experience. The second group tends to be a bunch of pantywaist snobs.

I'm in both camps. That is to say, I'm a reductive pantywaist snob. However, I will say this: If you're not inclined to view movies as art on the same level as (say) a painting or a novel or a fine bottle of wine . . . you're not going to have much patience for this site, or probably for the movies I review on it.

4) I'm including clips of the movies I review as I find them on YouTube. Total spoilers in all of these.

5) This means you won't have to suffer through movie crap on this supposed poker blog. (And all the people rejoiced.)

I'm out of ado. No further ado.

Behold. FilmChaw.

LOST 018: Jack Ass

L O S T


OK, it's time for a friggin' rant.

FIVE? FIVE? You're telling me that the Smoketrain of Death hit Keamy and his soldiers, and there are still FIVE of them left?

You know what would have been a better number? None. Second best would be only Keamy, and him looking like he just wrestled Rosie O'Donnell for a delicious Hostess cupcake. Not this.

And four of them seem like they are doing OK, too. Which leads to the question: Did Smokey-boy actually kill any of them? Old Frank only wanted to let Sayid and Desmond and one other on the chopper, remember. Now he's going to be flying himself and five others. How many more came with him?

I'm forced to assume that Smoke killed nobody. This is very disappointing. It's like finding out that all the guys Darth Vader choked out with the Force made a speedy recovery off-scene. I'm just going to pretend they all got killed by the smoke and forget they're still on the show.

Also, Rousseau is dead, actual and factual. Man, that stinks. I was so hoping for a Rousseauback. Maybe we'll get her story in an upcoming Benback. Or maybe a Smokemonster-back.

OK, so this was a Jack episode with heavy Kate sprinkling, but even so it managed to not suck. Thank you flash-forwards, for all that lovely cool ranch-flavored relevance!

Let's have a quiz.

1. So, Jack and Kate future hook-up and play house with Aaron, but it all falls apart because . . .

A) It's all a dream.

B) Kate kills him and runs away.

C) Jack's character defects follow him wherever he goes.

Answer: C. Jack is actually a bit of a monster, and I'm finally starting to figure his character out. I said a few weeks ago that the problem with Kate is that she's a fundamentally selfish person that the writers continue to present as a hero. Conversely, Jack is a character that we've constantly seen as the hero, but who the LOST creators seem to understand is deeply screwed up in very non-heroic ways. We saw him as the hero because he kept doing hero-y things, but his motivations are just completely wrong. For Jack, doing the noble thing is about him being noble. It makes him a colossal dingus.

The island adventure confirmed it. Jack is a junkie, and his drug is control. When he starts losing that control, he spins out, freaks out, and self-destructs. When he needs his appendix out, he makes the doomed-to-failure decision to guide Juliet through it, simply because he can't trust anything outside himself.

In the future, this plays out when Jack gets a visit from his supposedly dead Dad. In an attempt to maintain control, he gets engaged to Kate in one of the glummest proposals ever seen. He actually seemed more excited about having Kate hold the mirror so he could look inside his abdomen. Kate doesn't seem to notice, but pretty soon she sees the Jack that manages to destroy relationships. He quickly morphs into a high-handed, suspicious, self medicating ass, acting out again, to try to impose some form of control.

I'd say the central issue for Jack, which will finally play all the way out sometime near the end of the series, is whether or not he''ll ever be able to let go. To trust. Man of faith, indeed.

Other things that are becoming clear:

* Jack has found out that he's Aaron's uncle. The "you're not even related to him!" line is what does it. Now . . . why ISN'T Jack taking care of his nephew? Maybe Claire decided that she didn't want him to? That instead she wanted the murderous fugitive?

That would stick in Jack's throat, I think. It might explain why he didn't want to see Aaron as of the end of Kate's trial.

* Jack constantly refers to a two-year-old as 'the baby'. Nice. Also: Idiot.

* The Big Lie of the Oceanic Six is killing Jack. Seems to be putting toys in Hurley's attic. Sun and Kate seem relatively unafffected. Sayid seems less concerned with the Big Lie and more concerned with putting a cap in Widmore's hiney. Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm hungry.

* Sawyer's metamorphasis as the noble defender of the islanders is nearly complete. Seems like he'll be filling the Jack-void pretty soon.

* The Oceanic Six are being haunted, it seems. I think the reason Charlie appears to Hurley is that he's scared to appear to Jack. If I were Jack and I saw Charlie, I think I'd crush his windpipe a little, while thanking him for throwing all the heroin into the ocean. Could have used some of that heroin while you were having your appendix out, eh Jack? Thanks a bunch, Charlie.
* Christian is . . . a ghost? Ghostlike tendencies include disappearing in the office lobby when Jack's colleague showed up, and being seen by Miles. But then again, he was holding Claire's bay-bee, which is pretty corporeal.

Nevertheless, the context of juiced-up Jack's statement at the end of Season 3 (that they could go upstairs and find his father, who would also be drunk -- and even MORE drunk than Jack) is coming into focus. At the time, I thought it meant that in this world, Jack's dad was still alive. Now, it seems like it may have been further evidence to the chief of staff of Jack's deteriorating mental state. By the time he's a suicidal wreck, he's actually talking about the voices in his head, or the ghosts in the lobby.

Of course, it would seem that Ghost Dad is still a drunk. Sounds corporeal to me. So, who is Christian an agent of? Ben or Widmore?

Clearly, Christian's involvement in the story is just beginning, and is key to unravelling much of the mystery. He's been walking around 'alive' since episode four, season one.

Last year, I was begging for a Ben-back and a Rousseau-back like a sad little puppy. This time around, it's the Christian-back I crave.

* Way to turn on the finger-breaking, Jin! The odds of Jin actually still being alive just lept up about 30% or so. I still think he dies heroically, though. At least one major somebody is going to lose their life, no doubt.

Odds of Dying (Maybe Even Heroically) Before the End of Season 4:

Michael: Even (shot by Keany)
Keany: Even (killed by extreme smugness)
Jin: 2-1 (mauled by polar bear)
Frank: 4-1 (helicoper mishap)
Bernard: 4-1 (scurvy)
Claire: 5-1 (eaten by Walt)
Juliet: 10-1 (burned as a witch)
Charlotte: 12-1 (killed by the Predator)
Rose: 12-1 (accidentally sees Made of Honor starring Patrick Dempsey, kills self)
Locke: 15-1 (but he becomes the Smoke Monster across the 8th dimension)
Miles: 20-1 (nobody cares)
Daniel: 25-1 (gangrene after Jin breaks his fingers)
Sawyer: 50-1 (trampled by a hoss)
Desmond: 500-1 (not until he reads that Dickens novel, brotha)
Ben: 1000-1 (even if he's the man in the coffin, I don't trust him to be dead)
Oceanic 6: 700,000 - 1 (killed by parobolic timewave backlash)
Westley: 1,000,000 - 1 (only mostly dead, and death cannot stop True Love)


Join us next time, when Sawyer says:

"CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE!!!"

And Michael says:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!"

And Sawyer says:

"CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE!!"

And Michael says:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!"

And The Tick says:

"SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!"



L O S T

Brightside

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When your Aces get all crack-y
Don't do dumb chatbox attacky
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of cards
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
Even if your whole table is composed of LAGtards
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo

If your luck seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to never limp your pocket Kings.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of LOL Donkaments
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
Because when the ISD fills laughter is your only defense,
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo

For razz is quite absurd
Busting out's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the entire rail a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of card death
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
Just before your opponent out-draws your heart from your chest
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo

Poker's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and blogs are a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Drop the hammer as you go
Just remember that the last drop is on you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand . . .


Always look on the bright side of chops.
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
Let's be happy that at least someone will come out on top

(Come on guys, cheer up!)

And always look on the bright side of cards
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo

Always look on the bright side of cards
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo

(Worse things happen in Vegas, you know.)

Always look on the bright side of cards
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)

Whoo hoo, whoo hoo whoo hoo hoo hoo
(You know, your talent started at nothing - it ended at nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)

Always look on the right side of life...


Wait for it . . .


Wait for it . . .




BOOOOOM!